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Want to be well.....soon!

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Big reality check today.

I do some contract work not full time but it helps me with some of my bills. I have been that emotional rollercoaster lately and today I let the gates open. Talking w/ my contractor/best friend of 14 yrs. She asked me how vulnerable do I really want to make my self with being in public service.  Some stuff we do in office and some we do in "events or training sessions". I work in health services to help others have more independent living and also to feed there assets and help with defects. Wide range of issues. Because of some consumers having compromised immune system we are sticklers about "if your sick or think your sick STAY HOME !!!". Now that I am in treatment .... my immune system is compromised. That means....less work that I desperately need to pay my bills. My mind keeps saying oh I'm fine. People ask me how I am....i lie and say oh I'm fine.Im not fine I need help and I certainly need more rest that I don't give myself. I hate giving up work and I hate being so dependent on others. Aswell as admitting that I am sick. Still doesn't mean I will be later but I can't fool myself eather.

And this waiting in between treatments is making me so nuts.i just wanna get it over with. My reality is 5 more months. I did get some anxiety meds that Jim had recommended...that has been very helpful.  Now I just need to slow the train down and just chill out. Acceptance is where I'm at I think.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. I do ramble alot.Sorry.

~GG~

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi GG,

 I say this often, so forgive me, but all we can do is take things one day at a time. Worrying about the bills, getting sick, and fearing what the future is going to bring is a natural process we all go through during treatment, and well after. I went through so many stages in the first 2 years of treatment, first year being the worst. I was angry, sad, worried and full of fear at any given time and not in any order. I got over being angry quickly because it didn't solve anything and just made me feel ugly. The sadness of having uncurable cancer is pretty much gone, but I still find myself worrying at times, and good old fear will creep up on me when scan time rolls around. Be gentle on yourself and as hard as it is, try to keep stress to a minimum. It's hard to do,especially in the beginning of treatments, but stress is hard on the immune system,hence makes healing a slower process. I've been dealing with this stupid cancer since June of 2010 and now in the process of watchful waiting, which is not fun at all. Like you, I just want to be DONE with it all. I'm starting to accept the idea that treatment may be something I will have to do for life, with mini breaks in between relapses. I'll take what I get and be grateful. Keep the faith and don't give up. 5 months will go faster than you think. Love...Sue

Follicular NHL-stg3-grd2-typA-Dx 6/10-age 64 Smile (yesterday). 

Sten's picture
Sten
Posts: 162
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi givingrace,

Try to get the rest you can, and sleep long at night. Hard times need to be handled with care and as much calm as you can achieve.

I wish you strength and endurance and hope for better times.

Sten

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Thanks so much Sue for validation and encouragement. 

Thanks so much Sten you always put things in such a straight forward way. 

Funny thing......i woke up with a cold! So did my best friend ! I haven't even been out of house but once sence the beginning of my treatment beginning of last month......Ugh. 

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

I understand your situation and how you feel.  There is help out there and asking for and accepting help doesn't make you a bad person.  I got assistance from The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society primarily to help with my COBRA expenses which pretty much depleted my savings.  There's paperwork involved, an annual limit and funds are based on availability.  They were a big help to me and I can't thank them enough.  There website is:

http://www.lls.org/

Also, maybe there are some things you can do from home regarding work if you feel up to it? 

Hang in there and hugs,

Jim

 

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Thankyou Jim. 

I  never  thought of that. It's funny that I can come up with all sorts of resources  for others but I am totally clueless to taking care of myself. I will look into that. I also need to find some help with transportation I have a ton of family and friends but Not all the time is everyone available.  

From everyone's input I am finally really seeing how much I push things. I will put my gears down and start letting others help me.

Hugs to all ♡

~GG~

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

I promised my friend I won't drive until I take a TBI driving test at the local Brain Hospital :D !

 

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 836
Joined: Mar 2013

GG, you may want to give the American Cancer Society a call. They have amazing resources including rides to appointments.  Also your hospital probably has a Nurse Navigator who can meet with you to assess your needs and help with resources. 

I am stubbornly independent myself, too much at times, so I do understand.  But people really do want to help you. . .

Cheers,

Rocquie

 

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3313
Joined: May 2012

GG,

Sorry that the day-to-day issues that come with illness are racking up against you.  During cancer my wife more or less did everything, and I slept a lot; she was (is) a real blessing.  Your situation reminds me more of my post-accident situation 27 years ago.  I was single, unable to work at all (or even walk, for that matter), and rapidly becaame destitute. It was a very hard and challanging period.

During chemo my doctor perscribed (without me even asking) the anti-anxiety med Lorazepam (Atavan). It worked very welll for me, but it will make you sleepy.  I am not saying you need it, but if YOU think it might help, ask your doc about it.

Wishing you the best, and in my prayers,

max

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Everyone, 

Thankyou for the support from the bottom of my heart. I am going to call a cancer social worker today to evaluate what my needs are. I was able to get anxiety meds Rx.  Much more tolerable. I also have let some friends actually help with some things I would have put off. I am having alot of head injury blues and I think the cancer crap has just been getting mixed in with it all.

Started my second round yesterday today I go in for more tomorrow I'll get Neulasta shot. Trying to keep my smile and saturate myself in church sermons and funny stuff....All positive stuff. ♡

~GG~

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