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Everything seems so overwhelming

bubuns
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2015

I lost my husband of 24 years on the 23rd of October, 2015.  He had colon cancer with mets to the liver.  All the time frames we were given were wrong.  They originally told us he would have around 3 -4 years.  He had eighteen months.  Even when he went into palliative care, they gave him three months.  He lasted barely six weeks.  At the end, he was given way to much hydro-morphine and he died of respiratory depression.  That will haunt me forever.   He had been so afraid of dying a painful death, and that is exactly what he got.  

Since he has been gone, i have never felt so lonely and depressed.  I know it will get better, but right now, I cannot imagine how it can.  He will never come back to me, I will always be alone.  I will never bear him call my name, and I will never fell his arms around me again.  I feel so empty.  His last moments haunt me.  I can see his terrified eyes and see him struggling for breath, while his nurses just looked on and told him to calm down, told him he was just having an anxiety attack.  He begged for oxygen and received none.

 

LindaK.
Posts: 490
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi, I'm so sorry you have been through this with your husband.  My husband passed away on 11/2/14 in a hospice facility.  I have scenes in my  head from a few episodes there that I cannot get rid of.  I had been on Celexa for a year before my husband passed away and my doctor doubled it while he was in hospice.  I have stayed on the higher dose and it has helped.  I can only tell you what helped me.  It took that edge off the grief and feeling like you couldn't stop crying and can't breahe.  It does get easier.  I know it's hard to hear that now and you may think it never will. I started going to a bereavement group a few weeks after he passed and that helped me for many months.  It was a small group of widows and we all had the same experiences and feelings.  It has grown to include some men and a special needs woman so the dynamic has changed.  I only go about once/month now.  I started seeing a counselor one on one in August. It  was something I've never done, but that has also helped me work through some intense feelings.  I still work full time and have to get good sleep to get up and go to work each day.  We were married about 6 months shy of 30 years.  My year of "firsts" is over, thank goodness.  I didn't really struggle through the holidays since my husband hated the holidays.  One of my widow friends called it a "widow blessing".  I have started doing things for myself, I got a cat, had a tattoo and bought a bicylce.  I also went on a cruise, something my husband never would have done.  I have enjoyed some of my new found freedom.  He was ill with cancer for 2 years before he passed away, so it was a stressful 3 years for me.  Some small things I have to be thankful for are that I never had to call an ambulance for him and he did not die in the hospital.  The hospice facility was very peaceful for both of us.  I even had a priest give him the annointing of the sick about 30 hours before he passed.

I live alone now (with my cat) and feel lonely at times.  I have put away all the picture boards from his funeral, picked my favorite 10 or so and put them in a memory box with some of his things.  This hangs in my bedroom.  I am also in the process of putting the rest of the pictures into a scrapbook, I got through about 6 pages and couldn't continue.  I have not gone through his clothes or anything from the funeral home yet.  I am not ready for that.  I have cut some people out of my life who were fake and phony only for the drama of illness and death.  I have set boundaries and don't really care what other people think.  I am my own independent person.  I have had happy and sad dreams of him, all are comforting.  I have also had a medium/psychic come to my home.  I was a little skeptical, but she told me 3 things that no one would have known.  That was also comforting.  I'm open to lots of things that can help me in my grief.  some of it will never go away and I accept that.

I would suggest reaching out for some counseling.  In August of 2014, they told my husband he had about 2 years left and in September of 2014 they told him he had weeks to months left, he passed about 6 weeks later.  He was unreponsive the last 7 days.  I can relate to some of the same things you were told.  No one ever really knows, but my husband wanted it "straight" right from the start.   He was Sage 2 in December of 2012 and we were very hopeful after he finished 6 months of chemo.  It all went to crap a few months later, sadly.

Feel free to email me if you'd like

Linda

Ladylacy
Posts: 769
Joined: Apr 2012

Grief is something that takes times.  My husband passed away 07/25/15 at home with myself and two of our sons and their wives around him.  For him it was peaceful and without pain.  He had been on in-home hospice since Sept 2013 and all I can say is that they were great.  He had fought cancer for 5 years.  When our sons and grandsons left, I told them to take what clothes of his they wanted and power tools.  To some that was too quick but for me it helped.  I have my days when I seem to be doing okay but can start crying easily.  I miss him terribly we were married for 53 years.  I met him when I was a junior in high school.  He was older.  So for me it is hard learning to live by myself, well I do have two small dogs to help.  Our sons and grandchildren don't live near us but aren't that far away.  My doctor has me on Xana to help me sleep at night and if I need one during the day I take it. 

I would dearly love to have him back with me, but I can honestly say that when he died, I knew he was at peace and that's what counted for me.  Cancer is terrible and the treatment is horrible and I have said that if I was diagnosed with it, I don't think I would go thru what I watched him go thru. 

You will have to take it one day at a time.  It will get better, at least that is what I tell myself daily.  I still don't get out unless it is to the doctor or the store.  I'm not ready to meet friends for lunch and listen to them laugh and then complain about their husbands or boyfriends.  I have said I would go to the Senior Citizens Club but am not ready for that yet.  I am sorry you had a bad time with the nurses.  Ours were great and became friends and showed up at my husband's memorial service.  I have his ashes sitting on top of my dresser so he is still with me.  They will be scattered with mine when the time comes.

Wishing you peace and comfort -- Sharon

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