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A little support please...

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 76
Joined: Nov 2011

Hello Everyone,

 

I hope you are having a wonderful New Year thus far! It is so heartwarming to read the wonderful posts on this forum. I oftentimes read, but rarely post. I guess I'm asking for a little support now.

I recently had a CT scan and I have a small lesion on my liver. I had an MRI today to see if it's a met or something else. My doctor is optimistic that it's nothing, it's the waiting that's so hard. It's just hard to talk about the situations we cancer-fighters find ourselves in with people who don't haven't had the experience. How could we expect others to understand, really? Sometimes I get so frustrated because the world expects so much of me (us) still. I am a wife, mom and teacher. None of those are easy, to be sure. Nothing is more rewarding either. I look normal on the outside, but do have side effects from chemo, radiation, blood clot etc.  Sometimes I wish I could cut back on work, but my kids have braces to pay for, college.

I've been going back and forth a lot recently. Sometimes I feel like it would be okay to go and then other days the fear of leaving grips me and almost takes my breath away. What would my sweet boys do without their mom? I think it's just the waiting process, I'm trying to prepare myself if this thing on my liver is bad.

I just felt the need to get that off of my chest and I know this is a safe place to do so, thanks for listening. My husband is a very kind and loving man, but dismisses my fear/feelings with "everything is going to be okay." Occasionally I'd like him to be a little scared too, I know he probably is but is hiding it from me.

Thanks again for all of the support I've always receivied from you wondrful ladies.

Rachelle

 

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

I'm here to tell you everything is going to be alright!  I'm probably old enough to be your mother and sometimes we just need to hear that everything is going to  be ok.  Incert cyber hug here.!  We cannot be strong all the time and you sound like you have more than a full plate.  I face the same"what if" that you do.  Some days it's a " Take me home Jesus" day and then the "I can't leave now, I don't have TIME to die".  You are tired, wired, and scared and it's the middle of the night.  The fear is always more powerful at night.  I have been NED 4 1/2 years from 1a UPSC and still hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop...on my head!  I have three "nodes " in my lungs, a node on my thyroid, God knows what else.  I just got word two days ago that my "new" aortic valve has to be replaced ASAP.  I go in Jan 5 to see when they are going to do it.  So, I know how the waiting and unknown can scare the life out of you and get you going to the dark side.  Try to breath and relax.  I'm up if you need me!  IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!  Debrajo

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

I have mets to my heart, diaphragm, kidney and adjacent to my spine.  I was diagnosed stage IIIC UPSC in April 2013.  I too look normal and carry on with my full life while undergoing more treatments and decisions about the best plan of attack.  I think about the what if frequently, I think it is normal and natural to do so but not being able to share those thoughts and fears just added way more stress to my already full plate.  I sought out some help, both here and from my doctors. I learned that I have to figure out how to live with my cancer, not despite it.  And I intend to do so.  Work has been challenging for me this past year, I work fulltime in additionto undergoing treatments every three weeks.  seeking out help and a light antidepressant was a huge turning point for me.  I also do things for myself to give me some space mentally - I walk my dogs early in the morning to see the sunrise over the San Fernando Valley.  

You aren't alone and hopefully your news won't be bad.  But if it is, you can do it.  Someone told me to take things one day at a time, one hurdle at a time.  Not to look too far ahead and to give myself the space to feel the emotions I feel.  It was, and continues to be, great advice.  Stay strong and thrive.  And keep reaching out.  I get strength from these boards and you will too.  Hugs and sending you prayers.  Anne

Hybridspirits's picture
Hybridspirits
Posts: 209
Joined: Nov 2012

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I agree what we are facing is nothing anyone else who isn't going through it can understand as well.  I am too waiting for results of a "possible node" on my lungs and had a follow up CT Scan Tuesday and haven't heard either.   Sounds like you are a wonderful person to many (wife, mom and teacher) which is probably why they expect from you.  You do need to take time for yourself during these stressful times.  I wish I was near you to give you a big hug and have you feel the same from someone else who is going through this as well.

i did find that joining the local LiveStrong program at my local YMCA was great as it was a free program for Cancer survivors/patients for 3 months that provided a program of mind/body and health.  we exercised together 2 times a week.  My group was a group of younger patients most with families.  It was nice to have somewhere's where others just asked "how are you doing" and didn't say I am sorry.  Offered real support.  The Y also lets the family join for the 3 months for free so many of the families came at the same time as we did.  I had one woman in my group who was very young bring her 9 year old twins and they thoroughly enjoyed the time at the gym.  I still am in contact with my group as they are my moral support locally

Happy New Year and I am praying that this New Year brings you good news soon and that you enjoy your time with your family today.

hugs

Sharon

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1981
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Rachelle:

Your husband is probably very scared for you.  But if he is anything like my husband (who is very supportive), he probably acts like nothing is wrong.  I had ask my husband this question a long time ago and it appears that if he acts like nothing is wrong, then I am ok.   It is how he deals with it.   And he is trying to stay strong for you.    When I was first diagnosed (2005), my three sons were young(10, 12, & 14) and I had to stay strong for them.   In fact, they didn't even know I had cancer until several years later.  They thought I just had a woman's disease and on Friday's I would go to bed early (especially the week of treatment).   You do not need any type of negativity.   Negatives bring a person down.

