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CT Scan tomorrow

LOUSWIFT
Posts: 372
Joined: Aug 2006

Well tomorrow another CT/scan . I get them about every three months. Turns out about nine months ago after an interval of a year showed two "lesions" one about 3/4 and the other about 1/2 inch in size. So oncologist ordered an MRI followed by a ultra sound and then a ultra sound with a biopsy. CT/scan; MRI; unltra sound showed the two lesions on opposite sides of liver.. So I get sent in for a biopsy using a another ultra sound. Twice now when the biopsy was attempted they couldn't find any lesons so they couldn't do the biopsys. My CEA is less than one and the tumor marker is normal. Even though my CEA has always been a perfect indicated for cancer for me (three times I've had cancer). Still my oncologist thinks I have cancer so off to a Pet scan which didn't light up anything. So tomorrow off to another CT/scan. By the way CT/scans have been wrong more than right.  The "lesions" could be cancer I guess or some type of smething else. My oncologist thinks cancer because the lesions have gotten slightly bigger and I have chemo-induced chirrohsis it must be cancer. So why am I so nervous about tomorrow? I know I've been "lucky" to have lived ten years after my first diagnosis and the start of repeated damage to me physically and socially with my wife and family. Obviously, there are varying degrees of luck. I mkean I'm tethered to any bathroom; wear adult diapers; forget going to family or sport events; pain pills for the pain in my legs and fingers which without I can not sleep; diuretics for the damaged liver leaking ascites; muscle damage so extensive that I had months of physical therapy just to learn to walk about 30 yards and the information that the muscle and nerve damage in my legs prevents me from getting stronger; ambutation of a large toe due to infection because I cut the toe and didn't know it because I have very limited feeling in my feet and legs. Just recently, I got feed up with my wife riding for hours in the car and never saying a word. She informed me I had destroyed our marriage of nearly forty years by using her as a friend to lean on when death looked very real. She said she's fed up with my problems and doesn't want me to speak with her about my problems or the possibility of death. I thought I was trying to be a good husband and father by setting up everything from the funeral to our finances. She informed me she will stay married to me but that where it ends. Now the tests start tomorrow and I don't have a partner to help me through everything from transport to a shoulder to lean upon. So I guess my fear is based on being alone. Maybe this time I won't be "lucky" and cancer is back. I'm at a lost on how to proceed. Well thanks for listening trying not to get angry or depressed. Best of health to all of you....Lou

RobinKaye
Posts: 93
Joined: Nov 2011

Sorry Lou for being brazen but your wife sounds like a self absorbed narcissist. Looks like she didn't quite comprehend the part about sickness, health, better and for worse part when she took her marriage vows. It's all about her. 

I've often felt bad for you when reading your posts.  I don't know how old your children are but is there anyone else to lean on to get through this?  Is there a counselor, pastor, friend or someone you can talk too? Abuse comes in many forms, I believe this is quite close. Your wife doesn't deserve you.

I wish you the best and hope I didn't offend. 

 

Robin

LOUSWIFT
Posts: 372
Joined: Aug 2006

I went in for my CT scan about 3 pm. The tech started by putting in an IV and getting blood all over me and the chair. The IV is so they can induce conrast and better see what's going on mostly in my case in the liver. I got home and went outside on the deck for a few hours to do some worrying and to think what I needed to accomplish if the news is bad on Thursday when I see the Oncologust. Here where I really upgraded my worry. I came inside and my oncologist staff had been calling according to missed calls. Their office was closed by the time I called back. I figure it's one of two things. First they need to change my appointment on Thursday or something lit up and they need to schedule me asap to do an MRI or some other test. I know it's paranoia since it's unlikely in just over two hours a radiologist read the CT and got hold of my oncologist. My "wife" gave me some encouragement by saying it was likely the latter cancer. No I didn't involve her she saw the missed calls. I've decided that regardless of the outcome good or bad I'm going to fight it again just for the annoyance of my wife. My kids are grown but one lives out of State and the other living a hundred miles away with her own family for whom to care. She is a teacher so she works every week day so it all falls to me. Most of my friends are gone. I have met every medical challege to keep me alive and all the damage. I'll just have to learn to deal with problems my wife used to occasionally help me. I'm not lying down for anyone if it is the best way. I am sick of being sick; the pain; and my continuing inability to be the man I once was not so long ago. Thank You all for responding it helped a lot. Lou

P.S. I haven't spoken to a priest for many years. When it appeared I wasn't gong to make it through my first bout with cancer and barely could walk. My dauyghter wanted to get married in our parrish of 30 years. I had been given about 4 months and wanted to walk my daughter down the isle. But he required 6 months of instruction before allowing the marriage in our church. He was aware there was a good chance I could die and since they had done 4 months in counseling they begged for a waiver. He refused. We had the wedding in a non-denominational church and with some help I was able to walk my daughter down the isle. I don't think the priest and I would have a constructive conversation. 

carrieh's picture
carrieh
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2012

Hi lou,

You sound a bit fiestier todayLaughing I was thinking about you this morning. My friend came over and we said a little prayer for you. You've been through it and back again, but if you can go through all that; my goodness, you give me so much hope!

