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girlfriend after bone marrow transplant

Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2014

About 7 months ago, my girlfriend became part of the 1% of her age (30) and gender to get diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. She's been through a lot.. the chemo, bone marrow transplant and to top it off.. a hip replacement next month. She's been the light of my life- and everyone elses lives for years because of her consistant positive attitude torwards life and the punches it may throw at you.

I have noticed a great deal of change. She hasnt been answering her phone or responding to texts from good friends trying to reach out, be supportive, or just trying to keep her involved in their lives - cancer or no cancer, they just want to be around her because she has always been such a great friend. The friend who always put a positive twist on a negative situation, who could make you laugh when you really didn't want to. But lately, not only have I noticed those actions, I feel she is now pushing me away as well.

I spent all of september with her in Durham during her transplant, it was a difficult month. I quit my job and dedicated all of my time to her. We live together and also have a very supportive room mate. 

Lately I have really noticed a more aggressive, angry, and pessimistic behavior torwards me and everything around her .I can't remember the last time I have seen her genuinely smile or laugh at something silly I do that used to crack her up. It's hard. I don't know what she is feeling, but sometimes I feel like she resents me for that. I'm trying to do what I can, but I am at the point where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I dont want to lose grasp of myself either trying to keep up with everything she is needing when I feel like everything I do is wrong. 

I don't know anyone else that has been in a similar situation.. and I would love some advice. A few of my closest friends don't understand what I am going through at all.. they are starting to judge her and say she is not being fair. But I know she can't help what she is doing.. she is going through something very tramatic and I want to be there for her. 

Please help.


Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2016

Unfortunately, your post is dated.  However, as a MM person in remission I can share with you the fact that anybody who gets a cancer diagnosis is totally shocked and none of us react the same.  For me, like your friend, I had a wide-ranging group of friends who wanted daily updates and I simply did not want to deal with it... particularly before I had the total picture of my prognosis.  To battle this quest to crawl within my own shell I had a family member respond to the multiple requests thereby shielding myself and allowing me to somewhat "wallow" privatly in my diagnosis.  I have you to go through the total trauma that your friend has appeared to endure but you just have to understand that this is kind of a personal thing... even amongst your loved-ones, that may help her best to cope with this horrible disease.  


Hang in there and be there for her.



Posts: 1097
Joined: Jun 2016

I have a totaly differnt cancer, but have reacted in the same way. My reasoning is that I don't want to always have the cancer on my mind, so I don't like to repeat my story or give updates ad nauseum to all the family and friends and caregivers who truly are concerned and want to help. I let my husband handle that so I can have some peace and be better able to cope when I have no other choice but to give this my full attention.

The point of every everything we go through to battle the beast that is cancer is to live and to have as normal of a life as possible. It's exhausting and traumatic, so we truly treasure the time we have when we don't even think about it and can be normal rather than sick. It's likely that your friend withdrew as a self-defense so she could see herself as being more than her cancer diagnosis. Don't give up on her; just try to include her more in the normal things you'd do with her without any acknowledgment of the elephant in the room. Let her be the one to bring it up and share information when and with whom she needs to.

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