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Should I?

Chamomile76
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2016

Hi, 

I'm new here.

I joined this site because I recently got a boyfriend & he is going through chemo due to colon cancer 3rd stage.

We just started on a relationship but at times I'm still unsure should I continue & worried if we would not have a long time together. My parents do not know about it...they might worry for me. He is frank with me that he got the cancer last dec & ask if I would mind. I find him a really nice guy so I'm fine with it. 

I do not know a lot abt cancer. We do like each other & he is the best guy I met so far thats why I didnt to give it a go on our relationship. 

Advices & sharing are most welcome. ☺

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Welcome and congratulations on the new relationship. I assume you're worried about being hurt if anything happens to him and you've fallen for him. It's normal to worry about that. But these days cancer isn't necessarily an automatic death sentence. And, of course you could fall for a perfectly helthy guy and lose him to an accident or something else unexpected, or he could lose you. Life is a gamble. I'd say go for it. You might find out that being there is the greatest experience you've ever had.

I'm stage three and expect to be around for a long time. In some ways I'm glad I had this experience. I've seen the best and the worst of people, some of whom were a big surprise. I've learned a lot both intellectually and emotionally. Today I feel pretty much normal and am doing everything I did before. I rode my horse yesterday and washed and waxed my car. I feel good and positive. One of the wonderful things that came out of all of this is that my husband- who used to not believe in God- now does and no longer challenges me on the subject. It's all been worth it just for that one thing. It has also brought us closer. We had a good marriage before but have an even better one now.  

Good luck in your decision.

Jan

Sharronoffaith's picture
Sharronoffaith
Posts: 76
Joined: Nov 2015

very nicely put Jan.  

sammer4u
Posts: 37
Joined: Dec 2011

This is really up to you and your feelings!

Here is my advice, story, whatever you want to call it.  My wife moved out in July 2011, I filed for divorce shortly after (actually got divorced while on chemo in January 2012, but I felt great about it!)  I met a gal in August and we hit it off well. I was diagnoised in November of 2011, told it was Stage IV colon cancer.   She (my girlfriend of barely two months) is the one who took me to the hospital when I was in pain, weak, and unsure what was going on with me.  We really only started dating seriously about a month or so after starting out dating ocasionally.  She was busy with her carreer, and three kids.  When I was diagnoised she stayed by my side, helped me every bit of the way.  She took care of not only her needs at home, and at work, but made sure I was taken care of and there for any updates and news.  When I left the hospital after my emergency surgery (a week later) she got all the instructions about care, signs to watch for etc.  All the while, we just started into this relationship.  She knew all the deep stuff of my disease, saw me at my worst, saw more of me than before!  All the while, knowing what stage IV meant she stuck with me.  The entire next year, 9 surgeries later, doing numerous tasks for me such as flushing my PICC lines and changing my bandages from a wound that exploded as it got infected.  She stuck by my side through all of that.  And, I can tell you that our bond grew that much more stronger (is that proper english?) as a result of my situation.  We ended up getting married in August of 2013!!! I am not saying that this is exactly your situation, however I knew that she was willing to stick it out, be with me at the lowest point of my life, help me, work with me, and be with me.  That meant a ton to me, and made a very easy decision for me!  I had to marry her!  Plus, I still feel and tell every one  that I do not think I would be on this planet yet without her by my side.  She never should any negativity from day one.  She was always positive, and pushing me.  Even if she knew more than she led on from the disease or the doctors, she never let up.  So, my advice is..  follow your heart, your feelings...  so he has cancer..  who really cares?  You will not catch it from him.  If you want to be with him, be with him.  Stand by him.  Be his rock.  Be his support.  Walk with him, and who knows where it will take you.  If you are not that comitted to him or putting in the time needed, get out now.  It will do neither of you any good!  Trust me, as I have been in his shoes...  I had no time, or concern for negativity.  I needed to get better, and battle the fight of my life.  No games, no drama...  And if you think he is worth sticking around and helping through this, get ready to step in and be a big MAJOR part of it.  My parents were there to assist, but there was no way they were going to do the daily routine stuff for me.  They were not going to be at my house (or me at their house) doing the morning flushes, changing bandages three times a day, etc....  In the long run for the both of us, it worked out very well.  We are both glad we did it, and stuck with each other throughout the whole ordeal.  One I feel i have the best wife in the world and I can now spend the rest of my life with... and she feels great she helped me through this to extend my life to be with her!  And we are really close, and got close as a result of this.  

So that is my story (or rambling)!  Good luck with your descion.  Make sure you are not making you decision based on pity, or a feeling you have to!  Do it not only for him, but for yourself.  Make sure you are ready to make sacrifices of time, and are dedicated to the relationship ahead.  

