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Beila , how are you?

Ro10's picture
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

We have not heard from you for a long time.  I hope you are doing okay.  Did you start Gemzar.   Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.  In peace and caring.

Posts: 683
Joined: Apr 2010

I was thinking about you.  Hope you are doing well.

Posts: 683
Joined: Apr 2010

I was thinking about you.  Hope you are doing well.

Posts: 1544
Joined: Jun 2012

Didn't she say she was planning to go see her husband?  Hopefully they are together on a warm, sunny beach.

Posts: 97
Joined: Sep 2012

Was in California visiting my best friends.

Havent had chemo for over a month, so physically feel fine (a bit fatigued), but am battling depression/anxiey.

What do people take?  Effexor?  Ativan helps me and I dont care if it is habit forming


Hopefully starting "Plan C" chemo next week

My oncologist seems to favour weekly Taxol...she says it behaves differently when given weekly, and it seemed to work for a while in my initial Carbo/Taxol, and I tolerated it really well

Gemzar is alternative...not to crazy about drop in blood counts and getting painful injections


Will probably go with the weekly Taxol, and at the same time initiate a consult at Sloan Kettering, which takes weeks

I have lost about 7 pounds (was a normal weight before), and still have some mild fatigue, but otherwise am completely asymptomatic!....like someone once wrote "are they sure it is not someone elses CT Scan???


The only thing really bothering me is my mood swings, like a yo yo

For the past year no depression...thinking positively...looking at all my positive role models...taking one treatment step at a time

But when the Doxil didnt work , and my oncologist is never encouraging.(why cant i have an oncologist who transmits a positive outlook...my two have given me zero warm supportive positive feelings.....maybe it's the dark depressing Canadian winter!..very hard to keep the positive thinking...ergo...depression

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME INSERT AND KEEP INSIDE MY HEAD THAT IF ONE (OR 2) CHEMOS DONT WORK, ANOTHER WILL!!!!!....that there is a certain amount of trial and error in this condition

There are so many positive role models...I feel fine...why not me?????


REAL words of encouragement and advice would be extremely welcome

By the way re religion...I am not a believer


Thanks to everyone for your concern


Ro10's picture
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

Hope you had a good trip to California, and had some warm sunshine.

I too hope that plan "C". Works for you.  Sorry to hear that you feel so depressed.  There are many anti depressants available.  I hope you find one that makes you feel better. 

Sorry you are still feeling fatigued, too.  I hope you recover some energy eith the weekly Taxol.  It is supposed to be easier on the body.  In peace and caring.

laura25's picture
Posts: 178
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi Beila,

I don't know if I can help, but I want you to know I understand your feelings.  I went to Sloan for a second opinion when first dx then again this past summer when I had a scare.  I was in awe of how Sloan runs like a well oiled machine.  They have so many trials and can either confirm the path your on or sugguest something else.  I left there feeling at ease with my decision.

Please write here when things just get to much.  I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

jazzy1's picture
Posts: 1385
Joined: Mar 2010

Sorry to hear you're dealing with depression and trying to keep a positive footing on the path.  Life just isn't always easy, as I can relate with many ups/downs in my life.  I've learned quite a bit about depression from a good friend who has dealt with it his whole life, and today teaches classes for others.  

Having docs who don't look towards a "positive outlook" makes the journey that much  more difficult.  We rely on them and darn it when they're not as motivating.  I truly can't tell you how to cope with these docs as not all have good best side manners, as you would know being a doc yourself.  

Whenever I had down and out times in my life, I'd start reading motivating books such as from Dr. Wayne Dyer and Norman Vincent-Peale.  These readings helped pull me up and keep me above the negative crap in my life at that moment.  But...when the physical side is down due to depression that's where the meds help us...have seen this with many of my friends fighting depression.  Yes mam, that darn darkness as well pushes us towards depression.  Do you take any vitamin D...had it checked lately, as that can as well cause depression, plus disease?

What I can tell you, I do not let the statistics lead me...I choose to think "I'm unique and no one can put a time on my life"...so I keep on thinking HOPE....always reminding myself  this will work for me.  

I've been in group therapy for cancer topics and can tell you, I've seen quite a few wonderful women who are stage 4 and given a bad outlook on life.  Today some years later, living very good lives....remember there is always hope, but you have to start thinking that way.


I get on a rant about this thinking, but I believe it works, at the very least calms our minds.  Try yoga or meditation to quiet your mind...another thought!!

Best to you and know we're all here for you and do care!!!


Sara Zipora's picture
Sara Zipora
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010


Believe or don't believe in a higher power, that is your choice. But believe in yourself! This is no choice it is a sine qua non!You know, thought you once mentioned you are a Doc, that depression is hormone driven, but also frequently situational! Goodness gratuitous we are quite deserving, in our roller coaster life's ride, of situational depression!Meds may help some, but You may, can, and should help yourself More!

