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Going Crazy?

david54
Posts: 167
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi-lost my beautiful wife Novembr 22nd. Her memorial was last Saturday. For the past week I have been stuck trying to transfer some of her assets to mine (401k) life insurance, etc. What a myriad of red tape that is. I don't even have death certifiactes yet. I want to move on. To make matters more stressful I am being dropped from her insurance and will have to find my own until I turn 65 (I'm 62).

This house I am in, I lost both wives here, in the same room. Don't think I can live here anymore. I can't eat, sleep, think. I am lonely, miss her terribly. Never in my life have I experienced this level of despair and sadness.

The holidays mean nothinig to me-that's a first!

Here it comes, the $10,000 dollar question- why? After being the caregiver for two wives that died of cancer, and now to go through this level of agony, what did I do to make God so angry at me?

This is what I am dealing with and I am really hurting.

Yes, I have brothers, friends that love me, I realize that under all of this muck-I need gratitude.

Thanks for letting me share

GingerMay's picture
GingerMay
Posts: 133
Joined: Sep 2016

I am very sorry for your loss and cannot know what this is like for you, but your feelings seem normal to me.          

I am responding because I know about feeling a level of despair and sadness that is crushing, not finding any joy in things I used to love, and wondering why God is so mad at me.  What did I do so wrong?  I'll tell you those thoughts only sent me in circles and kept me in a bad place longer, and I still never got an answer.  For me, I finally just "let it be", and noticed things got a bit better.      

I will be sending you prayers for strength as you move forward, to find the joys in your life again soon, and find comfort in having experienced the love of two great women.   

Noellesmom
Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

God made us creatures of free will.  We make choices, our ancestors made choices: who knows which led to your wives' cancers?

And if God WAS mad at you, He surely would not take the lives of two other people to make His point.

David, before you make any major changes in your life, wait a little while. 

You are mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Be gentle with yourself.

Life will be good again.

JerzyGrrl's picture
JerzyGrrl
Posts: 760
Joined: Jun 2016

David, 

As far as I've been able to tell, this suffering stuff isn't about settling scores, 'cause things never seen to work out even. As for figuring you need to be grateful? Well, sure, but right now you've finally got the space, place, and time to realize just how much you hurt, grieve, and are exhausted. 

It hasn't even been a month since your wife has died and you stopped being her caregiver. Do some caregiving for you - eat well, sleep well, go for walks. If you have to move the furniture around, do it. Get family or friends to help if you want. Rant at God as necessary. Gratitude will show up as your body, spirit, and mind recover from from exhaustion. 

Journaling is probably more a gal thing than a guy thing, but I've found that helpful. Three pages a day, stream of consciousness, usually: including rants, ramblings, pleadings, etc as necessary. Look at what you've accomplished, written three pages. Shove it in a drawer or in an envelope, don't edit or critique.

The good news (?) is that "feeling crazy" is fairly normal at the start of any grief cycle. The bad news is, it's fairly normal. Make new habits to not lose your keys and sort the mail, if you need to. 

But most of all, be very kind with yourself. And keep us posted. 

cheatinlil's picture
cheatinlil
Posts: 194
Joined: Jun 2014

Oh David, I'm so sorry to hear this news.  Your story seems too much for one person to handle.  I once had a therapist advise me not to ask the question "why" but rather ask the question "what now".  There is just no answer to why.   I can't even imagine what you must be going through.  I will pray for you.  Please continue to post and find an outlet for your grief. 

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