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12-14 months....children ages 5, 8, 22, 23, 31

skrammymom5
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2014

While my husband of 10 years is still battling, we have entered pallitave care and have been told 12-14 months if we choose chemo to "buy us a little time".  I have been unable to find in cancer resources any support groups of survivors of spouse who are young with young children.  My husband is 57 and I am 48.  I'm swimming in the loving care of my 31 year-old step son, the confusion of my 23 year-old son in the Air Force, my 22 year-old daughter who wants him to live long enough to dance with her at her wedding, our 8 year-old who actually understands what is going on and prays that daddy receives a miracle and our 5 year-old who doesn't talk about what is going on but snuggles with me like he wants to crawl inside me.  With everything that we are planning - hospice, funeral arrangements, filing life insurance, locating retirement benefits and retirement 401(k)s etc., are there any young mothers out there that have any advice.  I'm struggling with being human for my children and being robotic with all the necessary arrangements that need to take place in preparing for the next 12-14 months.  I love him so much and he has always taken care of everything.....everyone tells me they admire how strong I'm being, but on the inside I think I have brick walls built high to handle everything.  Is there a mother out there who can relate and provide any insight?  If Mayo had not told him "C" was back and pissed off, he wouldn't know as he still feels good.  How long do we move along day-to-day to the outside world like our life is no different than any other life.  I realize we are all born with an expiration date, but some insight with ongoing life without the husband Christ gave to me is very difficult.  Peace~

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm a grandmother as opposed to a young mother. I lost my husband five years ago when we were both 63. He had fought his cancer for 6 years. We had two adult sons and daughters-in-law and four granddaughters. Two of our granddaughters were teenagers and the other two were 4 and 7. The two older granddaughters had gone one vacations with us several times and were very close to their grandfather. I will always remember our older granddaughter sitting with her grandfather and holding his hand just two days before he died.

I know my experiences are very different from yours. We each have our own story. We do have some commonalities, though. Don't you hate that "You are so strong," comment. It drove me crazy at times. All you can do is smile and thank those say it.  They mean well and consider it a complement, but it often made me want to say, "No, I'm not!" or "Do I have a choice?"  I would encourage you to connect with hospice. You may not be ready for it yet, but the sooner the better. Check in with them. Many hospices have help for the children. They are in fact there for the entire family. My husband chose to do as much as he could for as long as he was here. We did have a strong support system with family, friends and church family. We tried to talk about every think we thought I might need to know. He lived longer than we expected but not nearly long enough. It is never long enough. Still there were things that came up after I lost him that I hadn't expected. Also, as time passes, you may think you are ready for the end. You really won't be. It still hits you like a ton of bricks. My only real advice is to cherish every moment you have. Believe it or not, even with 42 years of marriage, some of my best memories come from those last 6 years. We celebrated every holiday, every vacation, every everything as if it might be the last. Hang on, though, this roller coaster ride is still the most difficult time I ever experienced. Take care of yourself, too. You can't care for your husband and family if you don't care for yourself. Fay

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