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A good read for anyone touched by cancer...

Posts: 839
Joined: May 2013

I copied this from a FB site dedicated to Oral Cancer Survivors...


It's long, but a great read.  Puts a lot of feelings into words.


...............Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will. 

You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it. 

You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand. 

The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this. 

The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive. 

Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable. 

You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever. 

You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking. 

When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again. 

I was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 27. Now 28, I have been told I have no trace of the disease in my body. 

-Jeff Tomczek

CivilMatt's picture
Posts: 4552
Joined: May 2012


I read the whole thing and saw myself and other H&N members in his words.  I was able to check-off most of his observations as applicable.  Other than the personal introspective, the one where others don’t “get it” about having cancer, resonates with me.

Take care,


Mikemetz's picture
Posts: 403
Joined: Nov 2011

For a lot of reasons I have not been here for a while, but the first two posts that caught my eye was this one and the one about expectations for cancer survivors.  I think that Jeff has it much more right than the other way of looking at it.  First, no one chooses to get cancer.  Even if someone takes up some lifestyle habits that can contribute to this disease, no one raises their hands when asked "OK, who wants this shitty disease" and then says, "thank you" for having it.  But once we know we have it, in whatever form or severity, the rest of how we handle it is our choice.  The same goes for being a survivor, if someone is fortunate enough to get there--how we handle the new-normal of life as a cancer survivor is a choice--not some law that is laid down in front of us to follow.  So, choose to be grateful and positive as a survivor, or choose to be negative and mourn for the parts of your life that you will never get back--just remember that each path is a choice that YOU make, not something that cancer forced on you any more than a number of other life-changing events would have done, too.

I have my "moments" as well, but on balance, my life as a cancer survivor is a whole lot better than the alternative, so I choose to get out of bed every day, put both feet on the floor, and get on with my life.

As Jeff says, life will never be the same after a HNC diagnosis, but you don't get to ask the dealer, "I don't like these cards--can I get a re-deal?"  You choose to play the cards you are dealt the best you can.



spector551's picture
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 2013

Mike, you are spot on, my friend.


God bless,



cureitall66's picture
Posts: 912
Joined: Aug 2012

Nice story and great inspiration for warriors and caregivers alike. Thank you for sharing this with us. I will certainly keep a copy of this to remind myself as a caregiver, and my beloved warrior....and anyone that crosses our path with the "c".

God Bless,


fishmanpa's picture
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jan 2013

This resonated deep with me and gave me chills reading it. Probably shouldn't have as it took me back to that place :(  What gets me is that I know I've been "healed" but not "cured"... there's a difference. 


Posts: 839
Joined: May 2013

for me but SO honest on a lot of levels.  I cried reading it.  It summed up how I feel about a lot of things. 

olybee's picture
Posts: 82
Joined: Jun 2011

for being so honest and articulate.  I couldn't help but see a lot of similarities in all of the things I've read at this site over the years, and yet you said it so poignantly and no punches held back.

Thanks for sharing, and now I'l try not to cry!

Posts: 839
Joined: May 2013

it from a page on FB.  I agree with all he said, though.  I'm so glad that many of you enjoyed it, too :)

Duggie88's picture
Posts: 707
Joined: Feb 2010

I read this on another site and thought WOW he swung the hammer and hit the nail on the head.

Tracy, glad you reposted here. Good luck on the move.


josh r.
Posts: 252
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi Tracy,

Thank you for sharing Jeff's thoughts and observations. I am in awe of his ability to voice so clearly and concisely what I, and I would guess, others of us have felt and gone through. All the best to all of us, josh r.


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