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Time does not heal all wounds..

Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2013

I lost my mom April 13th, 2012 to small-cell lung cancer. She passed after a seizure caused by a tumor on her brain. I held her hand as she left me. She was only 45. I was 24. My mom was more than just "my mom".. She was my best friend. I know people say that all the time, but I truly feel the connection I shared with my mom was so much deeper than people can understand. She was my only real friend. She knew what was wrong with me when I couldn't figure it out. She knew what I was going to say before I said it. We gossiped like best friends do. We could talk without saying a word. The day I got a tattoo (a cancer ribbon with butterfly wings) she knew I had it the moment I walked in the door. Mind you, by this point, her mind was not all there and her vision was very poor. She went through hell. She suffered tremors, thrush, nausea, etc. She had chemo & cyber-knife radiation. Her bones became so fragile that she fell and broke her back in two places. She died with a broken back and tumors everywhere... Fluid was filling her lungs and suffocating her. Memories like this hurt me beyond words. It's been a little over a year since she's been gone. But I still can't deal with it or even begin to accept it. She was the person who helped me deal with things like this. My dad suffers deeply but has found God. I attempt to talk to him about my pain, but he (unintentionally) ends up telling me how hard it is for him. I don't want him to feel like he is alone, so I just support him. The problem is, I'm so angry. I'm upset that the one person who deserved to live more than anyone in my family, the one person who loved unconditionally, who kept everyone together is gone. I'm angry I can't cal her. I'm angry my children don't have her to love them. I'm angry that I can't process this because I'm afraid it will consume me. I can't even really cry. Well, I cry but never how it should be. I can tell. It almost feels as if I cry because I'm supposed to instead of because I'm sad. But the weird part is, I'm more sad than I thought was humanly possible. I miss her every second, of every day. I live next door to her house. We worked together. I'm a pharmacy tech so I took care of her medicine. I hate dealing with any medicine she took now. I hate calling any doctor who ever saw her. I hate helping old people even. Because I wonder why they got to grow old, and she didn't. But most of all, I'm angry because I can't make this unreal. I can't change it. And I want her back so bad... I'm just so lost and lonely without her..

Posts: 42
Joined: May 2013

I'm Peggy..what you r going thru is what i went thru when I was 19..my father passed away..I was so close to him..we had a connection that cannot be put into words..He was in the Navy..fought @ Pearl Harbor..I guess I was the son he wished for..He adopted my twin brothers..my sister & me were from him..I truly understand your pain..Now unfortunately..my sons & I r going thru it again..my husband 1 month ago was umpiring a baseball game..collapsed on the field..they couldnt bring him back..I'm 48 now..went thru stage 3 breast cancer a few yrs ago..was told I had 1 yr to live..I'm still here..A lot of people will tell you TIME heals..but heres the problem..The void in your life rite now is..in my words..Empty..this is how you feel..rite?..empty inside..As my father was the love in my life..your mother was the same in your life..If you want me to give you the truth..time does heal..however..the loss of a parent is huge..especially if the parent was really close to you..I know your pain..lost my mom 4 yrs ago..but still cry for my dad..was closer to him..I'm not gonna lie..you have a difficult road ahead of you..but 1 way to get thru it is..go back in time..this may sound nuts to you but it works..trust me..remember the 1st memory you have with your mom...& then..it will all come rushing in..all the great memories..write them down..to share later in your life..u probly think..I'll remember..& u probly will..but write them down..Remember this..you r the person your mom wanted you to be & even tho she's not here..she's all around you

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

You are right. Time doesn't heal all wounds. I have found, though, that time helps me live with those wounds. I lost my father 13 years ago and my husband almost 4 years ago. I still hurt from those losses as well as the loss of a grandfather I was very close to  over 50 years ago. I think we do a disservice to ourselves and others when we talk about closure. I wouldn't even want closure. I hurt because they were very special people in my life. They helped make me the person I am today. I loved them and they loved me. That said, time has helped me find peace. Time has helped me learn to accept that these special people still live in me. Their love can never be taken from me. Your anger suggests that you are stuck in one of the stages of grief most of us experience. Have you considered a grief counselor or joining a grief group? Also, you might think that a year or even two is a long time to grieve. It really isn't. Grieving is hard work, and it takes time. One of the people who helped me along the way didn't even know how much she helped by saying it took her over three years before she really began to feel better. That really took the pressure off me. Take care of yourself. Time does help even if it can't heal everything. Fay

Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi ttawney

I have found from my experience that time on its own cannot heal the hurt of losing a loved one. You are only a year out and believe it or not its really early days still. I lost my husband in Dec 09 so its coming up to 4 years for me and first 2-3 years the loss caused me physical pain. I got up and got going every day because I have 2 girls who need their mum but inside I was not quite functioning.

Now I am pain free from my grief. I still miss him but it doesn't hurt any more. What worked for me was processing my grief and hurt. First 2 years I plodded on but last year I took stock and decided that if I did not deal with the pain it would eventually kill me. I spoke to a grief counselor, I allowed myself to grieve in the way that suited me, I tried reiki, kinesiology, exercise, meditation. You name it, I pretty much did it. I have faith in a higher being but that did not heal the hurt, it just numbed it.

I am now 13 kgs and 3 dress sizes smaller but most importantly my emotional health is back.

I guess my message is this...if you wait for time to heal the wound, it may take a long time or it may never do so. You need to own your grief, process it and allow the experience to add to who you are. It may not be easy, it may be a start stop process for a lot of the time but I can say its definitely something that needs working at.

Your mum will always be with you and be a part of you. I always say to my girls that their dad is in their heart and if they listen hard enough they can hear him. He may not be with us but we all carry a bit of his heart with us just as he took a bit of us with him and thats the bit I touch base with when I feel sad or lonely.






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