Something that helps me with worry, my mother taught me to do. You write down everything you think might happen in a situation. Everything you're worrying about, just making yourself sick over. After that problem has been resolved, you go back and look. Most of the time, all the things on that list don't even happen. After doing that a few times, I realized that worry just takes away from the happiness of the moment. Half the time, I worried over stuff that never came true. Cancer can be scary and it can be almost impossible not to worry; but don't let it take a minute from your happiness that you don't want it too! That's your time! Cancer gets enough of your time and attention!! Well, that's how I feel anyway. Don't mean to be bossy. I guess I'm feeling fiesty today tooLaughing Wishing you a happy day, hope theres some sunshine where you're at. I'm going to go on a walk to the end of the road and find some wildflowers for the table...Do you have any hobbies that you're able to enjoy? Just curious. Being outside in the fresh air and sunshine cheers me a lot. I garden even when I feel bad. It's easy for me to get down but sometimes hard to get up. I must look pretty funny sometimes rolling onto my knees and getting momentum for the 'stand' but sometimes it makes me laugh; laughter really is some of the best medicine. The way I look at it; might as well smile and have fun..cuz odds are good that cancer will still be waiting for me tommorrow, or the next time I go to treatment etc.. so time away from the doctor is for me.

Hugs, Carrie

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5489
Joined: Jan 2013

Your post breaks my heart.

It sounds like you have been 'alone' for a whiie, if you wife has treated you with such disrespect. 

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything beter. I can help with advice about scans and scansiety, but I can't help with advice about your relationship, other than to say (and this is just my personal feelings) that you'd be better off alone than with a woman who talks and treats you in such a cold, calculated manner. 

You know we are here for you, but I realize that doesn't really fill the need to have someone by your side. 

I pray that you find someone who can help you. Is there a cancer support group anywhere close by? Do you have a special friend or relative who you can confide in. Oh, I so hope that you can find someone who can love you through this cancer. You have done so well to stay alive, living with the awful results of treatment, I hate to see you suffer emotionally on top of all of that. 

Keep coming here, I know we'll all rally around you, while praying (or sending good vibes) that you find someone who can help you offline. 

Blessings!

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 1240
Joined: Jun 2013

This illness puts stress on the individual and the relationships and there is only so much you can do. During my short cancer history (compared to yours) I payed special attention to my marriage and other important relationship, because I knew how important those are. But I would lie if once in a while we didn't feel the toll cancer out on us. I paid attention to my wife and I told her to never treat me as a patient and always treat me like a man even when that silly hospital gown was on me and 4 tubes hanging out of me. I hept myself up and my head high even in the most difficult moments. We are the toughest people on Earth and we should always be proud of that. Napoleon said: I'm an emperor even in my underwear.

I have the highest respect for you and the best of luck to you.

Laz

Ps. With all the respect. If the wife keeps acting silly, spend your money on yourself and have fun anyway.

carrieh's picture
carrieh
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2012

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your story strikes a nerve with me. Radiation damaged my intestines so much that Ive had a colostomy, ileostomy, back to a colostomy...leaked so much that I couldn't go anywhere, went so much that I had to have an IV, take tons of pills, legs and feet cramped and went numb from nutrient deficiency...on and on. When I was in the hospital they put me on Lomotil. Didn't work at all. I tried it two years later...about a month ago and it works sometimes. I feel so much better. There are days I feel like a human being again. Other days Im not so great. I don't know if this is any comfort to you, but you didn't do anything wrong. You did your best with your wife. Sometimes people can't deal with sickness; it's like it makes them feel less alive themselves or something. Gosh, I don't know your wife of course, but sometimes people can be just plain old selfish too. Just don't feel like it's your fault. I know that you don't want to do this alone and it's scary not having someone to lean on and help you when you're sick. Don't give up. You've made it through so much. I don't post a lot but I read what other people say and you help the people here. I'm practically a kid. I was scared to death when I found out I had cancer at 32 (ok maybe a kid at heart), but reading stories about people like you who have made it ten years helps me conquer my fears. So thank you. I'm with you in spirit; if that counts for anything.

Hugs,

carrie

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