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Hate to whine, but

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

Yesterday was our 21st anniversary, today is two years from my last surgery, but I can't get Cindy out of my mind. I'm two years ned and

I'm grateful, but my other half was ripped away, and I'm still feeling half a man. She completed me in every way, and now I go on without the best partner/lover you could have. I just hit two years since my last surgery on Friday, Labor Day weekend, and I should want to celebrate, but . all I feel is her absence.  I try to encourage others, but feel none for myself, maybe that's hypocrisy, I  don't know. What I know is I had it really good for a while, even during cancer, and now I feel adrift in a relatively indifferent world with a few family and you folks between me and the void that eventually swallows us all. When daylight hits I'll feel stronger but til then it's something clutching my heart and having indifference to my misery. Thanks for being that tiny group that understands the pain. It has meaning for me, like I matter in a world that tells me otherwise......................................................................................Dave

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

A loss is a loss, be it a loved one or your health.  They both change your place in the world as you knew it.

We all want things back the way they were...before.  We struggle with the reminders.

Having known the best, it is hard to accept less.

Comparing life today with those better days only leads to disappointment. 

Unfortunately there is no going back.  We can only move forward, making the best of the life we now have.  We are as children learning to live in the world all over again.

Reaching out to others in need is a good thing.  Listening to what we say to them and applying it to ourselves takes practice.

Honor your loved one by being good to yourself.

You do matter to the world, you just have not recognized it yet.  And you definately matter here.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

dancer2
Posts: 49
Joined: Jul 2016

Hi Dave, you were one of the first to anwer me when I showed up a couple of weeks ago. Believe me, I understand how you feel. I was a caregiver along with our son to my husband for almost four years 24/7 around the clock care. It still hurts and it's been almost four years since he left us but at least he got to be in his own room at home the whole time. I was not sick then, only found out last Oct. just when I thought I could get back to living. But he handled his situation (stroke, only one arm was left that he could feed himself with, so all adl's we did for him and it was our love and his strength when he passed and he made sure we held hands and said goodbye that is giving me strength for this battle.  And I have felt the 'indifference' or what appears so, especially by family and tho I understand it is not that, because no one is going to feel what you feel in the wee hours of the morn. So give yourself the time to really grieve, it does get a little easier with time so let the grief come , don't fight it or try to stop it. Grief shows how much we really loved a person and tho it hurts in it's own way, it also allows us, I believe, to come to grips with the fact that our better half is no longer here. I just lay there and let it wash over me and feel the loss. It reminds me what love, real love is all about and that you had it in your life with a spouse that truly loved you in the same way. Not everyone gets the chance to experience that kind of closeness, the give and take, the compromises done for it on each side and all the little things only the ones left behind can remember. I feel very alone but am not ready to hang it up just yet. Tho I have this new experience to get through I still believe in love. And I hope one day to have it again but won't hold my breath. And just so you know, I still give into the loss and never try to make myself think of other things, just let it do it's 'thing' then try to keep on living with a smile.  Take care.

Dancer2

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Dave, you've been dealt a really crappy deal and you have every right to feel badly about it all. Why do we feel guilty when we have down days or are angry or rail against what life has given us? Few people have more of a right to it then we do. My own family who are so supportive will say things to me like 'well, at least you're alive' like I have no right to want more. Basic existence is what we all have, joy in life is not something that is too much to ask for.

I hope you can find some peace and get through this time. Occasions like anniversaries are the hardest time, it brings it all back. It's a day like any other but it seems to make you face it more than at other times. Sending you a hug.

Jan

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

I'm sorry Dave.  I feel insane most of the time - up one minute, down the next.   I get how you are feeling.  It's truly unfair and makes you feel different from most people.   Like we just don't really fit in with others anymore.   I just try to stay busy.  I've started exercising, which really makes me feel like I have some control over something.  I'm not doing much but for that hour or so a day, I feel a bit in control.   

Hugs to you.   And celebrate that anniversary and remember the good times and it's okay to cry about it too.

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

Thanks for the thoughts, I feel so alone in my grief, how is anyone else to know the pain, they're busy living and avoiding the fact that they're mortal, and something will take them down. Untill they get what we have, how can they know how hard it can be? That truth has separated me from so much of my former life, my emotions don't allow me to go blythely on. I don't want to stare at the end, but it's hard to act like there is no finality. And facing that, how do you find meaning in your short piece of existence? In a hundred years, what will have mattered. In a hundred thousand years, you're still talking about small time in the face of the universe. If the universe is that big and long, what matters what we do. I don't throw this out there for s**

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

sh**s sake, It's what I think about. I get that we're not equiped to answer those questionss, but it's hard to find meaning in day to day stuff when it's so trivial in the big picture. My mind didn't choose to land on the big picture, but it's here and I have a hard time making the daily routine matter..................................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

What's it all for, right? Sometimes I wonder that, too. And with the blood clot and being given a new life after that when I should have died I feel like there's got to be a reason for my survival yet I'm just the same old me and I've done nothing powerful or life changing for anyone. And I'm not even as nice of a person because I have such low tolerance for whiners. Poeple who go on about how crappy their day was because their TV doesn't work and they had to use the smaller one, traffic was bad, they forgot something at the store, all the trivial things that really just do not matter. But that's their big issue. I always think wow, I wish that was my biggest issue. 

