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my mom has metastatic lung cancer and she's decided she hates me

Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2014


This is my first post. My mom was just diagnosed with very aggressive metastatic lung cancer. They found multiple diffuse brain tumors after a seizure 3 weeks ago. Before that she was healthy. She just turned 60 in the end of January. I've been sensing that she's been acting off for months already. At one point I actually asked her if she was sick because she was acting just so unlike herself. The problem is I am the only one who noticed it and no one in my family believes me. She makes excuses that I've just been annoying. So, the first week and a half (it's only been 3 weeks), she wanted me at every appointment and I took notes and doctors gave me their cards and cell phone numbers, not her, and she wanted that.

Then last Saturday night she had a very scary episode, perhaps it was the steroids, the oxycodone and the brain tumors combined, but she said awful hateful things to me. She said she's resented me since I was a child and she doesn't love me. I stayed with her that night and at 3am she called me on my cell phone from the next room and said, "room service, I'd like applesauce and cheerios." I got up a bit disoriented and looked all around for applesauce. I told her I found yogurt and cheerios but she then came out of her room cursing at me and saying the most horrid things a child (even an adult) can hear from their mother. She said I make everything worse and have always been a burden and an albatross and she wishes I was never born. She then threw the applesauce at me, which she found and told me was in every other place in her apartment. I was terrified.

Since then she has banned her doctors from speaking to me about her treatment and has not spoken to me in a week. I think this is the longest we've even gone without communicating. My friends and therapist believe me, but my family and my mom's partner think I must have done something to precipitate all of this, since she seems to be acting normally with them. I am her daughter and know her best, yet it seems I have already lost her. I don't know what to do! Please help! How do I convince my family that it is her, not me? And how do I get my mom to be my mom again before she dies?


Thanks so much!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry that you and your mother are going through this. With the meds and brain tumors, you can't take what she says as really her speaking. She may feel most comfortable with you and doesn't filter what she is saying. She may be trying to make her illness less stressful by pushing you away. Who knows? Listen to your therapist. What others think is really not important. Try to give your mother space. Let others care for her in the middle of the night and attend doctor appointments. I know this is hard. You want to be there for her. Right now, though, you need to be there for yourself. She may never be the mom she was, but you can remember that mom. Whatever happens, you will always have that. Cancer changes people whether it is from the stress, the meds, or whatever. Hang in there. Hopefully, things will get better. 

soul-mate's picture
Posts: 82
Joined: Feb 2014

It think you have covered her concerns very well. I think taking care of hersself now is of the utmost importance. Deep down her mother loves her very much but as you said meds and condition comes into play. Time to pass the torch to partner and family so respite as a caregiver will bring harmony and happiness and shed a new light to this stressful situation . I can only send best wishes for her journey and a positive outcome.


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