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Hi, I'm a gay man and have been involved with a married man (common law) for a few years. He has several young teen aged children and lives with his girl as a family. He claimed to be in a loveless relationship and I've always had commitment issues so our connection seemed like a "win-win." Eventually our feelings grew out of control and he decided that he wanted to be with me exclusively. I fought him tooth and nail because of my commitment issues. It was also obvious to me that he was kne deep in his living situation with his wife and leaving her would not be easy. I would have to patiently wait for the process to be complete.

Long story short, last summer we had a big fight where I told him that our relationship couldn't go any further than it already had. It was a bitter discussion and some nasty things were said. Then 3 months later he was diagnosed with NH Lymphoma. When he called and told me, I dropped everything and came to his side. Yes, his wife was there as well. She knew that we were friends and had no clue about our sexual connection. I helped her care for him and even went with him to dr's appointments when she wasn't able to. He experienced a LOT of complications and was near death several times. I stood by him and helped nurse him back.Now he's undegoing his chemo treatments and is madly in love with me for being there in his time of need.

The problem is that the feelings aren't mutual. I love him, but I do not want to be commited relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. After he was stabiized on his chemo treatments I started to pull back and spend less time around him and his family. He immediately noticed and questioned me about it. At first, I wasn't as direct as I needed to be, but after constant pressure I eventually told him how I felt. He is now devastated and feels like I misled him. I do love him and don't want to totally abandon him. In a few days he'll be undergoing stem cell therapy and will be hospitialized for a few weeks. He told me that hhe and his wife have come to an agreement and that she will be moving out soon. My question is what should I do? Should I stay around and help him through the last stage of his treatment or should I just move on. He makes me feel selfish and guilty for even thinking about moving on. I know that I was wrong to begin with, but now that we're here I really do not know what to do. Please help...

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hello ILoveNY :).  Welcome to the site and sorry you have to be here and about your friend.  I will write more later but wanted you to know your post is not being ignored.

Hugs and positive thoughts,


anliperez915's picture
Posts: 772
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi IloveNY,

Just wanted to drop by and say hi. I think it's really hard for any of us to tell you what to do in your situation. I really think that you should just do what your heart tells you, just be honest with yourself and with him about your true feelings and he should understand! I don't think anybody should be with another person out of pity...I think that could make any situation worse than it already is. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide and take care of yourself :) 



Rocquie's picture
Posts: 775
Joined: Mar 2013

Dear New York, I feel much more qualified to discuss my experience with Lymphoma than I do advising on the intricacies of complicated relationships. However. . .since you asked.

Your lover is a married man cheating on his wife, so he is not in a position of making too many demands of you. Since you have been involved for a "few years", it seems to me he has had plenty of time to make some decisions about his "loveless" relationship. Look who has commitment issues.

I am so very sorry your friend has Lymphoma. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I commend you for the care you have shown him. If you want to continue to support him in a caretaker position, I think he should accept it as the gift it is and not make further demands at this time.

Good luck and please let us know what you decide.


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi ILoveNY.  Sorry it took awhile to get back to you but I was occupied all weekend.  I am certainly no expert at relationships but would offer some basic kind advice.  Life brings us difficult situations and choices and I'm sorry you find yourself in this challenging situation.  

If at all possible, all of you (your friend, his wife and you) should focus on the "war" at hand which is the battle with cancer.  The relationship complications (difficult as it is) could be set aside (put on hold) for later when you may all find it much easier to deal with.     You may all find you have new and stronger bonds and understanding that wasn't there before.  One thing you all have in common is "love" - try to focus on that for the benefit of all.  i know it's difficult not to be selfish and fearful in this situation.  Though I can agree with Liz's comment about "pity and guilt", there may not be a second chance to make the best of this and you have to consider that. 

He needs everyone on his team and hopefully you and his wife can manage that - I realize how awkward and challenging that is but it can be done.  Again, I'm sorry you guys are in this situation and I truly hope everything works out.

Hugs and positive thougths to all of you,



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