Scott

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3323
Joined: Jan 2010

You asked, so I will give my 2 cents on the subject.

First, no one entering or in a relationship knows how much time they will have together...for most it is just assumed that it will be as long as you both care...yet people die every day from things other than a known disease.

Second, being the special person in a cancer patient's life is not an easy role.  You have to be willing to understand that regardless of how he looks, there will be days when he is just not up to giving you his undivided attention.  Being sick costs money, so you have to understand that outings and gifts will not come as easily as they would if he was well.  Being sick is emotionally draining, so you have to understand that some days even small things may cause a temper flare.

Third, you don't mention how old you and he are, but your post reads like someone very young (of course I am almost 69, so everyone seems young).You need to look into your own mind and heart to determine what it is you want from a relationship with him.  It sounds as if you are in the early days of this relationship so now is the time to decide if you are in or out.  Just liking someone will not be enough.   You said "he is the best guy I met SO FAR".  Are you still looking? 

Fourth, you need to understand that his cancer does just not go away one day...even with treatments.  At stage 3 he will likely have treatments for some time to come.  Even if it goes into remission, he will have doctor's appointments and tests frequently.  Life after a cancer diagnosis is an emotional roller coaster ride for the patient....whether in treatment or waiting for the next test to see if it has returned. 

You show maturity in coming here and asking questions.  Now you also have to show maturity in determining if you are in for the long haul and can give him the support he will need.  Many perm relationships go by the wayside when one partner is diagnosed with cancer....not because they stopped caring for each other, but because one or the other could not handle the stress of life with this disease.

Wishing you both the best.

Marie who loves kitties

John23's picture
John23
Posts: 2140
Joined: Jan 2007

To be or not to be...... a ?

You neglected to tell anyone exactly how old you are, and maturity makes a whole world of difference.

Life teaches us many things, including how to read other's true intentions. And although true love can be blinding as all hell, knowing what "true love" really is can be very difficult for most of us, regardless of age or experience.

There can be sexual urges that drive us to do things we otherwise may avoid, and desires that we attribute to "love", that are only sexual urges disguised to fit the need. Differentiating between the two is an individual thing, and often wrong choices are made. We wouldn't have divorce courts otherwise.

Of course, sympathy added to the mix can seriously confuse the issue, as much as the "guilt" of being discriminatory in one's selection of preference of a healthy specimen versus one that's about to expire..........

Animal instinct should take precedence, since that's what keeps life going when a living creature does not have the influences of a human's "proper social behavior" imposed upon them. The rejection of less than healthy specimen for a life partner isn't taken as some sort of a moral deficiency in the normal animal world.

And in reality: A. all we are, are glorified animals, and B. being attracted to what is likely to die goes against basic animal instinct.

Young enough to get pregnant and share parenthood? Old enough to explain to the kids how the partner died and why you decided to have the partner to be their parent, knowing the likeliness of death? Young enough to rebound and start again? Old enough to know that the pain of being with the child of a dead parent.

There's a lot to consider. It's not a simple matter of "love conquers all", because all the love in the world isn't going to conquer cancer, or any terminal disease. And there should not be any shame felt by avoiding what is going to be very painful.

And.... (if all that isn't enough), along with having a terminal disease, the patient most often will go through phases as they move through the process. There will be episodes of depression, and episodes of hate; the patient often feels angry at those around them, as if they are not doing enough or care enough. Are you ready to embrace all the patient's feelings, regardless if the anger is directed at you?

Again, there should be absolutely no shame or guilt for avoiding what is likely a doomed from the start relationship. You can be friends and a soul mate, keeping it more platonic rather than romantic. Everyone can use a "friend", but entering into a romantic relationship, with all the probable ramifications and involvement it requires, takes more than a simple answer from anonymous people at a forum.

Do yourself a favor and ask those closest to you; talk to your parents. And give all this your undivided attention and inner thought. Making a life commitment to something that's likely nearer to it's end of life that you are, takes some very careful consideration.

And for what it's worth? I got married in 1963. I have stage four colon cancer and am now facing a major operation that may end my life. If my wife and I split up now, the last thing I would want to do is hook up with a new gal and force her to face the inevitable. To me, causing that much pain to someone else intentionally can be construed as sefishness. I wish my wife didn't have to go through this.......

Give it all some very deep thought.

Wishing you the best,

John

 

GSP2's picture
GSP2
Posts: 103
Joined: Feb 2015

with John. It think he expressed many legitimate thoughts and concerns and quite eloquently.

Steve

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