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It's 3:30 AM

Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

Yup, I'm sure many of you can relate. I'm awake too early, and have too much on my mind...

I'm currently NED. Finally feeling recovered from my latest surgery (40% of liver removed this past December - along with three Mets). And I'm back to work full time, new bosses, crazy changes, etc. 

And I'm going in for CEA test and chemo this Thursday. Last CEA was a month ago.

I'm also writing an appeal to BCBS as they have denied paying for a PET Scan. $6,800 bill. Eek.

- Will my CEA continue to be 0.5? 

- Will the chemo knock me out?

- How will this chemo make me feel?

- Will I be able to keep up with my work?

- Will the BCBS appeal work?


Yup, too much on my mind. I wish I could sleep. This laying in bed awake is going to male tomorrow a really rough day. As it is I alreadu have tough tasks to work on tomorrow; I don't need to make them harder by being tired.

What do you all do to clear your mind? 

I know time will answer all my questions and worry doesn't help in the least.


Deep breath.


Trubrit's picture
Posts: 5491
Joined: Jan 2013

It is good to see you here, and to hear that you are NED.  Good luck for your next set of tests. Always a next set of tests to worry about. 

I know you've probably read my previous posts about my guided imagery CD, that saved my bacon when I first started this journety. I know that kind of thing doesn't work for all, and I really didn't think it was 'up my street' (hoping thats a saying you have in America). But I was willing to try anything to get some sleep. 

I ordered this CD from Amazon.com (living in rural America, you've gotta know that Amazon is a wonerful thing) 'Meditation to help you with Chemoterapy (Health Journeys) - Belleruth Naparstek  and it had miraculous results for me. 

I wish you well, my friend. I hope that the answers to all of those questions running through your head, are answered in a positive way. 

Sue - Trubrit

lilacbrroller's picture
Posts: 412
Joined: Jun 2012

well, I'll say I didn't read your post at 3:30 AM but if I had, I would have immediately written back as an expression of solidarity.

tough times. money and work issues are very stressful, so hopefully once you have more resolution on both fronts, some of your burdens will be lifted.  a positive on the bill is that it can hopefully be deducted from your taxes...

I must say I don't clear my mind. I can't. I wish I could but I can't.  The only thing that really works for me in terms of mind clearing is hard exericse. But with cancer and treatment, most of the time I can't do this. It's awful.  So my usual coping mechanism is gone. Walking and bikeriding (impossible in snow) helps a bit, but it's not the same...  

People for years have told me to meditate but I don't. I havent' regularly flossed my teeth in 40 years either.  But.. I have learned to live with a scrambled and active mind. The trick is to not worry about your mind not being clear, if that makes any sense. Accept the anxiety and learn to live with it like a noisy neighbor.  If you do experience a moment of clarity with no anxiety, stop and notice it. If you're driving, pull over and open the window and smell the air. Enjoy it.  Think, "wow. five minutes of peace."  When these moments crop up randomly (and they do), just learn to recognize them and enjoy them. If you're with someone you love when it happens, gaze into their eyes, hug them and tell them you love them. Sounds corny but it works. 

When you're brain is going ten zillion miles an hour, resist the urge talk to yourself (hah!) out loud or in your head.

Try not to dwell on the negative. easier said than done. 

also, stay in the present. Sure, you have to plan for the future - ie have six months of savings in case you're fired, etc - but if future events scare you, stop thinking about them all the time. Or if you can do this, schedule a time of day when you only think about "what if"s and the future. Say 7-8 in the morning or something. whatever. if your thoughts creep up at other times, discipline yourself to punt until later, untll this scheduled time. And also, letting the past creep into your thoughts can also cause anxiety, unless they are happy memories. Don't beat yourself up over things you can't change.

While I say I don't meditate, sometimes I do some some deep nose breaths. Not too rapidly or you'll flood your system with carbon dioxide and you could get lightheaded and pass out. but if you feel really jumpy, just take a few seconds to breathe deeply and ground yourself. it can work in the short term. 

I don't know if you're into pampering or not, but massage is great and some insurances will pay for it. many of us keep tension in our necks and backs, and massage can relieve this. 

good luck with everything. Hope you feel better




Trubrit's picture
Posts: 5491
Joined: Jan 2013

Be selfish every now and again (at least once a day, and a day once a week). Its easier for me to do because I'm still out of work (should be hearing this month if my old (part time) job is coming back. I know its harder when you have a full-time job. 

Today I am going up the canyon, all day; six hours at least. This is my time. This is my healing. Yes, my husband is home. Yes, my house needs cleaning, but this is my healing and I do it every week without fail. 

