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Am I the right one for this job?

eller
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2017

My husband had been diagnosed with  cancer of the larynex last Thursday, still waiting for PET scan for full staging etc. He will be given radiation 5days per week and chemo once per week.  Prior to this we were heading fast to a divorce because of his alcoholism.  Now we are here, very hard to put away the bad feelings, we are snapping at each other which is our normal distructive communication. 

With all he is getting ready to go through am I the right one to care for him? 

 

Noellesmom
Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

I can identify. Same story as yours. Even down to the throat cancer.

Still here seven years later. We should talk. 

 

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2016

No one is the right one for the caregiver role.

Here is your tentative future.  When the chemotherapy starts, the arguments will end (if they havent ended since the diagnosis).  Your husband will want to sleep and sleep a lot.  The chemotherapy drugs are really powerful.  My wife went through chemotherapy last year and slept at least 12 hours a day and oftentimes took naps taking it to 16 hours a day of sleep.  For the duration of chemotherapy, your husband wont have the energy to argue with anyone and will need you to give him rides to appointments (because there is no way you will want him driving) and to prepare meals and run the house. You have to do everything but you wont have a spouse mistreating you.  In my opinion, being the caregiver during this time is not difficult (again just my opinion).  Then when the chemotherapy stops, the job of the caregiver begins.  Does you spouse get off the couch and get active and involved and is doing something positive?  Or does your spouse remain on the couch a year later and is abusive and awful to be around?  You have to wait and see what that future holds.

My wife was angry, abusive, lazy and extremely irrational before she was diagnosed with cancer.  The diagnosis of cancer and recommendation for chemotherapy and hormone therapy was a shock to my wife and her behavior went from "your a piece of ****" (as we were going to the clinic) to "I want my own apartment" (as we were driving home). You might suggest to your husband that he get an apartment during chemotherapy because he will want to sleep.  You can visit, call by phone and bring meals which is what I did for a year.  You can/must also give him rides to appointments.  Chemo and hormone therapy lasted for 11 months and my wife stayed in that apartment for a year.  She was not angry with me once during that 11 month period (which was a very big change in behavior!!!). 

You will find peace in your marriage during chemotherapy. Try to find family and friend support when the chemotherapy ends because thats when the bad behavior could return which will lead to "destructive communication".  

trinity1994
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2019

did you guys make it through?

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2016

Im still struggling through it.  Its been 2-3 years since chemotherapy and my wife still sleeps on the couch
downstairs.  She is very, very difficult to deal with.  Every month is the same.  She participates in nothing
and is clueless about goes on in the house.

 

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