"Slowly Learning to Live with the Physical Pain of Cancer"
Note: I need to talk here and this could be one of my last chances to write a good post. Thanks for listening.
What does it feel like when the body starts dying?
I’ve asked myself that question the past several months as I’m battling my 4th recurrence. There are times where I feel like my body feels like it is physically dying some days.
Some days I’ve been better than the next or the preceding day. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. What seems to have gotten to me the most is the PAIN from the lung pleura. This is the worst place to get it in the lung it seems. There is a lot of associated pain in there and surgically it is a real challenge to operate. It’s all about location.
Even with the pain medication, I’m having a hard time writing to you today. I have a high tolerance to pain meds so I’ve done well with staying with it and such…but as the doses go up, I can feel myself waning.
Appetite is good some days, others not so much. It’s so hard to keep a balance on everything. There are days lately when I just want to give in and wish I would just blow away (without the pain that must come with it).
It’s so hard being in pain 24/7…and my onc said it’s hard to eradicate all the pain. I know this. It seems you either have to be dead or comatose….neither good choices.
Cancer can turn so quickly….missing those treatments to try and go on that failed trip was good in the fact that I lived through the appendix fiasco….but it set me back on treatment. Who knows what was right or wrong there.
I’m in so much pain, it’s hard to care about that anymore.
Ann said it good the other day….the pain makes it hard to “hear” anything. I know what she means.
It’s just hard to live like this….and you know in your heart it is going to get progressively worse. Sometimes, you just wish you could flip the switch yourself to end the suffering. It is amazing how quickly things can change in the cancer world.
I’ve heard it asked here before if cancer hurts?
Yes, it can. Mine just feels like there is less wiggle room to breathe and find any kind of relief. It’s hard to stand for long or sit down….and my favorite…lay down.
I get upset when the body begins to fail us….when we begin to lose the control to have control of ourselves. You have to fight the pain to make your appts. One day, I was in the appendix guy’s waiting room and hurt so bad, I couldn’t sit up. There we people all around and you’re trying to put on the brave face but you know people are noticing you hurting.
Walk out of the hospital doors and there is another life going on out there…..one you had…and lost.
You know what’s funny?
About 4-months I was doing (or thought I was) pretty good. No sign of cancer….I was on no medication but a Zytrtec tablet for allergies. I was writing at my highest level…..about to get an article published….and felt like I was helping people really good.
And then the rug came out from under me…
Now, I don’t know where I’m headed or how long it will take. Part of me wants to go….part of me wants to stay…..but not like this indefinitely. It’s painful watching it slip away. I’m still ‘good’ but bad at the same time.
I guess I’m just scared about the future now….really for the 1st time.
I was too naïve before….now I just know too much….but on the other hand, not enough.
I’m sorry I can’t be with you more….I often wonder how much more I’ll be able to participate unless we turn a corner in the relief department. There’s gotta be something.
Just know I love you….I miss you….and I have not forsaken you. I’m just having a hard time these days doing.
We’ll hope treatment buys me some more time….or even works.
It’s all scary stuff.
It’s true what they said…..”When you got your health – you got it all.”
I’ve got to go now….it took me a couple of passes just to write this dribble.
I'll summzarize by just saying that I'm trying to find a way to live with the pain of cancer.....and it (ain't) easy after all.
I'm still 4-months behind my boy,Phil.....but now I wonder for how much longer.
Gotta' go lay down again folks.....sorry this was not a better post.....but it is a snapshot of what I'm dealing with....maybe it will help someone down the road. I'll keep trying. Chemo has been rescheduled for this upcoming Friday.
Best of luck and wishes to everyone out there!
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