Insensitive comments

Two comments were made to me this weekend that just about floored me. My folks and I went to my sisters house for dinner on Thanksgiving and this bone headed 18 year old kid she rents a room to told me, as we were leaving to "try not to die too soon." The first earful he got was from me and pretty much the rest of the family gave him both barrels and my oldest nephew was held back from beating the crap out of him because he'd cut his hand pretty bad.

The second, and more unforgivable one, came from my older brother (he who would rather have my motorcycle in his life than me.) He offered to say a prayer to release me from my "mortal coils" so that I could "die in peace." I told him I'd just as soon wait a few decades on that one. He made the comment in front of my dad and it pissed him off pretty bad. This is his third insensitive comment in the past year, so I've decided that I'm not having anything else to do with him
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Comments

  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900
    doc, i would just kick the insensitive ones off the bus
    thats what they say downunder, keep yuor friends an supporters on the bus.

    each day is simply to precious to have its enjoyment tainted by fools or mean spirited folks.

    kick off the bus and close the door.

    if its been really hurtful or insemsitive then put your foot on the accelerator, get the bus up to 100miles per hour and then kick them off. they may learn there lesson then, by for many being insensitive is a full time occupation.

    I would then forive them but keep them off the bus.

    hugs,
    Pete
  • Vickilg
    Vickilg Member Posts: 281

    doc, i would just kick the insensitive ones off the bus
    thats what they say downunder, keep yuor friends an supporters on the bus.

    each day is simply to precious to have its enjoyment tainted by fools or mean spirited folks.

    kick off the bus and close the door.

    if its been really hurtful or insemsitive then put your foot on the accelerator, get the bus up to 100miles per hour and then kick them off. they may learn there lesson then, by for many being insensitive is a full time occupation.

    I would then forive them but keep them off the bus.

    hugs,
    Pete

    Doc
    Good morning, Doc...

    This has happened to me on several occassions and it leaves me floored each time that people are really this stupid or just plain insensitive. I have chosen to not socialize with the people that just seem to always say the wrong thing. We have a hard enough time boosting our confidence without people messing with it. Don't be angry, just realize that some people just don't get it or know how to deal with it. That's okay but you don't have to be the one that teaches them either.

    Big hug.

    Vicki
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Dear Doc
    Unfortunately there will always be those who say the wrong thing. The comment made by the youngster can be forgiven as I am certain that he didn't mean to hurt you, he just used the wrong words.

    As for the brother, he should know you better and have more care of your feelings. You have mentioned him before and it seems you are right to remove yourself from his orbit. He should recognize your efforts to improve your health and encourage them, especially when you are at low ebb.

    Just remember for every insensitive person out there, there are millions who if they knew you they would be cheering you on, just as we do here.

    The greatest reward you will have is to get stronger, get healthier and show the naysayers just how wrong they were.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    There You Go, Ray:)
    We vote with our feet and our car keys...I know you've made a good decision here.

    Hell, I got so mad reading this, I was tempted to jump in the car and help you F your bro up..."mortal coils" is so very condescending...

    Your brother obviously understands nothing about cancer...because if he did, he would be aware that many of us live a much longer time than we were told.

    You want to piss him off? Tell him you know a guy who's made it 8.6 years...and that your doc tells you that you have at least that much time - and more:)

    I recently had a family member say something very insensitive to me after I shared an event with them...I subsequently shut the door back on them....re-evaluated my relationships with them for 51-years...and realized it was false and vacant all along...

    I tell you what...you've turned both cheeks nearly twice now...and slapped repeatedly by taking the high road...I think the next time I'd engage immediately - and with extreme prejudice.

    I like to get mad - and then get even.

    The Lion has been kicking all kind of people's a$$es this year that have decided to mess with me in the wrong way.

    Fight back - it does a body good - you'll feel pretty good about it too.

    I like that you let it pass you by, Ray...but next time, call him out publically and get your feelings out in the open and on the record. That's what I did and my whole family knew what I did - and why I did it.

    And that way, they know...and understand...this is freeing.

    And it keeps those pent up, bottled feelings, an outlet that they so desperately need.

    When we hold it, it always smolders and then manifests itself into something else...

    Rock on!

