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East Georgia Cancer Coalition, What Makes a Man and Woman Feel Loved

WinneyPooh's picture
Posts: 318
Joined: Jul 2009

Found this just wondering how you all think based on experience, 

From a Healthcare Perspective Page 4


What Makes a Man and Woman Feel Loved

Lemont C. Monroe, Sr., LPN II, TH.B, M Div.

When the institution of marriage was established well over 2000 years ago, it was established by GOD with much flavor

and favor, with every i dotted and every T crossed. The rules of this institution are complex in terms of content, but very

simple in terms of direction to follow, as discussed in the Book of Ephesians. So now I guess you are wondering what

these rules are that I am speaking of. They are love, honor, respect, share, understand, and provide for your spouse.

While this is not an exhaustive list of what can be or should be done, I feel that this is a good generalization of such without

making this article too long. In order to get into the subject matter of this article I must now shift and ask that you

focus your attention on the latter of the rules; supporting and taking care of one another.

When two individuals begin to engage in the institution of marriage, from engagement to Holy Matrimony, there are no

expectations that one may become the care provider for the other, whether palliative or otherwise. Yes, the thought may

be there due to a residual reflection of the wedding vows, for better or worse, but the absolute idea of having to focus on

the worse is extremely far from the minds of parties involved. Yet statistically speaking, if a couple is married long enough,

there will be sickness to some degree and one or the other will have to step in and provide care. So what is it that makes

a man and woman feel loved from a healthcare perspective. It is as simple as this, knowing that you are there for them

unconditionally and the fact that you share their pain and suffering. This can be done, not so much by what you say, but by

what you do and the attitude behind it. Please note a non-exhaustive list of some very simple things that can be done to

make him or her feel loved.

Regarding Her:

1. Men focus your undivided attention on her and her needs by letting all things go regarding your extracurricular

activities. You can always resume those later.

2. Ensure her that the children (if applicable) are under control, as you should already be doing, and everything at home

is fine.

3. Take family leave, if you can, and let her know that this is especially for her.

4. If hospitalized, you provide the A.M. care for her instead of the nursing staff. After all she is the good thing that has

been provided for you and this will satisfy the touch that she desires to have from you. Trust me; this will win many

points of favor for many days to come. Also, make sure she has her own gowns and personal items if possible. This

will make her feel pretty

5. If she has not had her nails, hair and makeup done, tell her she is still pretty and mean it.

6. If permitted, bring her a meal from the outside and eat with her.

7. Don’t be a jerk if you become frustrated. If you feel this coming on, leave the environment for a little while so she

can`t see it.

8. Pray with her without her having to ask.

9. Use words like, I will, I can, I understand.

10. Talk with and to her and not at her.

Regarding Him:

1. Let him be the baby that he will be.

2. Be understanding of his low tolerance for pain.

3. Take family leave if you can.

4. Stroke his ego.

5. Tell him you love him and mean it.

6. Allow him to have the illusion that he is still in charge.

In my opinion there is no greater way to show love, than to take care of someone who can’t take care of themselves,

especially in a cancer related, palliative care situation within the institution of marriage.

Merry Christmas to all.

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3355
Joined: Jan 2010

I found this to be biased and a bit condesending. 

Whether within the bonds of martimony or those of partnership or friendship or family relationship, love is not shown during a crisis by pretending  or acting in a manner which is not normally shown. 

I would find it less than comforting to have someone (husband, friend, family member) to hover by spending too much time with me unless I am very close to death.  Being told I look good when I know better would make me feel lied to.  The rest of the "her" list are things, if not done before the crisis, would be a lie as well.

I imagine that some of the men who post here would be insulted at the "act like a baby", "low tolerance of pain" and "allow him the illusion" statements.

Love, care and concern are shown to another by understanding and responding to their needs.  This applies during the good times as well as the bad. 

Love is not something you can script or manufacture thru non-normal action. It comes from the heart.  If you don't show that love before the crisis, you can't ever make it seem real during one. 

The desire to show extra care and concern during a crisis is not just limited to those in a marital relationship,

Marie who loves kitties



steve g
Posts: 59
Joined: Dec 2008

You added some realism to a myth based topic...Steve

Posts: 1270
Joined: Apr 2012

Right on!!!! I will soon be married to my wife for 56 years.  When I was suffering from cancer, she was My love and caregiver.  She now has alzheimers. 

I am now her caregiver .  For both of us, we are the love of our life.

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

this is pretty darn sexist and stereotyped from all angles.  Men are "babies", with low pain tolerance, who need ego stroking and the "illusion" of being in charge?  Women need their men to give up their outside lives and make them feel pretty in order to get through a period of illness?  I can't speak for the guys, but personally I didn't give a damn about looking pretty when I was spending days on end with my bald head in the toilet.  In fact, if my husband had told me that I looked pretty in that moment, I would have probably punched him.  And I encouraged him to get out of the house and take a break whenever it was at all feasible...giving up all extracurricular activities is a good way to make a caregiver crazy, imo.  AA

WinneyPooh's picture
Posts: 318
Joined: Jul 2009

WHEN i FIRST READ THIS i THOUGHT WOW.  But it was published in the Cancer Coalition News letter and it stuck me as weird, sexist and somewhat true. 


Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3355
Joined: Jan 2010

The person who wrote this article has a Bachelor and Master Degrees in Theology and Divinity and a Certificate in Nursing.

I found it interesting that the author is male, given his less than flattering list of how to show a man love.

It only goes to show that regardless of the organization presenting the information or the education of the author, one should always put faith in their own experiences, gut feelings and mental abilities.

Marie who loves kitties


Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

The line   "If permitted bring her a meal from the outside"     HUH???

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

says more about ol' Lamont's life than anything else...

Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

I thought it meant if she was in the hospital and allowed to eat non hospital food...tho i cant imagine anything could be worse than hospital food. Article is a little strange...seems like something written in the 50s.

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

Lamont's heyday?

Not everyone can be as cool and up to date as our Danker!

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