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Am I wrong?????

Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2013

Hello, my name is Candice and on Feb,14th 2011 I lost my Father. He passed away from colon cancer at age 60 and was not in good shape at the end (cant get that pic out of my head). We had a very close relationship since the day I was born so loosing him has been nothing but difficult. I'm wondering if my 2+yrs delay in my grieving process is wrong or just making me struggle more with my life. Since his passing I have made no process at all with the grieving process, I have had 6 new cell phones since then and yet I always programed his number in the phone and call him everytime I feel the need to tell him something just to hear the automated voice on the other end saying that "the number you dialed is not longer in service." I plan on going to see my pastor finally but today I have to re-live it all by going to my close friends sons wake in which he had passed away from cancer as well......This is just all so hard.......

Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

I think the most telling thing about your post is that you seem to be uncomfortable with where you are in the grieving process.  You are questioning or doubting progress toward resolution.

While grieving is a process with stages, one can move forward through a couple of stages, then back again, then forward again.

It is true we probably all know someone who has never "finished" grieving.  I believe you, however, are ready to move forward and are just unsure how to do so.

If your pastor is not able to help you move forward, please ask for a recommendation for a grief counselor or look for one in your area. 

Validation that you should go forward with your life is important: please remember that your father, no doubt, suffered losses in his life and still recognized the necessity of living life to its fullest.  We are not intended, nor would it be desirable to your father for you, to live our lives in active grief.

As you speak of your pastor, I am trusting that you know this is just a difficult time without your father and that you will see him again one day - please go live your life and make some happy memories to share with your father the next time you see him!

Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2013

Thank you very much for the kind words and advice as well as information. I am starting to think that a councelor would be in my best intrest considering i have just let my whole life fall completely apart since his passing.... but again thank you.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

There is no set time for grieving. I lost my husband over three years ago and I still miss him everyday. In many ways, I am still grieving. That's ok, if grieving is not interfering with living. It sounds like you are concerned that your grief is doing that. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a grief counselor especially if your pastor doesn't help you move forward. 

I'm sorry that you are facing another loss now. As we age, we find ourselves dealing with many losses, and each one seems to bring the previous losses to our minds and hearts. At least they do for me. I have accepted that my husband's loss will always leave a sore place. Those special people in our lives do. As one friend  pointed out, it would be really sad if we didn't miss them. Time does mellow that pain if we let it. Accepting that you may have a problem with your continuing grief is step one. It's the hardest one. You will find your way. Think of the good memories, and get whatever help you need. Fay

Hatshepsut's picture
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

I'm sorry that you have to be here but you are right, of course; it is "just so hard." Losing someone so important in our lives has to leave a terrible wound, one that heals more slowly for some of us than for others.


I lost my husband almost three years ago to colon cancer.  Like you, I am frustrated that I am not healing faster than I am.  Inasmuch as we are all different individuals with different temperments, it only makes sense that we heal at different rates. It also makes sense that our wound has elements within it that will always be with us. 

I think that society in general and well-meaning friends in particular put expectations upon us about healing that aren't always helpful.  For example, I have an acquaintance, a pyschoiogist before she retired, who has asked me more than once, when I tell her how frustrated and sad I am at my continuing sadness, whether I really want to heal. Of course, I want to heal. Who would want to hold on to such despair? But, I am doing the best I can. 


Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2013

It's good to know that I'm not the only one whos having problems moving foward. I guess I just worry that I wont because I still don't even want to admitt that he's gone. But as I have opened up and heard other peoples struggles and stories that are so simular to mine it's nice knowing that I'm not alone on this journey and feeling this way which is what I thought before I joined this site seeing is how my Daddy was my world and the only person who stuck by me and helped me with all of my problems. I just hope that when I start going to these support group meetings and counciling I will find someone that I can let in as much as I did my Daddy so I can feel that I have enough strength and support to really move on and make myself better from the inside out and fix my life and mistakes I've made since that terrible day.

Mark.crowson's picture
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2013

I may not be the best person to offer advice on how to "move forward".  My wife of 30 years died almost 3 years ago and I'm still sad all the time pretty much.  My suggestion is to find a person who will really listen to you.  Just listen and affirm that you are okay.  I had luck with a psychologist.  She was knowledgeable about grief, but she didn't know my wife at all.  That she didn't know Sybl was very important and a plus.  When I spoke to people who knew Sybl, they would often try to tell me things about her -- just being nice and making conversation, you know.  But I didn't want to hear what they thought they knew about her...  Nobody knew her like I did. We were one.  The counselor listened and took everything I said about Sybl at face value.  My sessions were just me putting into words my love, despair, anguish, hopelessness...  It helped me a lot.  In a similar way, new friends who didn't know Sybl were (and are) easier to be comfortable around than old friends in many cases.  

Anyway... Hold on to your Dad.  You don't have to move on or let go ... Hold on and find peace.

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