Checking In Before Things Get Under Way…
Like a trained circus animal under Barnum & Bailey’s Big Tent, I jumped through every hoop of burning fire they put in my way…
Jump higher, they said…..”hold your breath…”
Under the Delusion of Control, they gave me rope…they put me behind the wheel and pretended that for awhile, I was actually driving the bus…
Ahhh……The Illusion of Control…
A lot of time spent….alot of money wasted….alot of bitter in-fighting amongst the dream team….and for what?
I’m so disheartened with this news…I feel betrayed by how I was misled…and right now, feel like the biggest fool in the world.
They never had any other intention other than offering chemo…they only made me feel like I was calling some of the shots.
My doc was pissed that the other doc had ordered biopsies…and said he was “in charge” and driving the bus. Of course, he later included me…
He rolled over on the spleen surgery and Oxy for now….if we don’t see response in six-months or less, he wants me to go that way…
Well, guess what?
In six-months, I just might take my hands off the wheel…I’m still not open to spleen removal just for Oxy for some permanent neuropathy….and then pathological progression from there.
Then, I’ll really feel cheated…
So, right now the plan is Folfiri….what’s new this time will be ZALTRAP.
We’re subbing that for Avastin…
Going with the pump again….believe it does work better than Xeloda and with more manageable side effects at least in the way of it hurting my feet…leucovorin as well.
So many major, life changing decisions are staring me in the face as I prepare to leave this hostile work environment and enter the real-life arena of life and death once more.
I won’t miss the two a-holes I have to sit up here and spend all of my cancer and non-cancer time with…
I’ve been wound tighter than ****’s hatband the past couple of years….and have made so many decisions for my dad’s stuff as well as ours….I’m just flat worn-out mentally and need some downtime, even in the worst of times.
I guess I’ll be getting to take a lot of naps now…
Even the onc’s assistant could see how stressed I was the other day…long story short is because in this world…if you need help…it’s hard to find anyone to take a solution end-to-end….
That’s the reader digest version of it…
I’m starting treatment back on Friday…..
My hopes are to work my way to some sort of surgical or palliative procedure…if for nothing else, than to help ease the pain in my lung.
Chemo is not going to work on this area, much less eradicate it….so we need some of radiation intervention as surgery appears to be out…perhaps forever there.
For the liver, I would hope for shrinkage, so that we can do some SBRT or TACE or something.
Or this fight is not going to go on very long at all….
Geronimo – here we go!
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