Re docs, have done informal survey, many oncos have, at best, Right Hemispheric issues, others are downright Aspergers. Brilliant language, research,logicfactuaetc, Left Hemispheric skills, but unable to cognitively deal with non-verbal communication, ergo poor to disastrous social skills.  This may save them on feeling empathy, but sure as heck makes being their patient a lonely, isolated from feelings, experience.
Take from them what they can give, and count on the wonderful sisterhood warriorettes here, for being your comrades in and with arms, albeit with cyber hugs.
Today is Purim, the Holiday of Lots, the Jewish Holiday where certain death was (see Wikipedia for info) peripatetically decided upon by the drawing of Lots, Purim in old Persian.
Through the fate of one orphaned woman, Esther, the entire tiny Jewish population of Persia and outlying areas, overcame and destroyed huge numbers of enemies, killing every last one of the nasty buggers but not touching the financial spoils, isn't it always about money!, proving to King Achachverosh that they, this odd separate keeping tiny group, were only interested in self preservation and not his coffers.
Today is a joyous holiday, where Topsy Tervy is the main theme, where the few Can and Did overcome unbelievable odds and did survive.
 You have choices, you can believe in yourself or you cannot!
Surprises, miracles can happen.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, we just saw the movie Argo. Go see it!  The scary thing is the Persians/Iranians still want to get us all, not just we Jews but the world of good people, and in the movie, which is based on a true story during the Iranian captivity of the USA embassy, the few with crazy cockeyed good luck, succeed over the many.
Cancer is within us, we have choices to try to be Whiley Coyote (American cartoon character) or succumb to the bad buggers without using our choices.
Go for it. It is only a win win situation. No one knows who or how long anyone will live, nor what armaments will work for individuals,  Oncos for sure not! As Jazzy said, we are all cases of one. But we are an army of women!
Research has Shown that Marching Band Music has positive effect on endorphins, natural anti-depressives, go buy a Sousa Disc.
Big talker me, I am scared stiff, because now, two and a half years out, four recurrences, chemos where my body continued to make new tumors, extetnal radiation four times, I am have PTSD and feeling something in my pelvic area, most Stuff having been surgically removed Twice!
So I'm still in the war, but all my kids and unmarried grands, are coming to me this 
Year for Passover Seder.
Afterward we have plans for a Safari in SA.
Bloods dandy, as even when i
I had ferocious tumors,  PET in a week or two to see what is going on, then I guess 
I'll have to deal with new reality. Till then, and post then, I am choosing to fight! Diet, excersizeing, far Infa Red Sauna, trips with my hubby, working four half Till four instead of old days till seven) days a week.
I am tired a lot, weak, dobt sleep at night much, and push myself every minute.
I do have an endgame, when I will choose to stop, but I'm not there yet, I'm too busy living!
Joyous Purim to all,
laura25's picture
Posts: 178
Joined: Mar 2011

Thank you Sara, you are always such an inspiration.  Seems like you post just when I need a push.


Beila, I hope you are well... did you talk to Sloan yet? 



Sisters three
Posts: 165
Joined: Nov 2012

Joyous Purim to you too!!!!!

Posts: 97
Joined: Sep 2012

Thank you so much to all of you for all your support.

Yes Sara, I dont think I need antidepressants..I need to get my way of thinking back on track the way it was for the 1st year...ie positive


2 mind sets get rid of my depression:

1  that SOMETHING, chemo wise, will work for me.

  I am starting weekly Taxol on Tuesday and I need to think positively that it  will be effective....or if not, SOMETHING else will!!!!

2  things to look forward to...Sara, I dont know how you do it!!! A real inspiration to us....how do you do all that travelling amidst all your cancer treatment??   I NEED TO LOOK FORWARD TO GOING TO CUBA in the next month or two.....even if it is only 5 days, in between my weekly treatments!!  I am like you...you are planning Seder at your home...I need to feel that I have things that bring me pleasure as the main focus, intead of being a cancer patient as my main identiy/focus

I am seriously considering doing a fundraiser for animal rescue, perhaps in June...I did this 2 and a half years ago....a great Cuban Dance Party, with live Cuban band, latin dance performers, salsa lessons, etc.....a good time was had by all, and we raised $8000 for the Humane Society.....the only thing I need is help, and I will do it!!...looking into that today

Sara, you are my inspiration for getting out there and travelling and doing significant things in the midst of all this "journey" that we are on

Thanks again to everyone for your support (keep it coming!Kiss)


daisy366's picture
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

Sara, I love your passion, spunk, determination. You are an inspiration for me. I agree that we need to live & fight the good fight enjoying all that life has. I think looking forward to celebrations & happy events is helpful.

Beila, I'm sorry Doxil did not work & you are understandably discouraged. I am also getting weekly infusions - carbo & taxotere. How did you make out with avastin? I would Love to go to Cuba. It's on my bucket list!

I think positive thinking is important & I use visualization when getting chemo seeing the chemo attacking Ca & leaving healthy cells unharmed. I sometimes wonder if my negative attitude about Doxil contributed to it's in effectiveness though a doc told me this anti-placebo effect has not been proven.

We are a strong army of women for sure. Love you all!

Mary Ann

Ro10's picture
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

How are you handling the weekly Taxol.  Hope you are less fatigued than with the Doxil.  Hope the taxol is working for you, too.  Did you numbers rise on the Doxil, or did your tumor grow, or have increased symptoms?  I hope your depression is better, too.  You remain in my thoughts and prayers.  In peace and caring.

Ro10's picture
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

Hope your third weekly chemo infusion went well.  Hope you are feeling stronger, too.  Do you have weekly blood work and CA 125's?  I hope your number is dropping.  Hope you have been abler to get out and enjoy tour sunshine.  You remain in my thoughts and prayers.  Hope Rudy is doing well, too.

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