Bad Choices during Cancer

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Regrettingmyactions
Regrettingmyactions Member Posts: 1
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

Like a woman had posted earlier, when my husband was diagnosed with head and neck cancer, I was okay, then got severly depressed. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening, but I was angry. Seems that him and I had just started and I didn't bear/didn't want to see him waste away before me. I shut down/out. I was so angry. I became angry and lashed out at him instead of being supportive as I have through our years of dealing with his prostate cancer (I think I was mad at God, the world). I told everyone I was sick of cancer and talking about it! I wanted it out of my life for a while and to enjoy life, at least for a while. I was selfish. I didn't want to lose him yet. We are so close in thoughts and beliefs. We had a dear pet, our baby, that I had put to sleep during this time. I thought I was being merciful/thought it would make taking care of my spouse easier as our pet was on medication 3x a day that he hated taking, he was old and constantly constipated and at the vets and looked at me like please leave me alone and quit forcing this stuff down my throat. So I did and he suffered a lot before we had him put to sleep. My husband was sick/my pet was sick. I felt like I had to make a choice of taking care of both him & could not do both. I felt so alone and that this was the end of my life as I knew it and it was. We had support, but I scared them away.  I didn't know how to allow my feelings to flow/accept what I could not change. My husband's tumor shrank & is on a study that keeps the cancer from metatisizing to the bones, but I shrank also. I wanted to cry like a baby, instead I put up a defensive front to hide my feelings. My husband wanted to make sure I was taken care of. We were paying off bills, etc. We were a team, my best friend. I lost it after our pet was put to sleep. He was our baby. I didn't want to be alone, although I have been preparing for it for years. I wanted his life/his end to be good, him surrounded by love and prayers/family, it's how I wanted things to be since he was diagnosed years ago. I even had his eulogy prepared in my mind, but I lashed out against the world/him (denial/anger). I am so sorry for it. The support I had is gone. I love my husband, he was/is my best friend and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so guilty & sorry for my actions/reaction. He is such a good man and I am a good woman. We were good together. I pray I get another chance to get this right. If people think I don't love him from the way I reacted, that is as far away from the truth as it can be. I loved him so much I could not bear the thought of losing him.  I just shut down/tried to stay out of the way until the treatment was through. Not that I was not "there" for him, I did not want to lose him. I still don't and don't ever wanto. I'm so sorry. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Comments

  • HobbsDoggy
    HobbsDoggy Member Posts: 276
    #2
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    Cancer Takes no Prisoners

    No and I was the one with the cancer.  What helped me and I strongly suggest for you is to find a cancer support group and a therapist to help you and to do it as soon as possible.  Wild emotion swings are normal, feeling alone and feeling like there is no hope are all natural, for the patient and for the care giver.  Medication can help, but talking face to face with others in a group setting can be helpful not only in getting specific advice, but also in learning that others have gone though what you are going through and have come out on the other side.

  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
    #3
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    HobbsDoggy said:

    Cancer Takes no Prisoners

    No and I was the one with the cancer.  What helped me and I strongly suggest for you is to find a cancer support group and a therapist to help you and to do it as soon as possible.  Wild emotion swings are normal, feeling alone and feeling like there is no hope are all natural, for the patient and for the care giver.  Medication can help, but talking face to face with others in a group setting can be helpful not only in getting specific advice, but also in learning that others have gone though what you are going through and have come out on the other side.

    Sounds like you now have an understanding on why your emtions took you in the direction they did with your husband's cancer. It might be a good time to share your feelings with your husband and close friends and tell them how you feel now. You can't change the past but you can put the regrets on the table and move forward.

  • wmc
    wmc Member Posts: 1,804
    #4
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    It's hard on the caregivers/Loved ones

    It is a rough road the person has to go down to fight cancer. It is also rough on the caregiver as you feel there pain but can't do anything really to help but just be there for them. I'm sure he is just as scarred and even more than you know. You might want to tell him that you are scarred too, and just how you feel. It can be very overwhelming for you both. Just let him know how/what you feel. I'll bet he will understand.

