Mountain lion

Dave418
Dave418 Member Posts: 95
edited January 2016 in Kidney Cancer #1

Just read this on a Facebook page I'm following, I think you'll like it. 

They didn't mention who the author is.

 

................. In case you've ever wondered................

 

"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

 

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

 

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

 

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

 

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an **** for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

 

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

 

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ****, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

 

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

 

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “**** this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

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Comments

  • Jojo61
    Jojo61 Member Posts: 1,309 Member
    That story is a great

    That story is a great analogy, Dave! Thank you for sharing it!

    (I especially loved the line "have you tried kale? I heard mountain lions are allergic to kale!"Hahahaha!)

     

  • cheatinlil
    cheatinlil Member Posts: 197
    Yes, Yes, Yes, that IS what

    Yes, Yes, Yes, that IS what it is like! :)

  • mrou50
    mrou50 Member Posts: 389
    Nailed it

    That sums this disease up for sure.

  • foroughsh
    foroughsh Member Posts: 779
    Dave , it's zo trueThe most

    Dave , it's zo true

    The most difficult thing was to smile at those lovely people who insisted telling me it was a puma a d not lien then tell them, who knows maybe you're right . Then hearing them all keep telling how proud they ae because of what I have done. What? Again smilling at them and telling them, yes you were right, i used kale to kill the lien as you have suggested, No one knows if the lien comes back but I wish all our liens are dead for ever and for those with mets wish their lien gets weaker and weaker and finally die.

     

  • jason.2835
    jason.2835 Member Posts: 337 Member
    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Dave,

    Rub some kale on it!  Classic, man.  This is perfect; you need to copyright it.  I can see a YouTube video getting 15 million views you have someone do an animated version of this.  Seriously.

    - Jay

  • Pandabear1011
    Pandabear1011 Member Posts: 123
    Yep...

    That about sums it up!! That story is on point! Thanks for posting it, Dave.

  • hardo718
    hardo718 Member Posts: 853
    Awesome analogy

    Thanx for brightening my day!

  • marosa
    marosa Member Posts: 333
    hardo718 said:

    Awesome analogy

    Thanx for brightening my day!

    Loved the story!

    Loved the story!  "Any  resemblance is purely coincidental" !!!  Thanks for sharing.

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 993 Member
    marosa said:

    Loved the story!

    Loved the story!  "Any  resemblance is purely coincidental" !!!  Thanks for sharing.

    It is a great and funny

    It is a great and funny story. And it explains it all to those who have no idea.

    I wish that all our mountain lions are whimpy and then very-very dead...

  • nancybuck
    nancybuck Member Posts: 117
    Mountain Lion

    Kale, who knew?

     

    Nancy

     

  • ktbcapitola
    ktbcapitola Member Posts: 4
    OMG, I cannot stop laughing!

    It is all so true.  I to love the kale statement.  A close family member asked me last wk, what about vitamin C.  My reply was 'oh, the cure the cancer community is keeping from us?'.  Some days you just do not want to answer the phone.  Thank you for giving me a good laugh on this cloudy Sunday afternoon.  Now I need to get back to the that damn mountain lion!!!

  • clharrell
    clharrell Member Posts: 1
    edited July 2018 #13
    Run Girl! Run!
    I wrote a song based on your amazing mountain lion story. It's from the perspective of a woman, since my friend undergoing chemo is a woman. Hope this song may give God speed to others running from mountain lion.

    Sincerely,
    Chris Harrell
  • APny
    APny Member Posts: 1,995 Member
    What an amazing analogy. It's

    What an amazing analogy. It's exactly like that! How did I miss this?

  • paintergrl
    paintergrl Member Posts: 47
    Awesome!

    That is awesome!Thanks for sharing!

  • Steve.Adam
    Steve.Adam Member Posts: 463
    I like it

    I like the bit about people offering helpful advice.

    It doesn't really apply to me because some helpful doctors kicked my lion off the mountain before I ran very far.

    Actually, when this story was posted I did not know that a lion was stalking me.

    Steve.

  • Glidergal365
    Glidergal365 Member Posts: 93
    edited July 2018 #17
    clharrell said:

    Run Girl! Run!
    I wrote a song based on your amazing mountain lion story. It's from the perspective of a woman, since my friend undergoing chemo is a woman. Hope this song may give God speed to others running from mountain lion.

    Sincerely,
    Chris Harrell

    LOVE THIS

    I got a chance to listen to it and it's so amazing!! Great job!

  • todd121
    todd121 Member Posts: 1,448
    Helpful Comments from Friends and Passersby

    What about the comment "You know the government has this super easy fix to knocking out mountain lions but they are keeping it secret so that the people that breed bears can make a lot of money off of you and the insurance companies."?

    Hahaha.

    Todd

  • Judy Husband
    Judy Husband Member Posts: 1
    edited March 2019 #19
    Great story!

    And now I'm terrified of opening the refrigerator! 

  • LanceHeal
    LanceHeal Member Posts: 57
    THIS!!!!

    This is fantastic!  Thank you for sharing. This Just made my day. 

    I’d say more but I have to go to the store to buy some kale now. 

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 494 Member
    This is great!

    Thank you...the song is good too!