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So Confused

mbimrose_1
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2014

Im having a very difficult time lately. I was happily married with 3 wonderful young boys. My life was not always peaches and cream but it worked.  I was diagnosed with Follicular Non-Hodgkins in 2010. At first I spent my time alone crying.  Then I decided that I would control the beast and not let it control me. I had a wonderful support system and lots of friends willing to help. Then came remission. Never thought I would be so scared to end my treatments. It was a whole new normal that I wasnt ready for. The thoughts of is it really gone, how do they they know, what if it comes back and they dont catch it. All the thoughts that run thru your mind.

I slowly gave inand accepted that it was ok to walk away from the Chemo Lounge. I accepted all parts of remission. I had battled the beast and won. How could my life get any better. 

Somewhere along the line I started to relize I didnt win. I lost everything because of my new normal. I lost my house because it was more important to take care of my kids and the income just wasnt covering the bills. I left my husband of 15 years because something had changed and I couldnt accept it. I meet another man that helped me thru a lot but have also lost him because of my new normal. I lost my job because the stress lately is just too much to bear. I lost so many friends because I pushed them away.

I avoided all my cancer groups because I didnt need them. I was strong enough to fight the beast, I am strong enough to deal with this new normal. Well here it is 3 years cancer free and im seeking help. Any and all advice is welcomed.

Sten's picture
Sten
Posts: 162
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi mbimrose_1,

You have given up very much because of your emotions, stress, and confusion.

You still have your kids to take care of. They can give you strength to go on.

Sten

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Welcome mbimrose_1.  I can certainly relate to the "new normal".  Our lives are changed so much by this experience.  We are not the same people we were.  I still find myself soul searching and trying to make sense of things at times and it's been three years for me as well. 

Have you considered counseling?  That might help you focus and hopefully get at the root of all this and deal with it better.  I'm sure you're sad, angry and confused - that describes a lot of us here at one time or another :).  Just know you are very welcome here and are not alone.  Also, it's okay to be human :).  I'm sorry all of this has happened to you but I know things can get better. 

Sending you big hugs and strength,

Jim 

White whale gives man hug

 

Anonymous user (not verified)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j2r2nDhTzO4

Mary N.
Posts: 100
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi, remission requires a totally different adjustment and I have found it hard to grasp at times.  I see a psychologist and have found him very helpful in keeping me anchored.  I would suggest some counseling or a group going through what you are.  Hugs.  It is just plain hard to change and adapt to all of the stages of cancer.  Hugs.

 

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

mbimrose_1,

Be good to yourself and consider counseling.  If I didn't have someone safe to talk to I would be in a world of hurt.

I have follicular non Hodgkins right now. I was in remission for two years. I can relate to "new normal" .

After my first diagnosis I really started taking inventory on what I wanted in life. After many changes , some good , some bad , a horrible car accident,  I unfortunately was diagnosed again.Now in treatment again and recovery from car accident I know what I want and am living intentionally for my goal.I still need counseling, I still need support but I don't live my life unhappy.  Yes I deal with severe depression & anxiety but it's about doing the things that give me joy and feed my passion.If you don't have a passion or a hobbie. Get a friend you already know and take some craft classes or do a road trip you may have wanted to do or go volunteer somewhere you feel strong about.

I have some disfunction in my family and I still have issues that come up with my three young adult children but I keep in mind life is too short to get wrapped up in the stress. I have to trust I'm not miss fix it anymore and I have to let alot of things go. I pray alot for my family ,friends, everyone on this site and my church but it's not my job to control any of it.

I now walk with love(sometimes I have to work at it more then others) when I can and don't participate in stuff that isn't mine or if it makes me uncomfortable.If I'm angry I try to handle it in a healthy manner. But the big picture....I'm sick , I'm trying to get healthy and I have to allow life to happen but i can also say i have lashed out at the ones i love the most, probably because I am scared. I make sure I find time for me and find time to let someone help me when I need help.Thats not easy for me but I'm learning. I fall short of being perfect and I even make mistakes but now I see if I don't share what I'm feeling and try and do this stuff alone that's exactly what's going to happen. I'll end up alone.

I am sorry your going threw this hard time. Like Jim said feel free to talk here but also think about a support group or counseling.   If it's going back to those you know or finding new. You have been threw alot and your kids need you too. Be good to you and reach out to someone that your comfortable with.  Your worth it.Keep talking and keep moving forward, You will find what you need. 

~Hugs~

GG 

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Well said, GG :).

 

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