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Mountain lion

Dave418's picture
Dave418
Posts: 95
Joined: Aug 2014

Just read this on a Facebook page I'm following, I think you'll like it. 

They didn't mention who the author is.

 

................. In case you've ever wondered................

 

"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

 

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

 

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

 

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

 

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an ******* for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

 

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

 

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ***, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

 

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

 

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “**** this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

That story is a great analogy, Dave! Thank you for sharing it!

(I especially loved the line "have you tried kale? I heard mountain lions are allergic to kale!"Hahahaha!)

 

cheatinlil's picture
cheatinlil
Posts: 191
Joined: Jun 2014

Yes, Yes, Yes, that IS what it is like! :)

mrou50
Posts: 389
Joined: Mar 2013

That sums this disease up for sure.

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 771
Joined: Oct 2014

Dave , it's zo true

The most difficult thing was to smile at those lovely people who insisted telling me it was a puma a d not lien then tell them, who knows maybe you're right . Then hearing them all keep telling how proud they ae because of what I have done. What? Again smilling at them and telling them, yes you were right, i used kale to kill the lien as you have suggested, No one knows if the lien comes back but I wish all our liens are dead for ever and for those with mets wish their lien gets weaker and weaker and finally die.

 

jason.2835's picture
jason.2835
Posts: 336
Joined: Nov 2014

Dave,

Rub some kale on it!  Classic, man.  This is perfect; you need to copyright it.  I can see a YouTube video getting 15 million views you have someone do an animated version of this.  Seriously.

- Jay

Pandabear1011
Posts: 123
Joined: Jun 2014

That about sums it up!! That story is on point! Thanks for posting it, Dave.

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Thanx for brightening my day!

marosa's picture
marosa
Posts: 327
Joined: Feb 2015

Loved the story!  "Any  resemblance is purely coincidental" !!!  Thanks for sharing.

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 846
Joined: Nov 2014

It is a great and funny story. And it explains it all to those who have no idea.

I wish that all our mountain lions are whimpy and then very-very dead...

nancybuck's picture
nancybuck
Posts: 117
Joined: Sep 2015

Kale, who knew?

 

Nancy

 

ktbcapitola's picture
ktbcapitola
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2013

It is all so true.  I to love the kale statement.  A close family member asked me last wk, what about vitamin C.  My reply was 'oh, the cure the cancer community is keeping from us?'.  Some days you just do not want to answer the phone.  Thank you for giving me a good laugh on this cloudy Sunday afternoon.  Now I need to get back to the that damn mountain lion!!!

clharrell's picture
clharrell
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2018

I wrote a song based on your amazing mountain lion story. It's from the perspective of a woman, since my friend undergoing chemo is a woman. Hope this song may give God speed to others running from mountain lion.
https://soundcloud.com/chris-harrell-7/run-girl-run-for-marcia
Sincerely,
Chris Harrell

Glidergal365's picture
Glidergal365
Posts: 93
Joined: Feb 2018

I got a chance to listen to it and it's so amazing!! Great job!

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1903
Joined: Mar 2014

What an amazing analogy. It's exactly like that! How did I miss this?

paintergrl's picture
paintergrl
Posts: 47
Joined: May 2018

That is awesome!Thanks for sharing!

Steve.Adam's picture
Steve.Adam
Posts: 457
Joined: Oct 2016

I like the bit about people offering helpful advice.

It doesn't really apply to me because some helpful doctors kicked my lion off the mountain before I ran very far.

Actually, when this story was posted I did not know that a lion was stalking me.

Steve.

todd121's picture
todd121
Posts: 1422
Joined: Dec 2012

What about the comment "You know the government has this super easy fix to knocking out mountain lions but they are keeping it secret so that the people that breed bears can make a lot of money off of you and the insurance companies."?

Hahaha.

Todd

Judy Husband
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2019

And now I'm terrified of opening the refrigerator! 

LanceHeal's picture
LanceHeal
Posts: 57
Joined: Mar 2019

This is fantastic!  Thank you for sharing. This Just made my day. 

I’d say more but I have to go to the store to buy some kale now. 

Deanie0916
Posts: 234
Joined: Nov 2016

Thank you...the song is good too!

ImNotDeadYet's picture
ImNotDeadYet
Posts: 239
Joined: Apr 2017

That is outstanding! Thank you for sharing this. 

Dominick0711's picture
Dominick0711
Posts: 87
Joined: Jan 2019

Dave,

 

Just wanted to thank you for this. I think of this post often, usually when hearing awkward comments from friends and family about my condition, and it always gives me a smile and helps me let things people say roll down my back and recognize it is all done with well intention.  Anyway I just love this post and wanted to thank you for sharing it.

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