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Getting older

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3284
Joined: Jan 2010

 

 
 

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.'
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
'Because she can still drive!' 


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.' 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


One more........

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 

Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!
 Icemantoo
WhatIsLife's picture
WhatIsLife
Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2016

Thanks Icemantoo for the laughs!  happyydog

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1988
Joined: Mar 2014

OMG, they're so funny. Thanks for the laugh!

rhominator's picture
rhominator
Posts: 233
Joined: Nov 2015

 

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

 

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

 

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

 

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

 

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

 

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

 

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

 

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

 

Every path has a few puddles.

 

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

 

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

 

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

 

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 

Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

 

Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

 

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

 

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

 

Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

 

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

 

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

 

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

 

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

 

todd121's picture
todd121
Posts: 1427
Joined: Dec 2012

These are so sad. :(

Todd

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Iceman = Thanx for the laughs.

Rhominator = Those be some wise words. 

Fair warning guys, I'm making a copy of these.

Donna~

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

Many years ago I looked after a Yiddish library in London, they had lots of good saying, many of which could not be said without a shrug of the shoulders. I forgotten them all apart from the wonderful:

"When a Lion sleeps,. . . Let it sleep!"

lobbyist0724's picture
lobbyist0724
Posts: 428
Joined: Sep 2016

Thanks for the laugther! It would be very painful to see this on the first week after surgery :)

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