    When you get overwhelmed, just come here and write it down, it does help, and we're open 24/7.

    I'll add you both to my prayer list.

    Bill

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
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    for goodness sakes, no, you are not alone

    There is a Caregivers section on this site.  Go there if you have not and meet some whose reactions and emotions you will recognise.

    We all have different emotions, responsibilities and reactions to every aspect of life.

    It is time to let go of what cannot be changed and embrace the joys yet to come.

  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #6
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    I'd say that 90% of the time....

    fear is the underlying emotion when a person seems to be unreasonably angry....you are taking the first step in repairing relationships by recognizing the problem.  The next step is making amends....I'm sure your husband knows more than you think....that fear was directing you, but acknowledging it to him will go a long ways in putting things back together.  Friends and family, too....if they were truly your friends, they will forgive and move on.

    Having a support group is super important to caregivers....cancer never just affects the person who has it.

    p

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    #7
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    dear regret, watching someone

    dear regret, watching someone you love suffer and knowing you could lose them does strange things to people.  your anger and fear are normal.  for the people you ran off, call them.  they will understand and will want to be there for you both.  cancer is very hard to deal with and most people understand that, so i'm sure your friends and family will want to move forward with you.  now, you need to let go of the guilt and enjoy the time you have with your hubby.  none of us know how long we have so we just make the most of everyday.  we could have a heart attack and die today, so don't waste precious time on guilt.  your husband understands your fear and therefore will forgive you.  like you said, you're a team, he will be glad to have the team back together again.  i'm very sorry about your furr baby.  that is so painful especially when you're already dealing with so much.   i am praying for your healing as well as your husband's.  i think you are on the right track now, please take good care of yourself also.

    God bless you both.

    dj

  • Jan Trinks
    Jan Trinks Member Posts: 477
    #8
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    dear regret, try not to beat yourself up

    My husband was dx in 2008.  Did great thru tx and then it came back with a bang in 2010 and he passed away Aug. 2010.  Like you and your husband we were a team.  I didn't shut down but I was plenty angry.  Before he started tx he had been given a folder outlining the rad. part of his tx.  He worked retail and I taught school.  One afternoon when I came in and he was still at work I saw that folder lying on the living room table.  He was working that night.  I picked that thing up and i through it across the living room with papers flying everywhere and then I sat down and cried.  This site has been a lifesaver for me.  I had to put down one of our shelties 7 months to the day Charlie passed away.  It was so hard.  And then a year later I had to put the other sheltie down.  Both were old and suffering.  I also lost a brother 8 weeks after my husband passed to a massive cerebral hemmorrhage.  It was just too much to handle so close together.  So, no you are not the only one that feels that way and even though you regret your actions, try not to beat yourself up.  I'm sure your husband understands/understood at the time.  I was so afraid of  losing Charlie and when it did happen I was just devastated and it's almost been 5 years now.  But like you and your hubby we were such a team; so connected.  But thru this website, my faith, family and friends I have learned to go on - it's not easy and I expect never will be - it's just different.  We were married for 35 years.  We had no children so our dogs were our "children".  I did get another sheltie and he is now 3 years old and I have an 8 yr. dachshund and they are truly my lifelines.  I agree with the post you might want to find a cancer support group.   But I think the most important thing is that you knew deep down that wasn't what you wanted to do, but this beast can really get to you. And I think it took a tremendous amount of courage on your part to share this with us so it sounds as if you are reaching out which is great.  I cannot say enough about this website and the people on it truly understand what you're feeling and are so compassionate and caring.  Hope this helps. I will be praying for you and your husband.

     

    Jan (basketcase - I always sign basketcase because I would always tell Charlie I'll be or I'm just a basketcase and he would tell, "no you won't be or no, you're not!  So it became a joke between us!)

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