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The TV Is On, If Only For The Noise

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1326
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm sure some of you can identify with that one.

I am Wolfen, originally from the Colon Forum. My daughter is Johnnybegood, a five year survivor. I am also a member of the H&N Forum, as my husband was diagnosed In Oct. 2012 with H&N & lung cancers.

Due to many medical mistakes & setbacks, his battle was a downhill slide almost from diagnosis. He lost his valiant battle on May 5, and now I am somewhat lost. We were married for 40+ years. I can barely remember a time when we were not together. And, now he is gone. It is so difficult to comprehend, to realize that he's not going to come home from that hunting trip or his latest stay in the hospital.

I've purposely, I suppose, remained in the the whirlwind that accompanies the death of a spouse. You know, the one where you try to settle the affairs, clean & organize everything, & sell things like mad to make ends meet. Some of you may not have faced that last part, but unfortunately, I do. But when the wind dies down & the dust settles(again), reality sets in. Here comes that fact that I'm over 65, a bit insecure(never was before), and sort of lost.

My chidren are my safe harbor in the storm. Unfortunately, my daughter & her family live a great distance from me. My son, however, remains nearby and has been helping me with everything, but I cannot consume his life. We had no "close" friends, so I have no shoulder to cry on, so I come to you, my friends for words of advice and comfort.

Many of you are familiar to me, having been a member for a few years and feeling your triumphs and sadness for those years.

The hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life was the one to remove my husband from life support. I cannot second guess my decision as I know in my heart that he would not have wanted to "live" in that condition for the remainder of his days. But it was so very hard as I held his hand and watched him take his last breath. A large part of me died that day also.

Try as I might, I find it difficult to keep the solitude and loneliness at bay. It just wants to "creep" in.

Take care, my fellow warriors.



Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

I've known you from the Colon forum. My wife lost her battle August 2012. Being a widower is hard, because I'm a widower because I was married to a great woman. Now she's gone and I'm just here.

I got some grief counseling, both group and individual that helped alot. My kids are grown and have their own lives so I'm alone most of the time.

Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and take things slowly, I subscribe to the DailyStrength Widows and Widowers group.


angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

i am there with you we r not alone even thou we r alone


michelle <3

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1326
Joined: Apr 2009

I remember each of you from the Colon Board. Your spouses were both younger than mine, closer to my daughters age. I know how devastated you both must feel.

My husband had been ill with diabetes and heart trouble for at least 20 years prior to the cancer diagnosis. It was foolish, but I just always thought we would "go" together. After the unexpected diagnosis, in my heart, I knew it was just a matter of time. He could not have survived the cancer treatments. Although any cancer is horrible, H&N treatments are among the most brutal.

I know that each of us must go on, as that is what our spouses would have wanted. Mine was always worried about my future. I told him I would be alright & I will eventually. As cancer survivors have to find their "new normal", so do we.

Michelle, I remember all too well the changes you had to make in your life and my heart broke for you. Please remember that I live less than 20 miles away if you ever just want to to talk.



Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

am 33 my fiance passed away 9 weeks ago aug 7 have been reading posts and thought i was loosing my mind until now as i can see im not alone we were together 14.5 years and i miss her like crazy.she was diagnoased with primary cns lymphoma and against all the odds was kicking cancers arse and after her final treatment we came home and she had blood clot ih the lung and caught an infection her body could not fight.am so angry at the world right now and other people thinking they know whats best for me and my daughters i just feel robbed,i know my rant seems selfish to some but this is the only place i dont have to put on brave face and smile and say yeah were ok when asked the crazy question how you doing it,ll get better.was only meant to put the tv hasnt been off in 9 weeks and aint watched athing.


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