CSN Login
Members Online: 9

You are here

A Small Celebration and Fear

TheLadySkye's picture
TheLadySkye
Posts: 195
Joined: Oct 2013

I had my last of 12 FOLFOX treatments this week and was just disconnected from the take home chemo.  The CT scan I had four weeks ago still shows NED.  I feel like this should be a time for celebration, yet instead I find myself feeling sad and worried about what comes next, scared about possible recurrence, and all the other things that like to hide in dark corners of one's mind.  If anyone has any thoughts or words of encouragement and hope to take moving forward, I sure would appreciate it.  Your support has been invaluable during this challenging time.

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 700
Joined: Mar 2012

LadySkye,

When I finished chemo - I was like ok what now?  Then I was consumed with toughts of reoccurance.......after that insanity I decided that cancer took enough from me.  I was going to keep myself very healthy (eating organic, gym 3xweek and so on) .  I hade blood tests every 3 months and CT's every 6 months and colonoscopy each year.  All subsequent tests have been great.  A few minor issues, small polyp (non-cancer) found and removed.

My Onc said to me at the last chemo visit - just go and live your life now, you will see me every few months and we will monitor you like crazy.  I am NED almost 2.5 years now.  I cannot believe how fast this has gone.

I totally remember the fear you describe - I had many, many, many sleepless nights.  It will and does get better.  I also re-priortized my life around what I want and need to do.  That was mind-blowing.

Forgot to mention my "cancer box" also.  In it I have the empty vials for all meds taken, all hospital bracelets, all cards from people.  It is in my closet and every once in a while I open it, look through everything and realilize that I have gone through a tough journey and made it.  I can now live, really live!

You will get alot of posts on this as everyone has a unique experience when chemo is done. If you need to have an upsetting day - let yourself have it!

carrieh's picture
carrieh
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2012

Hi,

I think everyone goes through that 'fear' about what might happen. Could it come back? Now that I made it, how is my life going to be? If you didn't worry about those things, you would be the first person I've ever known! I think it's important to be very AWARE of what could happen and to keep it in our thoughts, but at the same time, I think that we have to realzie that often...all of the things we worry about in life don't even come true. We just wasted our time, energy, day, moments we could have been laughing and loving with worrying. For me, I don't want..nor will I let..cancer take my happy moments!

You are perfectly allowed to feel anything you're feeling. You're allowed to worry or not worry. It seems to me that everyone does everything in their own time and the way that works for them, so if you need to...get your worries out here. Sometimes I think my posts are just rambles, but everyone here is here because they care. Everyone supports each other. So just let those worries out! Maybe if you get them out of your head, they won't be so overwhelming? I pretend that I have rooms in my mind. There are boxes and boxes in the rooms. Each box is for something different. I put my worries about cancer in that box and I close the lid tight. When I want to or need to I open that box and think about those things. Other than that I just live my life. Visualization helps me a lot. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know...but I say do what works for you...do what makes you happy and puts your fears at ease.

Carrie

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Your feelings are normal. I think everyone experiences those feelings. Its hard to go from constant attention from nurses and doctors and actively fighting to being on your own. Life as you knew it drastically changed for the past 6 to 8 months and now you are expected to resume your life as if nothing happened.

Subscribe to Comments for "A Small Celebration and Fear"