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Is it Emotional abuse?

dinagrey's picture
dinagrey
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2016

 I have been with my boyfriend over ten years. Five years ago, I left my job to be a full time caregiver for his father, who was in final stages of c.o.p.d. Needless to say, those five years were difficult, but rewarding, because I always knew that my father-in-law loved me, cared a lot about me and wanted me with him. Meanwhile, my b.f. and I were having some serious issues. I wanted to leave, but my father-in-law, begged me to stay and that when he passed, he would provide a bit of his life insurance, to help me get a used car and move. Unfortunately, he got really sick and passed, before any legal changes could be done to his will. Even, at the end, while my b.f. slept and played video games, I was with my father-in-law, at times all night, up and down, because his lack of oxygen was causing him to do some crazy things , like cutting his Cath tube. Anyway, I just justified my b.f lack of action, as a form of self denial, and that he was just too sad to be of any help.

 Now, here we are, a year later, and my b.f. was diagnosed with stage 4, small cell lung cancer and was given 11 months, with chemotherapy. He was not able to receive radiation, because the cancer had spread too much.

He just finished one round of chemo, and I am sure difficult for him, but he did surprisingly well. He even, after o e treatment, came home and cut the grass. He had very little nausea and a little pain with his gut, that is unrelated to the cancer. He has even gained weight.

Although, we had some problems, I was devastated, but to the best of my ability, I tried to stay strong and supportive. Even when he kept cussing me out, because he believes I do not know how to drive. He has a lot of loving friends and good kids, so I couldn't understand, why he was and is so cruel to me. I wish I could say, it was the cancer, but he has been this way a long time and now it is worse.

Since, we are not legally married, he is leaving the house to his son, as well as his automobile. The house was left to him by his dad, as well as some money ( which he spent ).

I have been consumed with worry about the future, while at the same time caring for a man who behaves as if he hates me. There is and has been, for a long time, years of constant criticism, veiled comments about my weight ( I am an average American woman), cutting me off in mid sentence, overreacting when I try to express how he is hurting my very soul.

 What I resent most about, is a memory that will be left of how I now feel; dislike, fear, anxious......nothing to do with his cancer. Even, when he was in the hospital, he would try to control and still criticize me.

Yesterday, I broached the subject, about me working part-time, save a bit of money, so that I could be prepared financially, when he passes. For three months, I have been worried sick about all of this. I don't think I am being uncaring or out of line. I do not have any family, so while the thought of losing someone else I love, I stand to lose my home and my pets, in the process. Of course, the conversation went something like this; Him....." you are not using my truck to work. If you want to work, move closer to the bus line". Me..." I do not have the money to move and you know that. I would use your truck temporarily, until I save enough to buy a used car. I could work at night, and be home during the day, for doctor's appointments." Him; " Figures, you must want to be out all night".

And this is just the tip of the iceberg......I cannot believe, a man who is dying, someone I have been there for every step of the way, would continue to be so cruel. And at the same time, I am trying my best to be understanding and loving. 

I even told him once, that he didn't even have to treat me like a woman he loves, just treat me as well as you would a friend. I guess I am not even that. And, at the same time, I am so confused about how I am suppose to feel and act and I am so worried about coming across selfish and uncaring.

 I am curious to know, how many women and men, go through this. You see the movies and read the creative stories, of how one gets sick and their spouse is right by their side and they share a great love and respect and strength.

 Even I ask myself, can I leave a man who is dying? Can a sick man still be so emotionally and mentally abusive?

 I myself, am not in very good health. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, that has spread to my rib cage and is affecting my lungs and stomach. My health cannot afford this emotional rage. I keep missing appointments to see a Rheumatologist, because of lack of insurance, I would have to go to Chapel Hill, a three hour drive. He will not even low me to use his truck to see a specialist.

I know the answer is too get help from a domestic violence shelter. I need to leave.

Has anyone ever been in this type of situation?

Thanks for reading. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Dina

 

nonichol's picture
nonichol
Posts: 170
Joined: Jul 2010

Dina, 

i hope you found some help and relief. I have been in a similar situation In the past. 

Take care

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