With regard to your liver lesion, since your doctor says it is nothing it probably is.   Further, just because it is a lesion doesn't mean it is bad.   I saw on several of my scans (which I didn't even know) that I have several scattered liver lesions which they indicate are either cysts or small hemangiomas.   It is still worrisome none the less.   

It is good to vent here.   I started to vent here because I didn't want my husband to stress over me being stressed because his job stresses him enough.   Hang in there Rachelle!   

Sending you hugs.

Kathy

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2736
Joined: Mar 2013

Rachelle, it is nice to have an outlet to get it all out to people who understand.  I suspect your husband is terrified but lovingly supports you and doesn't want you to worry about him - very, very sweet.

Take a breath.  Try to do something very special for yourself, perhaps with that special husband. 

Prissy777
Posts: 41
Joined: Dec 2014

I know how you feel. I too get frustrated I wonder if you could contact one of the Cancer Society in your area and see if they could provide someone who could help you with the house maybe one or two days a week. I don't know where you live I didn't seem to catch that from the email, but regardless there maybe alternatives for people to help give you a hand from some of the Cancer Societies. I seem to recall of someone who's got a maid to come in to help them for a every week or so and it was paid for. So why don't you take a break maybe cut your hours at work down to 35 hours a week instead of 40 is there a chance that possibly you could talk to your employer and see if this is an option. I think maybe you have a wonderful husband and kids and I consider you very lucky for that.  I'm single and really don't have anyone special like that my lifeFrown, yes it can be extra work but it is also a blessing...Please note you have so much to deal with it is never easy.  I had spots on my long day everyone was worried about with cancer but the PET scan showed it was not, sometimes these things are just spots.  Take a deep breath, contact your local ACS and county and see what support you can get.

 

 

 

 

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 76
Joined: Nov 2011

Thank you for all of the responses. All excellent ones. 

I truly feel better just writing everything out. I'm usually down in the dumps for awhile but recover quickly. I'm hoping to hear from my doctor tomorrow! 

Much love, 

Rachelle

laura25's picture
laura25
Posts: 178
Joined: Mar 2011

Rachelle,

Every word you wrote I feel.   This month is the 4 year dx mark for me.  I still have those jolts of fear that course through my body.  It's usually as I'm about to fall asleep,  the wave of panic and the thought it might be back takes my breathe away.  Its horrible, and I hate that my mind wanders to that.  I wonder if we all suffer from some sort of PTSD.  

My husband also dismisses my fears and says it will be ok... but this is his defenise mechinsim.  They are scared also.

Please please please find comfort in what the doctor has told you.  I know how hard it is to wait.    

In the meantime breathe and put one foot in front of the other... you are amazing

   

pinky104
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

I had stage IVb (the worst there is) UPSC and am now 4 years and 7 months out from surgery.  I have had a lesion on my liver all along and it has been stable, so my doctors always say it's just a cyst.  You will probably be going for lots of repeat CT scans, so they should give you some reassurance that if it is just a cyst, like mine, it's not growing. Each new scan I have just reinforces that fact.  

I had a scare this past year because a mass was found on a scan somewhere else, but it looks like that's nothing as it hasn't grown (I've had three more scans since the first one).  I think we all worry about our cancer coming back.  We never know if we'll be the lucky ones who won't have a recurrence. I always expect the worst, then things can only get better.

Don't let the worry get you down.  Just come on here and complain about it and you'll see you're completely normal.

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 76
Joined: Nov 2011

My doctor called last night and they can't even see the lesion they saw on the CT scan, so I am officially okay. WHEW! The mind games these scans play with us are no less than ruthless.

I would like to thank you so much for all of the kind words and encouragement you gave to me. I really have a hard time talking about all of this with people who don't "get it."

You all were very helpful and I sincerely appreciate it. I needed you.

Much love,

Rachelle

 

 

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1471
Joined: Jun 2012

I am so happy for you.  live well.  Take time for you.

It happened to Me's picture
It happened to Me
Posts: 206
Joined: Apr 2014

Am SO happy to hear the great news.  This is a huge relief.  I wish you well.  Enjoy life.

Jeanette

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1981
Joined: Nov 2009

Rachelle, that is great news!   

Kathy

AWK
Posts: 364
Joined: Mar 2013

so happy for you!  Anne

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