moms final months

Options
Jamma
Jamma Member Posts: 7
in Caregivers #1

It's hard to know where to begin. I want to vent about my personal life because I'm full of anger and resentment and so much frustration, but it pales in comparison to what my mom is facing. I'm 27, my mom 64, my grandma 84. We all live together and drive each other crazy. My mom was diagnosed 3 years ago with stage 3 ovarian cancer, and just this last week has been recommended hospice because no other treatment is an option. Doc said she had months to live. I was there at that appt. I hardly knew what to say all I said was I love you. 

So, knowing that time is precious, I'm full of anxiety. I want to do all these things with my mom that we constantly put off because she was waiting to feel better. Or I want to think of meaningful things to do. I'm already grieving and she's still alive. I think that we're just going to keep waiting and never do anything meaningful. My grandma causes a lot of this. Or at least I blame her because she controls everything and it's never worth fighting her. She also refuses to be alone especially at night, and her level of anxiety over my mom is thru the roof. When my mom dies I'm going to be alone with her and I know it's going to fall apart. But that's a separate topic. I did see a counselor briefly and I will go back. She said I should write my mom a letter saying how much she means to me, it feels hard to do.

To accept the fact that she's dying when she started feeling better a few days ago is confusing. They said it's going to be a roller coaster...ups and downs of how she feels. I don't want to be pushy at all about making my mom do anything because that's how I've been in the past and it does hurt her feelings. That I judge her for not trying harder to get out and live. :( I hate that I made her feel this way when my intentions were for us to enjoy life.  She has mentioned wanting to go to Florida or Corpus or anywhere. 

Im young, but not that young I'm immature I guess. It's been very hard to accept things. all I can do is whatever my grandma wants. She wants me to "grow up" and take over basically but she doesn't mean it because she wants to be in control. My mom has taken care of her my whole life practically and never got to do anything because of it. It's too sad. It's easier to not face these truths, I just want to yell at my grandma. Everyone, including the counselor I saw has told me to stand up to her and tell her that this time is about my mom and she needs to stop. But I just can't do it. And my mom said, now you see what I've been dealing with.  

Ok I lost my train of thought. Any advice/encouragement? also my mom is uncomfortable speaking about her death. So I guess I have to wait until after she dies to....I don't know really face it? Release some butterflies? I'm falling apart.

 

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    Options
    Okay

    Take a deep breath. And exhale. And again. Seriously. Do it.

    You are having a normal reaction to a sad time in your young life.  I am so sorry you are going through this. I was your age when I lost my dad to lymphoma.

    You can talk to your grandmother but it probably won't change who she is or help your situation. You and your mom should make your plans and do what you feel is important. If your grandmother can't be on her own while you take care of your mom, call available relatives or hire a sitter. She will be fine.

    Sit down with your mom and make a list of things you want to do. Remember: she will be living these next few months. Living, not dying. 

     

     

  • Jamma
    Jamma Member Posts: 7
    edited July 2016 #3
    Options
    Thank you. I hate that I feel

    Thank you. I hate that I feel like I'm not handling this well. But you're right, that's the major thing I need to stop this grieving now and focus on the present. 

  • LonelyOnly
    LonelyOnly Member Posts: 11
    #4
    Options
    Patterns

    It sounds like you've identified some unhealthy patterns between your mom and grandma. You want your mom to experience freedom and happiness while she's here. I totally get that. If she has expressed interest in going somewhere, definitely try to plan a short trip with just you and her. And like Noellesmom said, see if another relative will stay with your grandma so your mom doesn't feel anxious about it. Other than that, I think it's important for you to vent and remember to take time for yourself. Also, start setting boundaries with your grandma now before your mom passes so that you aren't so crushed by grief afterwards to set any. I thought I was too young to be dealing with all of this and I'm 35! You're definitely too young. Hang in there!

  • caretothepeople
    caretothepeople Member Posts: 18
    #5
    Options
    Cancer is a roller coaster of

    Cancer is a roller coaster of emotions daily. There's something called "anticipatory grief", which is common when cancer is happening to a family. It may be something to bring up with your therapist and process. Finding a support group of other caregivers , especially younger women around your age (even a general women's support group) may be helpful because it can be comforting to talk to others who "get it" and understand the dynamics. Taking a look at NAMI, Mental Health America, of the American Cancer Society offers in your area is a place to start.

    I'm really sorry you're going through this and sincerely hope things start looking up soon. 

  • Jamma
    Jamma Member Posts: 7
    edited July 2016 #6
    Options
    Thanks you guys. I really

    Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the comments and will try to keep your advice in mind. I hope I can convince my mom to go somewhere. We took a two hour trip yesterday, mostly driving, and she was super tired from it. my grandma always wakes her up to ask her if she is asleep!!! 

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    #7
    Options
    Jamma said:

    Thanks you guys. I really

    Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the comments and will try to keep your advice in mind. I hope I can convince my mom to go somewhere. We took a two hour trip yesterday, mostly driving, and she was super tired from it. my grandma always wakes her up to ask her if she is asleep!!! 

    Hope to go somewhere

    I used to take my dad for a ride once a week.  It was mostly a set day of the week and we'd go for a short period of time, depending upon what his energy level was.  I was fortunate that the car I had then had seats that fully reclined, so if he was starting to get tired, we could stop in a park in the shade and he could take a little nap.  I'd try to do my best to not hover or smother or wear him out.  Still, some weeks he'd want to go someplace that'd wear him out, and even though I knew that, I'd generally take him.  I tried to let him call the shots as best as he could.  We didn't get out of the car much, but I always had his wheelchair in the trunk just in case. 

Discussion Boards