Low blood counts

This is my third week of treatment, and so far it seems like everything that can go wrong is going wrong.  Last week I started having anal leakage and I was mortified because I certainly didn't expect it only a week and a half into treatment.  Maybe TMI here, but the consistency was like pudding and I never even felt it.  I noticed it only when I went to go change for my radiation treatment and I had a small meltdown.  A nurse came and talked with me and made me feel better about it at the time, but even she said it was early for that side effect to kick in.  I have to wear a pad all the time now, just in case.

Then Monday, I got to the doc's for my blood test and appointment with the med onc and my blood counts were down.  So she took me off the Xeloda until further notice.  Today I had labs again and they didn't go up, they went down further. WBC and Platelets are critical.  RBC is close to critical, but she's still not ready to do a transfusion, which is fine with me, but I'd go for it if helped now.  Dr. ordered me an anti-biotic prophylactically and also because I'm having some indication of possible UTI.  I left a urine specimin.  I also have to have blood drawn tomorrow, Friday and Monday to keep monitoring it.

They told me that my tumor pain should be gone by the end of the second week, but it's still with me, and I'm feeling the burning that I expected to feel...later, not yet. I have little red spots & bumps all over me.  Some are from irritated hair follicles from the radiation and others are Petechiae from low platelets.  I am still waking up during the night every 2-4 hours like clockwork in order to take pain meds, so they increased my fentanyl patch dose, and said take the oxycodone...4 every 3-4 hours as I need it.  I'm already opioid tolerant as I'm a pain management patient for a different issue.  My husband says he knows I'm in pain because he can hear me moaning in my sleep.  The last several nights, every time I've woken up I kept hearing this "whooshing" sound in my head.  Weirdest thing ever.  At first I thought it was something outside, and I even opened the window to listen better.  Turns out it's my pulse that I'm hearing.  I told my dr. today, because I thought maybe I have some cool new super power...alas, it's because I'm anemic that I hearing it.  Bummer, lol.

I'm sorry I'm being such a whiner.  I really am trying to stay positive and to keep a sense of humor, but I have my moments when I just want to sit by myself and feel sorry for myself.  I'm stressed and pissed off, but mostly sad. I'm thoroughly exhausted.  The slightest exertion makes me feel like I ran a marathon.  I have a flight of 15 stairs in my house and I'm winded by the time I make it to the top.  

Thank you all for allowing me to vent. My husband is being amazing.  There's no way I could get through this without him, but for all the effort he's putting in, the last thing I want to do is add to his stress by venting to him.  He's in this with me, and I see how it's affecting him.  I don't want to add my worries to his own.  I can't help but worry though.  Being off the Xeloda isn't helping my cancer treatment, although I understand that if I stayed on it, it would kill me.  I have to wonder if not taking it changes my prognosis.  The cure rate for this cancer is high, and that's wonderful, but as I understand it, it's high because you go through all the treatment. By missing a week (or more) of chemo, is that going to change my change my chances for a good outcome?  The chemo helps the radiation work better, the radiation is more important than the chemo.  BUT they wouldn't give the chemo if it wasn't necessary, right?  They don't make up missed chemo treatments, but they DO make up missed radiation treatments.  Once I finish radiation, I'll no longer take chemo.

I have to admit, that I'm scared.  I'm scared of so many things that are unknown.  How do you deal with fear?  How do you deal with setbacks?

Thank you all again.

Wis