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depression, cancer, and life.

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Depression has creeped in. I have a bunch of stuff going on and alot of changes this year but this depression just caught me off guard.  I have been non social for a few days and slept all day today.  Just couldn't wake up. I had my son bring me stuff I own from my previous home that has been packed up (thanks to my son). After atleast 4 months....after my head injury from car accident that wasn't my fault, I was ready to start setting up house in my new residence with my best friend / contractor  who insistent I move in and" no" was not an option.  Well three days ago I was going threw a box and that for some reason got wet and then sat for a long time. It happened to be my memory box. You know that little trinket a loved one gave you as a little kid, or a bunch of pictures from first grade.Or even you first baby's bib. Well it had grown black mold and everything in it was ruined. I cried with my friend who's more like my sister, I told her I understand it's just stuff but my heart hurt. This is another reason why this stupid cancer has to go. I want more memories.  I want my RV I can drive anywhere ,park anywhere ....well sorta ,and I only own the essentials.  I'm so sick of moving STUFF.Im sick of being sick. I'm so tired of being disappointed.  It's a crying shame any of us have to deal with this cancer but I'll be waiting for my remission and cancer free day.i may have a few emotional bad days but it will pass I know. I also know alot of other people have been dealing with alot worse stuff than me and I should count my blessings.  I do , but all I can think about is how many days I have left before next treatment. This stuff stinks!

Not feeling sorry for my self jus a bit irritating. 

 

GG

Sten's picture
Sten
Posts: 162
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi givingrace,

For me it makes things easier to think of my family. Caring for them and trying to keep my sprits up for their sake gives me strength. 

Sten

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

GG, that's what we're here for - feel perfectly confortable to share, vent, etc.  I have issues with depression myself.  I think what you are expereincing is normal at this point.  It's amazing how our brains protect us.  It's okay to cocoon ourselves for a little while as long as that doesn't become the norm.  It's part of processing everything.

It's normal to feel sorry for yourself - just don't wallow in it for long ;).  Probably everyone here has been there.

Your cancer free day is just around the corner!

Hugs,

Jim

Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3690
Joined: May 2012

GG,

I was diagnosed with what is now called clinical depression at 15, which is unusual at such a young age. Fifteen years later (when I was 30) (similiar to your accident), my car rolled over me after I went out of the driver window. Two years later, I could walk. 

Then two decades later, the Hodgkin's. After treatment an NP was interviewing me for intake to long-term follow up at the Oncology Center.

Part of the questions regarded mood, and I said, "I was depressed, then I got cancer."  Sort of a Rodney Dangerfield line, but true. She laughed -- it was just spontaneous, not mean spirited. I told her I perfectly understood her reaction.

Anger, depression -- all of it comes with the disease.  Continue to write, and to fight.  I see you winning this thing, and I usually guess correctly here.  I have a few new worries, and a prostate biopsy on Oct 8.  I feel like a draft animal sometime, dragging a plow, but all work is honorable, all for a purpose.

I am not depressed now, or even worried actually. I don't know why, but am just calm and totally OK with everything. You will get there !

This says it perfectly for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLfO738Ok5Y

max

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anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 772
Joined: Sep 2011

Max I will be thinking and praying for you, that the test comes back negative! Stay positive...sending you an extra special HUG! Take care

Sincerely,

Liz

amanda_christy's picture
amanda_christy
Posts: 60
Joined: Aug 2014

That was me!!!! Totally! the irony!

Was quite depressed and agoraphobic b4 cancer! cried almost every day. Even though i am down sometimes, because of treatment side effects, i dont feel like that anymore...... strange huh? i find myself questioning y i felt so bad when i had so little to worry about and so much to bee happy for!?

Good luck Max on ur prostate biopsy. Will be praying for u, with pinkies crossed 2 :-)

Christine

NANCYL1
Posts: 289
Joined: Jun 2012

GG:

I have  had some off and on depression.    Right now it is more difficult because of the Lymphoma and Cardiac Surgery, which was successful.  I have been told by a psychologist that sometimes people feel anxious/depressed post-cardiac surgery.   She also said that depression took her husband by surprise post-cardiac surgery.

And certainly, cancer is not "cheerio" stuff.

I have an appointment with a new oncologist in October and hope the cancer is still under control.

