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Feeling lost and dont know what to do and whats to come!!!

blook's picture
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2013

I have been taking care of a elderly couple for the past 9 years. The elderly man (84) past Aug 2012. I was with him until the end.

The elderly lady is 78 and find out a month after she has nsclc stage 2a ( Oct 2012). They wouldn't remove it. They did the weakest chemo and radiation they have. They wanted her to do it for 9 weeks but she only had 3 weeks. It almost killed her. In may 2013 ( the last time she would go to the dr) she had a fractured in her spine. 

She smoke 2 packs a day and is still smoking the same. She lives on 2 or 3 cookies and potatoes chips a day. She was 134 pd ad years ago and now 98 pd. 2 weeks ago it was 94 pds. She has pain in her right shoulder and down her arm. In the last 4 or 5 months memory is very bad. She is showing sign of alzheimer and/or dementia. She feel bad all time. 

I can't get she to eat or go to the dr. She is a very head strong person. You can't tell her what to do, it makes her mad..

She has no kids, I'm the only one who takes care of her ( for the last 13 months, 7 days a week ). 

She is very mean at times, and i know its because she not feeling good. But I would like to know what's going on. I have called the dr and talked to him but he said its her choose to come or not. He called in pain pills but her will not take them..  (she got so mad when I called them)

In the last 2 or 3 weeks she is feeling worst. She isn't tell me but I can see it in her face. 

Its been 13 months ago when we find out. 10 months from her last chemo and rad. 

Can someone tell me what is happening, what to look for, how to help her?

I can't talk to her about anything. Its like she doesn't unstand what I'm saying. 

How do I handle a head strong person who will not do what best for them?

This woman has been like a mother to me. Please tell me what to come! 


Posts: 844
Joined: Mar 2011

unfortunately, if she refuses treatment, there really is nothing you can do.  It sounds as though she has metastacis to her brain.. Contact the oncology social worker at her hospital.  Also, invite hospice to come to your home if that is a possibility where you live.  So sorry you re going through this.

Posts: 50
Joined: Oct 2013

You are a very good friend to her and you are doing a wonderful job, but it is her decision not to go to the dr as well as eat and take her pain meds. You mentioned she is head strong , thats what has prob kept her alive untill now. Sad to say that even if she went to the DR or for that matter did any further treatments it most likely would only extend her life briefly . Sounds like she misses her husband. Just be her friend and let her call the shots she will keep her dignity . Besides if she is getting to the point  alzheimer may be a blessing because it will at least give her peace , sometimes when we do not have the power to change things even if we understand them we rob ourselves because we can't accept it and then we struggle. So not understanding can perhaps be a blessing. My father died last Dec he was almost 87. We were told 4 days before he dies that he had lung cancer that had spread to his hip . They of course wanted to keep testing him and do treatment. We said NO. He was in the hospilal just a few days and wanted to come home , we told him well eat what they give you and when you get stronger you can come home ( HE was perhaps 80-90 lbs) so we were sending him to a nurseing home untill he was stronger ( the man's backbone was ready to cut thru his skin he was so frail) So that Sunday night I went and sat with him in the hospital ,I brought a deck of cards and set down and played a few hands of poker with him ( he won most the hands we played) I sat and talked with him ask his favorite color and just spent time chatting. Well when I got ready to go he told me he loved me and I said the same. So he was moved to the care center that Monday and by Wednesday morning he passed, The whole point of this story is to let you know that my dad never knew he had cancer or that he was going to a care center. ( we never told him) He thought he was still in the hospital and coming home at some point. We never robbed him of his peace of mind , he faded away in his sleep. I read the report of how the nurse came into check on him that morning and he chased her out saying he was tired and wanted to be left alone so he could sleep, 45 min later the nurse came in to check on him and he was dead. Peace is a gift, so contrast that with the pain and guilt we would of had if we had put him thru everything the dr wanted us to do , he would of been scared I know my Dad and we would of blamed ourselfs thinking we helped him die sooner So all things considered just love your friend and let her know how much she means to you , peace is a gift share that gift with her!!!!

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