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Easing back from my "vacation"

Doc_Hawk's picture
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

It's been a pretty rough weekend here. Because of my hospital stay last weekend, my treatment was delayed by a day, getting it on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. That put my disconnect from the pump on Friday, but since I have a PICC, I was able to do that myself. Friday was my mom's birthday and my dad hosted a lovely dinner party at a nice restaurant for her and invited all of us kids along with their siblings. I was able to remain awake during the dinner but by time we got home I couldn't function anymore.

Saturday was much the same thing, going so far as sleeping on my bedroom floor for an hour because I couldn't get up from the floor and on the bed. It was so bad by that evening, my sister had to start and stop my IV antibiotic drip while I was barely awake. It really scared the family pretty bad.

By Sunday, I was more with it, but the cracking on my hands has got worse than ever before. My onc had said that they should start getting better on the Zaltrap, not worse! Even now, it's very painful walking or picking things up. I have to use two hands to pick up even the lightest items and typing is agony and messy. That's why I haven't posted in several days.

I'm just getting so tired of all these set backs lately and am really feeling like my body is betraying me. I know that there are others who have it much worse and that things can easily go that way, but I still feel so very weak (physically as well as emotionally.)

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3360
Joined: Jan 2010

I hope that the tiredness and the skin cracking issues are just a residual effect from past chemo, and that the Zaltrap is kinder to you.

Your body has taken a real beating in the last months with all the issues which have cropped up. I know that it is important to you to try to keep as normal a routine as possible, but it may be time for you to ease back and rebuild your strenght and reserves.

When I had my initial surgery, I was in the hospital for 3 weeks, had a second surgery, lost 50 pounds because I could not stand even the smell of food and ended up back at the hopstial for 3 days due to an infection. When I came home again I felt that I would never get better. I could do only very minimal things for myself. I am normally a very independent person, but I had to relinquish control and let others do for me. I have little memory of the following month. I slept and ate small amounts of favorite foods that my mother fixed for me. With time, I began to regain not only my physical self but also my emotional self.

Your situation is much more complex, especially with chemo treatments. Please reach out for the help which will allow you to rest and recover.

Prayers, hugs and love coming your way for steady improvement both physically and emotionally.

Marie who loves kitties

Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey Ray

I can feel you in this post. Two things resonated with me...

1. am really feeling like my body is betraying me
2. still feel so very weak (physically as well as emotionally.)

Your feelings took me back to a place and time where I harbored very similar feelings to what you have expressed. I was in the last phases of another long cancer battle that had taken me to the edge of endurance - and past the point where I thought...

"Is This It?"

So, I wrote a post about it...here's the link to it when you can find the strength and energy to read it...I'd like you too...I think it will help you...I think you will relate to it...I wouldn't be asking you to read it otherwise.

I know how hard it is to do those things when one is so sick.

I think you will walk away from it more empowered than what you are feeling today.

As the old saying goes..."This too shall pass..."

It did for me...and I hope it does for you as well.

I know you like to write...I'm a wannabe myself:)

Fight on, Ray!



wolfen's picture
Posts: 1328
Joined: Apr 2009

Just sending you a really big hug and a bottle of that same sunshine I sent to Winter.



tommycat's picture
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

You do sound so very down, and rightly so--you've been through a lot and this weekend sounds like it was very rough.
I too remember when there were more bad days than good ones, one setback after another.
Be gentle with/on yourself, okay?
PS: Typing your post today was a positive thing for you. Small maybe, but hold onto the small things too.

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

I remember times on chemo when I felt so wretched, I would have happily curled up and died. I couldn't even bear to be hugged by my kids, because my body felt so horrible. The level of suffering during treatment can be just unbelievable. It's very difficult to keep up our spirits when our bodies are under such assault. I have no special words of wisdom...just wanted to let you know that everyone on the board is rooting for you, and hoping that things will get better soon. Many hugs, and strength, coming your way from Seattle~Ann

k44454445's picture
Posts: 494
Joined: Jul 2012

so sorry you have been thru so much. you are a strong person & you will get thru this! hang in there.

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