I went through most of these two disasters in a positive mood, and kinda fizzeled later.  A good deal of my problem is a lack of support.  My husband  has helped me a lot.  The rest of my family is not located nearby and does not check in very much.  I hear from my brother about once a month, which is ok, but he does not know how scared I am sometimes.   I don't really complain to the family because they "hang tough," if you know what I mean.   They were here for the cardiac surgery the end of January, however.

You have been through a lot.  And I know what you mean by wanting to sleep.  It is really an escape and also depression can sap your energy.   Do you have good support from friends and family?  I hope so.    Guess we have to force outselves to get up and out.

Nancy 

 

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

Thankyou everyone.  I sometimes have to step back and realize this stuff isn't easy and my feelings are truly normal.  I also wasn't gonna say anything but then I can't really vent to friends and family who haven't experienced this kinda trauma.  I keep forgetting I'm 5 months post head injury ,2 years post Rituxin and 1 treatment in with 5 more ahead of Rituxin, Treanda , and  Neulasta. Not to mention I still can't drive .To someone so independent it is driving me crazy :D. I feel like I got blind sided by all this stuff and all I wanna do is sell everything I own buy my RV and make my life as simple as I can. I keep getting closer to my goal I guess I gotta get threw the feelings and keep going for that day of freedom from cancer. I do have a therapist but I haven't seen for 4 months cuz I don't wanna bother anyone for a ride. I also used to be regular church goer and volunteer but I haven't been sence the car accident so i guess I will ask someone to help me get to therapy atleast, they would rather me be happy then be sad and depressed. I feel very greatful this forum is here.I am afraid of going to church or a social gathering of any kind because someone might be sick.

I will continue to press on and take each  day as it comes. I must say I do have many blessings and I am going to try and take it easy on myself. Life has been a challenge but nothing us fighters can't handle right. 

I'm sure your gonna be fine Max, can't keep a good man down right.

Nancy sounds like your husband is really great.I also think there is something to be said about fizzing out once the dust settles.I have a very loving family but in all actuality....they don't quite get it. I know they think they do but they dont.

Thanks Jim and Sten focusing on family is my driving force. I actually was my daughters help at preparing a beautiful wedding in like three weeks .Days before my first round this 2nd time.I was amazing. 

And yes Jim I won't stay here I'm already moving forward slowly. Spent most of my day messing around on computer looking at 5th wheels.  :)

Thanks for the step back in time max.It is so true.

Keep strong, keep fightin and keep winning.

~GG~

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 874
Joined: Aug 2012

I am thinking that your family, especially your children would love you to ask for their help.  I know they may not understand totally your emotions etc., but I am sure they will be there for you.  Like you say, you can vent here and put on the brave face for them when you can.  For some, I think it makes it easier for them to be helpful.  About the 5th wheel.  We are leaving in a week for 2 weeks on the Oregon coast.  We haven't taken our 5th wheel out in over a year, it is our favorite thing in the world, so it's about time.  We did some volunteer work 10 yrs. ago and lived in it for 1 1/2 years, it was truly home, we loved it.  

Hoping things get better for you,

Becky 

givingrace's picture
givingrace
Posts: 161
Joined: Nov 2012

That's awesome ! You two are going to have a blast. I have a very close close friend I really consider her as a sister who lives on the Oregon coast and I haven't seen her in way too many years and um she would love for me to get an RV and come visit her. It's such a beautiful country . I wish you two great adventure and wonderful time. I'm actually very excited for you.
yeah my plans for RV living is getting closer .someone had brought to my attention that this is actually been a goal for me for the last 15 years I didn't even realize I had been talking about it that long.Big house, small house...None of my previous living has ever been as exciting to me as this. My daughter just informed me she will be staying with me for a year till she follows her husband in the military. So now it's a double treat.She is just like me when it comes to adventure, camping, fishing, or just being on the road.
My kids are so eager to help when I have asked for it so I need to keep remembering that they're always ready and willing and with a happy heart too.yes it may help them in a sense . I suppose life may have a bit of cancer in it but life can still be extremely full and free.Just gotta keep strong right.And keep centered .

~GG~

Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 3690
Joined: May 2012

You must have a nice dualie, Becky (??).  After my wreck in 86, in ICU, I promised myself that if I got well I would buy a Harley and wander the nation for a year or so, with no map and no plan. Well, I never did, but getting well is what mattered anyway.

