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Blue, but don't know why

Donswife48
Posts: 326
Joined: Nov 2015

I try to go out, put on a smile, and live life.  Today, I visited my semi favorite brew pub, hoping for a glass of wonderfulness, and a good appetizer.  I could't eat all my flatbread, so I offered it to the two guys next to me (as I often do because I don't eat a lot).  They, of course, wanted to buy me a drink which I declined, but when I tried to pay my bill the bartender said it had been paid by another.  This is the 4th time this has happened, and it brough me to tears today.  I appreciate the kindness of others when they hold open ther door, but I'm uncomfortable when they pay my bill.  Yesterday, I was watching the horse race from another semi favorite bar, a young couple bought me a breakfast shot (?).  I go out to the locals to have a drink and absorb the noise, it's too quiet alone in my house, but I feel sad and depressed when people buy me drinks, or meals, it's almst like they feel sorry for me.  I go out not because of my cancer, but because I miss people.  I went to the cemetary and laid on my husbands grave and cried, that's not me, but staying home isn't me either.  Thanks for letting me vent, off topic.  Next Thursday I meet with my doctor for the first time after chemo, maybe I'm just emotional in preparation for that. 

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1683
Joined: Jun 2015

Nancy, I think we have all had blue days for no apparent reason. So sorry you are going through this. It always seems harder to deal with when you don't know why. I really hate those days. Are you strong enough yet to volunteer somewhere? It may be just what you need to get the human touch that we all need in our lives. Or can you reach out for help and companionship in your community?  It sounds like you live in a very safe and friendly area. You have been through so much physically and emotionally. Please don't try to continue alone.

Sending you lots of Love and Hugs!  Cindi

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1434
Joined: Oct 2015

I'm so sorry, (((Nancy)))!  I know several of the ladies have gone on some mild antidepressants to get through this mentally.  It seems while you're going through the chemo it's all a person can do to handle that.  But when it's over, it's like there's a big hole - as Peggy Lee sang "Is that all there is?"  I don't know if this works for everybody but when I would get depressed I'd have a "It's ok to feel rotten Eldri day."  I would stay in bed all day, cry and even howl at the moon but I always felt a lot better when I was done wallowing.  

Please let us know how you're doing or you need somebody to howl with you.

Love,

Eldri

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

Honey, they are not doing things just for you!  They make themselves feel great to give someone a little something ever once in a while!  I payed for an old couple(he was holding her hand!)lunch the other day.  He thanked ME, but I was the one that felt great  all the rest of the day.  I know it is a little unconfortable at first, but it gives you a chance to "pay it forward".  This might be what gets you back into the world.  I wasted a lot of years crying and howling at the moon^^, spending waaay too much time at the cemetery.  I did get some antidepressents(the best thing I have every done for myself!)which didn't make the problem go away, but it did help to calm it down a bit.  You need time...lots of it.  I still go to the cemetery and cry, but not every day.  It's been 25 years since my baby son passed.....just another scar we have to bear.  Keep going out, do something nice for someone(or several) and do something nice for yourself.  We are all here!!!  Best, Debra

Soup52's picture
Soup52
Posts: 903
Joined: Jan 2016

Nancy, I'm sorry you are feeling blue and it seems you were doing everything to try to relieve those feelings. Others may have sensed your feelings, too. It must be in the air. I too had a blue day this week. I had a real pity party thinking is this what my life will be now forever. I apologized to my friend for being Debby Downer and she said that's what friends are for and its to be expected that you will have days like this. ( she too is a cancer survivor. I hope you will have some better days. My thoughts are with you. We are all in this together!

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2800
Joined: Mar 2013

It sounds like these people have seen you and know you, and know you have been through a lot. Often people don't know what to say so they offer you something to eat or drink.  Sometimes have a good cry helps, but if that isn't working is there someone you can talk to?  Like the others ladies said, I agree we all get this way, and there are times it is harder to shake.  This chat room is an excellent 'venting' place, and even sometimes that is enough to help - just getting those words OUT means so much. 

I thought the first year after everything was the worst!  

BabyCoach's picture
BabyCoach
Posts: 95
Joined: Mar 2016

i would buy you a drink! And then let you buy me a drink! And we would both feel better. We are all in this life together. You are giving another person an opportunity to reach his/her better self. Do it more!!

Donswife48
Posts: 326
Joined: Nov 2015

I've taken all the words you write to heart.  Maybe it is just people being friendly, I smile and laugh a lot when I greet people, so it's possible they like to do friendly things too.  I really hate to have people think "she's pitiful", because I'm not when I'm out.  If I feel less than happy, I'll go home and keep it there.  I will also pay it forward so that others can feel there are friendly people in the world.  Hugs Nancy

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