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Mom giving up!

Aashaki's picture
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2011

Well, it's been a very long road for my mom and our family. She was dignosed 6 years ago with stage 4 NSCLC. Did the 30 days chest/ brain radiation and the first round of chemo. However, her body rejected the chemo and ended up with blood transfusions.  We ended up taking her to a new oncologist and that's where the brain mets continued to grow. Gamma knife was done about a year and half ago. Well, her six month mark showed several in the brain with one growing very rapidly. She elected to have the surgery to remove the tumor. Surgery went good and now here we are nine months later! Sorry just a quick summery so, you all know alil bit about the past six years.

Anyways, now she has roughly 11 knots on her head most near the scar from the brain surgery. A few on the left temple area and some on her elbow and fingers. They also found a cancer nodule on the back of the tounge/throat area. Needless to say it's spreading very fast. Mom said she's done fighting and refuses any more treatments. 

A 3 weeks ago she went on hospice after she had several mini strokes. She has many different symptoms ranging from slurred speech, off balance or falls, can't see kinda like black outs, heart pulpatations, numb arms/fingers, confusion,she doesn't want to eat much any more. She had a bigger stroke a few nights ago where she stopped breathing 3 times and she's just not the same. Each time she has one she gets worse. She tells me she's scared to lay down to sleep afraid she won't wake up. Then about 5 mins later she tells me she's scared of dying. (I hugged her told her I loved her then went and cried).

This is the hardest thing in the world to sit and watch. (I'm her caregiver and yes, I'm keeping her at home) I know I've known for six years it would come to this but, I'm honestly not ready, just not ready!  I see her struggling and this disease still trying to run it's horriale course and nothing I can do other than medicate her to keep her comfortable. 

Sorry for blabbing  and thank you in advance for listening. Just needed to vent!

Posts: 844
Joined: Mar 2011

My heart goes out to you. I've sat there before with my mom and was with her when she drew her last breath.  Thank you for what you are doing right now.  Try playing some soft music it may help calm the fear.  If they haven't already given her a bolus for pain meds, you might ask about them.  As her body's need for 02 lessens her breathing will be more interrupted.  Do get some rest yourself.    

Vent away.  No one should have to go through what the two of you are experiencing now.  

Posts: 773
Joined: Apr 2012

I know how hard this is.  I watched my mother die 10 years ago, but thankfully she slipped into a coma the last 5 days so she didn't know what was going on.  Now I'm watching my husband and life partner of 54 years slowly die with this horrible cancer.  I deal with it on a daily basis and watch as his confusion grows and strength leaves his body.  He has been on in-home hospice for a year.  No one expected him to last this long.

My prayers and thoughts for you and your mother -- Sharon

Aashaki's picture
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you all for the kind words!!!!

Yes, hospice has her on pain meds and steroids for the brain swelling. As of now I only have them coming in two days a week and of the rest on my own.  Just every stroke she has she gets worse. Today, she can't even get up on her own and while eating dinner she passes out. You ask if she's okay and you get the confused look as if she never knew she dosed off. But, this week may have them come more as my daughter has surgery Friday to remove her thyroid as the surgeon belives it has cancer cells in it. And has grown from a 5x6 mm to 1 cm in three  months where he's concerned.

Then you have my sibling who sorry but, is useless. Lives out of state only calls if he needs something. Needless to say we aurgueed lastnight. I told him I wished one day he woyld wake up and see every thing I'm doing and realize how hard it is....A full time job, four children, and caring for my dying mother! His response was I wish you could see how much I'm struggling....haha he works, has a wife that cares for his kids, cleans house whos a full time stay at home wife! OMG he has it just do bad. He's not even the one here watching every step of this disease and what it's doing to our mother. Really how selfish can one person be?!? I strongly believe in karma! The way you treat and care for others comes around when it's your turn you'll be blessed!

Hands down to those of you that have been through this or going through this as I am.... Hardest thing ever!

Have a blessed evening!

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