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Sometimes, Just Sometimes

NewHere's picture
NewHere
Posts: 1205
Joined: Feb 2015

I am a year out.  And unless you are the member of this silly club, there are no words.

Two new diagnosis of people and two more people gone in the last few weeks.

Not the colon ones, but still...

And it is truly amazing how much strength and grace I have seen with all of it.

And I think that I am so weak considering everything and everyone else.

And it is getting close to the Lion who was strong as [bleep] and so kind.

But I have been passing it on.

Just sometimes it is so messed up and not real.

XOXO to you all, and you made this all so much better.  (REALLY BAD WEEK LAST WEEK)

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5222
Joined: Jan 2013

I am so sorry that your last week was a rough one. Watching others fight and pass is never easy, and can cause moments of wondering why one and not the other. Why them and not me. And then maybe, feeling terribly guilty when your inner self is happy it is not you, though not happy it was your friend. It can be very confusing. 

I am happy that you are doing well. Continue to pass it on and your good weeks will outnumber the bad. 

Trubrit

lizard44's picture
lizard44
Posts: 409
Joined: Apr 2015

Sometimes the  sadness, grief and pain that surround us  are overwhelming.  It seems that too often the  during the  ups and downs that are inevitable, the downs hit harder and last longer so that everything gets out of kilter.  Your posts have been a  great help to a lot of and I hope your down goes up soon. 

Has baseball season started where you  are yet? Our local team, the Birmingham Barons, which plays in the Southern League, is the Double-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox major-league club.  Their first at-home game  is next Tuesday, I don't know if we'll be able to make that one, but I hope we can at least attend a few this year. I hope you can get out  and enjoy the things you  enjoy, too, and those things can  help you to keep on keeping on with more ups than downs.

Grace/lizard44

 

sflgirl
Posts: 220
Joined: Jan 2015

You know we started kind of at the same time last year.  Been through a lot.  Seems surreal a year later.   A little concerned about the tone of your note.  I hope you are doing well and that your really bad week was just a short term situation.

Wishing you the very best,

Andrea

NewHere's picture
NewHere
Posts: 1205
Joined: Feb 2015

Thanks all.

Andrea it is okay and just a bad week.  You and I are pretty close in the timing for sure.  

 

It is just that I had two people pass away last week, and two others get diagnosed within the last two weeks.  And for the last month or so the cancer thoughts seem to crop up a tad more than normal.  During the surgery and chemo the "bad" thoughts were pretty minimal.  But looking out the window and a nice day while having my coffee is triggering a bit of "Wonder how many of these I have."  Fleeting, quick, but seems to be a bit more lately.  

Very well could be I am into the cycle again that we all know and love.   Starting about a week or so ago, with a port flush (just when you forget about it :)) Then within the five weeks following it an appointment to keep track of whether I have  cancer elsewhere (unrelated to the colon cancer and which led to my colon cancer being found), a colonscopy, the bloodwork and next set of scans.  [Plus there is something on my lung that seems to have changed size of no concern to the oncologist (basically so small that timing of injection or just reading it can cause the variations), but you never know.] The more I think about it, that makes sense.  This cycle seems to have come up quickly.  

 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

It's a roller coaster ride, isn't it. And sometimes it's the little things that put us on the downward spiral. It sounds like you've had some big things lately, though. I find I'll get depressed or teary over things that I wouldn't have thought would make me that way and am surprised at my reaction. Like anything, you never know how you'll feel about something until you go through it. 

I hope you're feeling better soon. Cancer is bad enough without it also sucking our joy in life. I hate the days that I dwell on how long I might life and things like that. And I resent people who don't live with those thoughts because they haven't had to look at things the way we have.

Sending you positive thoughts!

Jan  

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

  Since nov 2001 and on the colon club since 2006. I have litterally lost count of all of the friends and accuaintances that I have seen pass in that time. I remember most of them. I guess I have learned a lot about death and dying but an equal amount on how to live life to the fullest. Philleg is a shining example of that, he has never been cancer free but it seems that it never interferes ,except for short interludes , with his ability to enjoy life. He is and will always be one of my heroes. I have had many over the years. Not all were that brave , some were scared spittless , but they still fought the fight. We do have some that make it thru the dark and they give us hope. It really is like a war we are fighting and cancer IS a life threatening disease which is about as much credit as I will ever give it. Please don't feel sad when someone passes they tried hard to win the fight but there are always casualties in war and we can but salute them for their fight while we continue our own battle . So it is ok to feel sad and to grieve at times but life and the battle go on. Hugs to all ron.

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