A friend of mine got on a big rant on facebook recently about people using the ititials FML, I assume we all know what that means. She has a son who has spina bifida and is 23 years old and will never walk and has health issues and they've alsmot lost him several times. The term infuriates her. And I totally agree. It seems like so many people think they have it so bad when they have no idea what it's like to really have it bad. Sometimes I see the things people post about and I want to respond and give them a blast but I don't.

Jan  

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

Then I go from "what means anything" to a day like today, where I got alot done, felt purposeful and focused all day. Guess I'll just have to keep riding this roller coaster until things even out a bit. Funny, but for someone like me, it may be better not to look up and wonder, so much. I hope the day was good to you, Jan..........................................Dave

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

Those were all such great responses from people who understand what you're going through, Dave. I can only imagine how difficult it is, but everyone above is so right! You DO matter in the big picture; we all do in ways we may not be aware of. Hearing your experience could save someone's life on down the road, and that has meaning. It doesn't take much, really, for us to make a difference in the world. Even if it what we do seems like a small thing to us, it could have significant impact on someone else, or on many someone else's, cuz what you do may trickle down to others.

We don't have to have bronze statues erected for us in the center of our hometowns to bring meaning to our lives. Besides, the people who do have statues erected for them got them long after they were dead! lol.

The best thing I did for myself when a loved one of mine passed away was buy myself a nice telescope. I began exploring the heavens with it, wondering if she was up there somewhere looking down on me. It was an escape, I'll admit that, but bringing myself closer to the things that seemed so much more significant than I was, or bigger than even my love for her was (okay, she was a cat, but she meant more to me than anything), it made me feel closer to her and like my love for her WAS and IS just as big as everything out there in the Universe and it's something that will always exist. It's hard to explain exactly why it aided my grief, but it did.

I'm not suggesting you do the same thing I did, but if it works, run with it. :)

Best wishes for you during this difficult time. <3

Krista

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

Need to pull that telescope out, my son lost the adjuster part, but I think I can order it. Last trip to Havasu, where I can see the sky well at night, my sis-in-law and her hubby wanted to know where the North Star and Big Dipper are. While I was pointing out all the stars I knew, she had down loaded this app. to her phone. You hold the phone up to any part of the sky, and it shows the constellations, planets, even Andromeda, the next big galaxy. A neat app for when the skies partly obscured as well, I need to download it. I've said before that feeling small or looking at things so much grander and older, like the Sequoias, the Grand Canyon, and especially the night sky, bring me a peace and calm like nothing else. Maybe the trick for me at times, is to focus on what is known, and leave abstraction and the unknown for times when I'm stronger and not feeling lost in meaning and grand purpose. I still have books to read, as well. Thanks for sharing Krista.........................................................Dave

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5455
Joined: Jan 2013

I need to book my flight down to Yolanda's and we can have our get-together. It would be good to have a heart to heart talk, I think. Not that either Yolanda or I have had the excrusiating personal loss of a spouse, that you have experienced, but certainly loss of loved ones and the enevitable, which I think it is, questions about life's meaning. 

I have certainly experienced a 'crisis of faith' these past years; or should say 'expereincing' as I still have many, many questions. 

I look forward to meeting you, Dave. But, until that point, my most sincere wish is that you can find peace and the answers you so desperatly need at this time. 

May you have more good days than bad. 

Cyber hugs!

SUE

danker
Posts: 1282
Joined: Apr 2012

I lost my love just over two years ago after 57years together!  You are not alone.  One of these days we will rejoin our spouses for eternal bliss.  At 84. I'm closer to that than you, so hang on and remembeer the good times!!!

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1146
Joined: Aug 2013

I'm sorry Danker, the pain must still feel raw at times. I figured after a year I'd be mostly past the "big" pain, but it turns out, I can't schedule my feelings or plan where my heart want's to take me. We had wonderful times, Cindy and I, but I think I'm using the memories in a bad way, allowing them to color and pale my new experiences. She livened up anything and everything. Somebody said "if you aren't where you're at, you're nowhere". Well I'm "now here" and I may have to tune down the memories, and focus on who I going to be for this stretch of time. I envy the time you had with your love, Danker, and the peace you seem to have with your life. Oddly, I think I'm going to have to work harder to find my peace, something I thought would just organically attach itself to me. I'll get there, I need to get back to making memories as "just me", and maybe dial down feeling so scarred up and damaged. I'm sure others here know the feeling. Anyway, on to new stuff, and Sue, I can't wait!.....................................Dave

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