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Please-Please help...

Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2014

I said a silent thank you prayer when I found this discussion board tonight. I am in desperate need of honest and humble advice. :)

Here goes the basics:

My mom and dad moved from Florida to Illinois 11 years ago. I followed behind being just 18. I have now been in Illinois for 10 years. I have an extremely close relationship with both of my parents. Like extremely close. In the span of my ten long years here I have two children ages 5 and 1 and 1/2 and I am happily married. I have a sister in Tennessee. So the story sounds grand thus far, here is where the ball really drops:

My mother is 54 years old and was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer in April of 2013. The moment we found out I felt as though I could not ever breathe again. Well I did and still am :) It has been a very long and hard road. I alongside my father have taken care of my mom. We fought using chemothearpy and the cancer re-appeared in less then a month. We began another round of chemothearpy and just recievecd her latest scan. The cancer is there, better but there. They want to begin chemothearpy again week after next, this time five days a week every four weeks. Thats where we are with her........ :(

Now to the dilehma:

Please-Please anyone who takes the time to read this, remind urself I am a humble person who loves her parents very much. I am extremely unhappy living in Illinois, I hated it the moment I got here. I just could not bare to leave my parents behind, so I stayed and I stayed and I stayed. Do not get me wrong I count my blessings every day I could not be any happier with what Illinois gave me but I am so unhappy here. My son is from a different man I was in a long time relationship with and he passed away this year from a drug overdose. As you cna probably tell not our finest year. Illinois feels like a death sentence to me emotionally. My husband and I decided a month ago we were ready to take the leap and make the move to Tennessee. My sister is ready to help me the hubby and our two kids adjust to school, work, etc... 

Well we got my moms sans a week ago, the scan at the bottom of paragraph 2. The cancer needs more treatment, my mom is ready and willing to proceed and I am in limbo. Do I go or do I stay??

Posts: 844
Joined: Mar 2011

There are some hard questions you are going to have to ask yourself. 

 Will your dad need help managing your mom's medical care and the household?   Will be need additional help and is there other family there that can help him if he needs it or needs respite care?  Will you be able to travel back and forth often enough to satisfy your need to see her?  

Does your husband or son have a job waiting for them there that requires they be there on a deadline?  You?  Will your sister be willing to extend herself in the future?  Have you committed to a house or apartment there?  

There are sclc living with this as a chronic condition for a period of 6-8 years.  How good are your moms chances of fitting in to this category?  She is young so that works in her favor.  The healthier she was going into this the better her chances (other than the cancer).  Does she have other chronic conditions?  Has she had pci or WBR?  What steps is she taking to care for herself?  

How will you feel if your mom doesn't survive long with the second round?  Would they want to come with you and have treatment in TN where they have you and your sister?  

It is understandable that you are torn, inside you you know that only you can make this decision.  It certainly is a difficult one.  

Tim'swifeshelia's picture
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2014

What a difficult decision for you and your family. May God help you along your way. please know in your heart of hearts that your mom wants what is best for you and your family. If that means moving then so be it. Just remember that you will have to look back at this time and say "I did the very best that I could for my mom" and you'll have to accept and live with whatever decision you make. If you choose to stay part of you will continue to be unhappy with your lifestyle where you are but the other part will understand your primary purpose For staying. And if you leave you will always have guilt for going. Or not- if you can accept it was the right thing to do. Whatever you choose remember always that your Mom would support you no matter what. Good luck and God bless. 

Posts: 47
Joined: Sep 2013

I can only speak from my personal experience with regards to parents and siblings. Granted my situation was vastly different. Before my mom passed away my brother and both of my sisters had a very strained relationship with our mom. WAY too long a story to go into. Anyways, I had not spoke to my brother in over a year from a falling out we had over our mom. My sisters were not speaking to our mom either, but it had been less then a year. I was soley taking care of her for about a year before she passed. The day she passed I had to call my brother and break the news to him and my other sisters who had not spoken to her in months. I was super close to my mom too. I have ZERO regrets sticking it out to take care of her.

  She took care of me as I was a sick kid. Had health issues as a kid. I felt it was what I was suposed to do for my mom. My brother and I have since reconsiled. Both my brother and one sister have said they feel soooo guilty for not working things out with mom. They have both thanked me for being there for here in that last year + taking care of her. Man that last year was HARD seeing her deteriorate to 70lbs like she did. She dies at that weight. I got the call from the elderly care center that she had passed. I felt I had to go see her, to say I love you mom one last time. I sat with her and held her hand and petted her forhead. She was already gone, but it was what I needed. I lost the only person who looked out for me my entire life. It was THE right thing to do I felt.


  I always said the only thing keeping me in Calif. in my mom. My dad died less then a year before my mom. Totally different situation. He has a horrible man. I loved my dad but he was a rotten person. Tried to kill my mom more then once. My sisters from my dads first marriage cut me off the day my dad died. They refused to speak to me. They never accepted me since my dad left their mom for my mom. So that day my dad passed at my sisters house, I drove 3 hours to her house. Our dad body had already beed taken away. Both my sisters told me to leave and never come back. They said, "OUR dad is gone, you have no reason to come here anymore". I never got to see me dad again. And I lost three sisters who I though I was good with. Maybe not real close but I knew them since I was a child. 


  I'd say stay till she's gone, just to not have to live with the regret, like my brother ans sisters have to. I can tell you my one sister is all screwed up in the head over it. It may hurt your dad too to up and move. He'll be all on his own to take care of her if your sis doesn't help out. Your mom took care of you, raised you. I feel a child owes it to their parents if they have been good parents. My mom was so I did without question, because it's the right thing to do. My dad was not, and I don't know how I would have handled that had he needed live in help. But I didn't have to, my sister from his first marriage did sort of. My dasd lived in his dumpy 30 ft trailer out back of her property she bought with dads money. Before he died he agreed to live in the house. He only did a week or so before he died.


  Tough decision I would not want to have to make. God bless you in what ever you choose. I will just say, seriously consider the burden it's going to put on you dad. And if he gets sick then what? how is his health?  

Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2014

I can not express my appreciation to all of you for taking time to read my story and also for being emphatetic. After a very hard and long deliberation, I am going to stay here for my mom and my dad. They have ALWAYS been there for me and I want to be there for them. For now my wants are to the side and I am focusing on being there for them. I am happy with my decision. My husband supports me and I am thankful for that. We still have a long road ahead of us and I am praying for strength for both me and my dad as we contunie on with this horrible disesase that has infected a woman I never thought would be. Again thank you all so much.

jkeech's picture
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2014

My husband 59 was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with 2 brain mets in May 2013. It has been a nightmare as you know. He had stereotactic radio therapy on his lung and the brain tumor and his lung tumor was 2.2 cm and has shrunk to1.7 and the tumor on his brain has also shrunk. It is also called gamma knife maybe you could ask about this it is only 5 treatment and shrinks over the next 3 months. I hope this will help your mom. I wish your family happines.

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