If you have something that you find catharic, relaxing, healing, whatever it might be, thats the way to go. 

Like I always say, it works for me and is just a suggestion. 

OK, I'll shut up now. 

Sue - Trubrit

Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you Sue and Karin. I love your suggestions and I'm going to put them into practice. I'm also going to give up worrying for lent. Well I'm going to try. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. My job is to enjoy today, right now.

hugs to you both.

nite nite. :-)

Posts: 1282
Joined: Apr 2012

To clear mind of all my problems, I find praying does the trick!!! try it!

RickMurtagh's picture
Posts: 586
Joined: Feb 2010

I remember it took me months to sleep more than a few hours at a time after my first surgery.  Fortunately, after recovery and the start of chemo, I could not stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.  It took six months after chemo to start sleeping through the night AND staying up most of the day.  I think I took naps for the first two years after.  Fortunately I was unemployed and had the luxury of keeping what ever schedule I needed.

You obviously don't have that luxury.  Here is to a clear mind and peaceful sleep!

 peace and best wishes,


Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

My husband takes Remeron.  It's a sleep aid, anti depressant and appetite enhancer.  He sleeps much better than I do!

Easyflip's picture
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2013

I have not tried this but it was suggested to me and is actually covered on my plan- hypnosis. The person I was referred to is an actual MD and its used for anxiety and surprisingly healing. Maybe worth checking out.


Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

The mind does like to take on our troubles when we are trying to get to sleep.

I have found that mentally starting a "story" helps.  I will think in detail about a trip I would like to take, what I will see and do.  By putting the mind to work on the story, it keeps the rest of the "noise" away.  I usually use the same story each night.  Many times it doesn't take long for sleep to come.

Now if you are having trouble staying asleep, that is another matter.

Wishing you many good night's sleep.

Marie who loves kitties

Posts: 105
Joined: Sep 2014

Replying at 4:30 am, I have no words of wisdom...  What reason did BCBS give for denying the PET scan?  I've never had them deny one yet, though I know each one has to be pre-approved.  Good luck on all fronts.

Phil64's picture
Posts: 838
Joined: Apr 2012

Steve, they said it was "not medically  necessary."

I have filed the second level of appear.  I have not heard back on this yet.

Given longer working hours, I'm starting to  sleep through the night now. :-)


And I do pray! And that does help too.


Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

My husbandso pet scan was denied too.  Even on appeal.  Probably because he just had one beginning of January.  So he had a ct scan today.  Doc says if it doesn't show anything then they will do a pet scan.  If it does show something, they may still need a pet scan for the big picture.  Makes perfect sense Huh?  

Oh the anxiety.  We were both fairly calm about the big jumps in cea figuring how bad could it be with a clear scan 2 months ago.  how sad is it that I was trying to determine what best case scenario would be so I would know where I could pray for the recurrence to be.  Cancer just sucks.  I'm happy for people that can find positive in it, but I just can't.

i think I may try Helens legs on the wall tonight.  I hope I can get up after!

Staying busy is good.  My husband does the same.  As well as praying.  

Posts: 105
Joined: Sep 2014

I hope you continue to sleep.  I'm still struggling to do anything but toss and turn at night.  I have a pet scan coming up in another week.  I haven't had one since July of last year, so hopefully it will be approved.  My CEA is trending up and I'm feeling drained, but hopefully it will be good news.  I'm swaying back and forth listening to music, so regardless I'm smiling...  The Beatles are keeping me company.

Helen321's picture
Posts: 1428
Joined: May 2012

I've had too many of these nights, totally relate.  I'm not a big yoga person (okay I'm not a yoga person at all) but someone taught me this relaxation position that works WONDERS.  It's called legs on the wall.  You lay on your back with your butt against the wall and do just as it sounds, put your legs on the wall straight upward.  What it does is bring blood flow directly to all of your organs and causes your brain to relax.  It's impossible not to relax.  Of course there have been nights where every hour I've had to put my legs on the wall.  lol  The anxiety does kick back in but if you fall asleep before it does, it's always great.  I now do this every night just before bed for 10 mins.

Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6715
Joined: Feb 2009

Yes our thoughts race - especially at night when it is quiet and we wake too early.  We lay quietly while our minds race.  I'm glad you are NED so relish that thought as things go through your mind.  Blue Cross will eventually work itself out but be adamant that there was a reason for the PET instead of a CT that was ordered by the doctor.  Insurance will get away with as little as they can pay.  Hoping that you feel less anxiety soon.


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