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Partner who has lymphoma pushed me away I need advice

Newbee1
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2014

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum or if anyone can help me or not but I could really do with some advice. My partner and I began seeing each other approximately six months ago and were very happy. We fell in love shortly after meeting and had this mutual understanding that I have never really found with anyone else. Then a few months ago a lump popped up on his neck and he wasn't sure what it was. It went down after a week or so and then it popped up again so he went to the doctors. About a week later he was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma. It was a shock to both of us and that night we both cried in each other's arms it was terrible really. About a week later his attitude towards me started changing and he started pushing me away and shutting me out. It really hurt because all I wanted was to be there for him as I loved him so much. I let it go and tried to give him space as I thought that it just needed time but slowly the distance was growing and he even started sleeping most nights on the couch. To go from the extreme of being so in love to this was really difficult for me, especially for such a new relationship. He pushed me and pulled me for the last two months until last night something inside me snapped and I walked out on the relationship but I felt like I had no choice. I feel so hurt right now and I don't really know what to do with myself. I have so much guilt built up but the anxiety that I felt on a daily basis was just too much. I feel like I just wasn't strong enough and I hate so much, making this about me when it isn't. I feel selfish and just a complete mess. All I want is to be there for him but I don't think he wanted that. I don't know what to do and could do with any advice someone can give me. I still love him very much and I felt like I had met the right guy for me in such a short period of time. I have never had that. 

coachmike
Posts: 155
Joined: Oct 2011

i deeply feel sorry for you. when i had my battle with cancer having my partner was a Godsend. So it hurts to not see the same for you. I think that all you can expect from yourself is to put your support there and allow time and emotions to run its course. It is ultimately his decision as to how he responds. He is scared, confused, hurt, etc. All of which can greatly impact your mind and your decision making process. Love is patient love is kind. Rememer that. I would advise you to try to reach out to him again and put your love and support out there for him, unconditionally. At some point he will realize the need for support and care, and hopefully he will realize he can find that all in you.

Mike

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Newbee,

I agree with Mike. Relationships get weird after diagnosis.

 

I hope I don't regret this but I'm gonna be vulnerable here . My first diagnosis my partner of 9 yrs became in denial. I on the other hand got real and went threw my treatments and as soon as I had the strength I made clear what I wanted in life and he could join or not. He didn't and I moved on.

Then as I was in remission I bumped into my one and only real true love.An old friend whom I always loved. We hit it off and it was amazing.Then two years later I got diagnosed , two months ago with relapse of non-hodgkin's and he froze.He took a vacation to see his kids in a different state, I celebrated my daughter getting married, started chemotherapy and then he called. He said he doesn't know what to do or say. I said "just be here for me. Support me. "He has been threw the wringer himself and isn't good with emotional stuff. So I am giving some grace and just taking it one day at a time. I have lowered my expectations on people and make sure I don't end up devastated by a relationship. My focus is on myself and getting better. If he chooses to follow me he will. If he doesn't I won't be devastated, maybe just bummed. I want it to work out but I'm tired of waiting for other people to make a move.Life is too short why wait for something that may not come. Do what your heart sais to do. I personally have to keep moving forward to a independent, free, joyful, more substantial way of life. My white picket fence is what I make it. I am a faithful, honest,human who doesn't want to hurt just as much as the next person but my faith is now in my God . I will remain focused on him and the rest will follow if my heart is in order.

Everybody reacts different , be patient , be kind, and may you also be true to yourself. 

I wish you all the best. 

~GG~

NANCYL1
Posts: 289
Joined: Jun 2012

Newbie:

 

It is very sad and difficult, but possibly he is afraid he will be a burden on you.  I could see someone thinking that when a relationship is so new.    I hope that in time things will work out for you.

Nancy

Sten's picture
Sten
Posts: 162
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi Newbee1,

I am sorry yhat you are in this situation.

Maybe your partner's feelings are mixed. The shock from having lymphoma may have made him unable to enjoy love and to share his feelings with you, perhaps temporarily. He may also think that he does not want to be a burden on you, like NancyL1 wrote.

You can examine your feelings and see if you still want to retain this relationship. If yes, you can cautiously let him know that you are there for him when he wants you.

Sten

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  Relationships are difficult enough without cancer being in the mix.  I pretty much agree with the other posts.  He's in a tough spot dealing with this and I think both of your reactions are somewhat normal.  Hopefully time and space will improve things and you will communicate better.  If you truly love him, I'd suggest trying to be as patient as you can and be there for him when/if he's ready - not easy to do.  Lymphoma is very treatable and even curable. There are many people on this site who have been in remission for years.  I am very close to the three year mark so there is every reason to be hopeful and optimistic.   Perhaps some counselling or a support group would be helpful for the both of you? 

You are both welcome here and I hope things improve.

Hugs - Jim

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