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Cancer is so sneaky.

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 1240
Joined: Jun 2013

Cancer grows in you silently sometimes for years. It may even spread to other organs without a notice. But boy when it shows up it takes over your body, mind and soul. 

I had severe pain at the time of diagnosis in my butt. To make sure god gave me a bad cough too, so every time I coughed the pain was excruciating, just to make sure I know that the cancer is there.

Radiation and Xeloda got rid of all my pain down there and I'm very grateful for that. It's a scary thought that without that treatment probably I would be dead by now. 

Then there come the side effects of the treatment though. Muscle spasm in the lower back one day, then in the rib cage the other. A sharp pain in the hip, then heart palpitations. Feel like you can't breath, then heavy sweating. Is that blood in my stool again. Oh, it's potato skin. My urine is red! Oh, I had beet juice last night. is this just morning cough or I got lung mets? Sometimes all this goes away, then showes up very random. It's never clear, never predictable.

I'm sure a lot of it is mental. Does nearopathy started already or I was just standing on my feet too much today? Is this stomach pain from the chemo or some food that doesn't agree with me? Diarrhea from the chemo or from anxiety?

Cancer! Just make up your mind, damn it! Actually don't make up your mind, because I may not like the way you decide.

Let's play this out. I throw in what I got with a little help of my friends and you show me what you got. I know this game will never end. Even if you lose, you will be always on my mind. So let's play gently and let's play for a long long time. Hopefully one day I can wrap my mind around you and we can just whisper ones in a while about the way we used to play.

Laz

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

It sure is sneaky..you can just be going about life and then wham! Crazy thing is my husband didn't have any of those painful symptoms .. and he was diagnosed stage 4 after about 1 month of narrow stool and a couple of weeks of blood in the stool and feeling like he always had to go. Very sneaky indeed. About a month into his diagnosis we had some wonderful fresh beets....yum! Didn't think anything of it til my daughter came to talk to me the next morning..very nervous...said when she used the bathroom there was blood. Luckily the same happpened to me and I knew exactly what it was...but poor kid was so scared. Was thinking of your daughter the other day..she sounds similar to ours who will be 16 in a few weeks. Seems tough and and unconcerned about dad. Well she has to write a letter to the archbishop before being confirmed. I walked into her room to see how she was doing and she was sobbing. She didn't want me to read it but finally said ok..and then I was sobbing. She talked about how scared she is of losing him and how worried that he wont be at her graduation or weddng. It was really heartbreaking to read. But I was glad she had the opportunity to get it out. I convinced her to let dad read ot...of course I was hard to him to read but they had a good cry together. Life is so hard sometimes...

danker
Posts: 1279
Joined: Apr 2012

I agree with you and Craig!!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

yes...

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 633
Joined: Apr 2011

Once you meet Cancer, you have a buddy for life. He never leaves you alone. We did not befriend him, but he came to us uninvited. Even when declaired NED, he walks beside you every day, very loyal indeed. You might forget about him for awhile, but then WHAM. Every little ache or sharp pain, every diarhea out burst,you worry, you examin your stool every time you go, like you can find gold in it. LOL. Colour, shape etc, it is important.

Your first thought in the morning concerns your colon, what to eat, have you been, do you need fiber or protein or veggies or whatever to get through the day. Herbs and juices become your life. We are always fighting "Buddy"!

Sometimes we forget him for awhile, but he makes sure that we never forget him totally. He may rest for a bit and leave us alone, to come back and remind us that he onces walked with us.

The basterd is sneaky, he hurts my friends, takes them away from me way to early, sometimes I feel so inadequate, but sometimes I also feel empowered when I read that some of my friends are NED and the metastasis have shrunk.

We all live with the shadow, some of us are fighting and some of us are resting ready to take up the fight again if necessary. And fight we will.

I had to get this of my chest, love everyone of my CSN friends and pray for their health and well being.

Wish I could make it to New Orleans to meet in person, however this year not possible, maybe next year.

Hugs, Marjan

 

 

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Yeah, even for those of us diagnosed early, cancer is always that unwelcome thought at the back of our minds.

*Hugs*

Gail

Joy1216's picture
Joy1216
Posts: 293
Joined: Mar 2006

You're right, Gail.  Even for those of us diagnosed early, thoughts of cancer never go away.

Joy

 

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 714
Joined: Mar 2012

Boy you said it.  Even when you are NED, every little pain or pinch or tired feeling makes your mind go to that very dark dark place.

I really try not to let cancer take more than it has.  I am 1.5 years NED this Jan will be 2 years.  I am stage 3b with signet cell.  Yes -  signet cell as if cancer was not bad enough.  That is just more aggressive, as if cancer was not aggressive enough.

After all this time, I still cannot believe this happenned to me at 49. Sometimes I think it is a bad movie, then I realize I am the star.  Yikes.

I think and live differently now.  I have removed toxic food, people, situations and job stress from my life. 

It truely is a struggle to not let this take over your mind.  I think about how lucky I am that I am still here and I go on for others that cannot. 

Supporting each other really helps!

Bee bee
Posts: 27
Joined: Jul 2013

I couldn't have said better what you all have already written.

Seeing my dad live with and then die of cancer, I thought I was sort of prepared for what to expect for myself. Boy was I wrong.

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