I hope the trip is a blast.

max

amanda_christy's picture
amanda_christy
Posts: 60
Joined: Aug 2014

Hang in there Nancy! My heart goes out to u.

My husband is so supportive but i wish he didnt hav to do it alone. Strange that ppl (some family and all of my 'friends') tell me they r thinking of me! (WAT IS THAT!?) some of them live less than 5km away and can't be bothered to pop in? Yet they see each other all the time! Do i hav the plague? Shocking and hurtful! I have a brother call to say it will be over in no time and he is glad its hopefully curable, then nothing in 2months! Kind of like; get over it then come talk to us.

My oldest sister called to talk about her daughter's vitamin deficiency a day b4 i was to hav chemo. I was interested and asked a few questions and said i was glad she was ok. I mentioned chemo to my sister and she went quiet for 5 seconds then started talking about her daughter again!!!! She did that a few times and i ust gav up....

One friend i complained to told me to "get over myself!" Brilliant!

Im mostly positive and happy but wat they've done hurts so much! Im sorry but i have to say it; they've made it worse!!! The only pain i feel over having cancer is how ive been treated by 'loved ones'. Maybe it me and im taking it out on others but i think ppl hear cancer and run a million miles.

My mum and one of my sisters has been lovely and doing everything they can so i am greatful for that! :-) They r really sweet but i can only visit once a fortnight and i dont want my mum around when im at my worse cuz i dont want to hurt her.

Sorry! lolz ive been blathering on about me! oops

Take care Nancy and good luck with ur new onc. Praying for great news for u. U deserve it, we all do. :-D

Christine

 

 

 

Anonymous user (not verified)

i owned a pickup camper when I was early 20's. It was very small but sat on a 2-wheel drive 72 chevy pickup. I drove it all the way to Alaska and back on a 3-month trip to clear my head after a rough 13-months in Asia. It works! Great therapy. Thats the only one I have had but I have rented in Alaska, Australia and South Africa. I just spend too much time in hotels. the RV idea is great! If it were me I would consider getting a good used off-road SUV (4-runner?) and a smaller hard shell camper with big wheels so it can cross creeks and go semi-off-road. I look forward to the stories of your adventures! Great times ahead!

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 772
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi GG,

You have been through a lot and it's ok to feel the way you do! Like everyone else probably mentioned, I think we all went through some kind of depression during our fight with cancer. I did after a few months of my dx, I started really strong but my spirits went down after my health went downhill. I did see a therapist but quit after a month :)  then I started feeling better after my treatment started and got my hope again! Another thing that helped me was joining this group...they we're actually better than the therapist lol! Hope you feel better soon, take care (((Hugs)))

Sincerely,

Liz

amanda_christy's picture
amanda_christy
Posts: 60
Joined: Aug 2014

I know it must be hard for u to dump on ur family and friends thats y its so great to hav a forum where u can share and everyone understands. U dont need to feel guilty for being depressing. U dont need to defend having a rough day or week or month or year.... Its about u! Uve been through so much and i do think of ur struggle often.

Hang in there! We are survivors and fighters. :-)

Praying for u to beat this!!!

xx Christine

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 874
Joined: Aug 2012

I'm sorry for your lack of support.  I understand what you mean.  I find that most times when people ask about Bill and I try to explain, I can see in their eyes right away that they are not interested in the least.  I don't know what it is, I find the exact opposite, when I ask how others are doing I really want to know and they just say"fine" and no more.  I don't get it either but I guess most people mainly are bogged down with their own problems and something like cancer is so foreign to them until they are touched by it.  That is why this group is so comforting and unique, we all really do care.  So hang in there and know we are always here.

Becky

Jeff148's picture
Jeff148
Posts: 184
Joined: Apr 2014

With what we all are going through, it is easy to fall into some state of depression. The key is not staying there too long. Change the scenery if possible when you feel you are getting stagnant. For me, that was taking a walk or fishing. Fishing took my mind off the cancer. During the walks I would force myself to think of all the positives that I've been through and am planning to go through. If that didn't work, I would watch my favorite comedian, Brian Regan. Laughter is great medicine. Surround yourself with good music too. Know that many are praying for you!!! I have a prayer list with your name on it and I will be praying for God to give you peace. Read Phillipian 4:6-7 

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