    -Craig
  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571
    Wow.
    The world is full of idiots and unfortunately, some of them are right in our own families. My SIL asked me if I had made my "bucket list" a couple of weeks after I was diagnosed (I told her that as soon as my 9 inch gut incision healed up, I would be getting right on my goal of becoming a famous stripper). For whatever reason, it just seems like cancer brings out the worst in some people, just like it brings out the best in others. I think that limiting the amount of time you spend with this sibling is perfectly reasonable...you don't need any additional poison in your life beyond the actual stuff you have to endure to get rid of the dang cancer. AA
  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278

    Wow.
    The world is full of idiots and unfortunately, some of them are right in our own families. My SIL asked me if I had made my "bucket list" a couple of weeks after I was diagnosed (I told her that as soon as my 9 inch gut incision healed up, I would be getting right on my goal of becoming a famous stripper). For whatever reason, it just seems like cancer brings out the worst in some people, just like it brings out the best in others. I think that limiting the amount of time you spend with this sibling is perfectly reasonable...you don't need any additional poison in your life beyond the actual stuff you have to endure to get rid of the dang cancer. AA

    Keep Positive around us
    We all need to keep positive around us.

    We have left several family members in the past because they are just mean. Luckily they also tell everyone how they go to church every week. I told them they need to crack the book open to get anything out of going to church. Then try to practice the lesson one heard and read.

    Keep Positive, keep positive people around you, and forget the others.

    Best Always, mike
  • tanstaafl
    tanstaafl Member Posts: 1,299 Member
    et tu...
    The first comment from the 18 yo renter, I imagine as that teen combination of "stoopidity" and insolence that they might call humor.
    "...try not to die too soon."
    My natural reactive thought, and probable response, "You too [kiddo]" : )

    The brother sounds to me like possibly unresolved issues, perhaps graspy habits. There is also a lot of ignorance about improved outcomes, I often get expectant condolences if someone finds out about my wife's stage IV that would reflect 1970s or pre 2000 stats.
  • Deena11
    Deena11 Member Posts: 199
    Insensitive Words
    Yep...I know what you mean. I had a "friend" who asked how I was doing. I was in my second month of chemo so I told her I had colon cancer. She told me she had a friend who died a year after she was diagnosed. I don't think she meant to be insensitive but it was not what I wanted to hear since I was so afraid at the time. I'd rather she had not shared that information about her friend.
  • Luckygirl2
    Luckygirl2 Member Posts: 308
    talking before thinking
    So sorry this happened on Thanksgiving no less. As for the brother, next time you see him tell him you've made a decision to donate your bike to a charity - that will probably knock his socks off. When I first diagnosed and while in treatment, my mother in law and brother in law would make comments -hoping they got it all, etc etc, finally told my husband I would not go back, he in turn told them they had to quit being negative. I hope you have a better Christmas!

    Debbie
  • Dyanclark
    Dyanclark Member Posts: 296
    Enjoy your posts
    Well I always read your posts, I know you have been going thru a lot. We are created with the desire to live and fight for life. You are always so upbuilding, so dont let the bad ones get you dowm. People who make such negative comments are not worth your time. Take care.
    My husband is the one with cancer and I never say anything negative to him.
  • dmj101
    dmj101 Member Posts: 527
    Slammed twice in one week...
    Slammed twice in one week... so sorry.. you really have been dealing with so much lately..
    I am sorry you are having such a rough time and people are being inconsiderate. Unfortunately when people make comments like these they are just showing us how snall and unimportant they really are.. remember KARMA... karma sucks and believe they will have their turn at this someday and then the revelations will occurr possibly if they grow at all in character.. but we go on... stay strong my friend. ... Donna
  • k44454445
    k44454445 Member Posts: 494
    Doc
    they are jerks. kick them out of your life! you are a wonderful guy & do not deserve to be treated like that. some people are just stupid but you do not need to be around people like that!!! get your kick **** boots on!
    hugs
    judy
  • LOUSWIFT
    LOUSWIFT Member Posts: 371
    SO WHAT
    Hi doc
    My wife and caregiver when I need her specializes in insensitive or non-compassionate remarks. I think most of the time she isn't even aware of it. It just flows out. I'll trade you and believe me you'll regret it. It still bothers me but I think after all the scars from chemo and surgeries what she says... So what? I put up with her as much as she with me. Of course I'm the one that gets sick all the time or as she says "It's just one thing after another with you" In her defense what has happened over the last ten years and three bouts with cancer wasn't what we planned in our retirement years. Guess what Life happens and the other thing too! Take Care Lou
  • lilacbrroller
    lilacbrroller Member Posts: 412
    Hang in there!
    Hang in there - you're one of my fighting heroes on this board and am rooting for you every day! Non illigitimati carborundum, which I think means don't let the bastards wear you down.

    Karin the lurker
  • jasminsaba
    jasminsaba Member Posts: 157
    some people just really suck ...
    we've got one of those around us, too. A friend of a family who found it necessary to act as the voice of reason ... called me once out of the blue to tell me that he has never known anyone with cancer who has made it - that my mom would most certainly die and it was my job to make the rest of her life easy on her.

    I was in so much pain and hurt that I didn't respond to anything he said ... I just listened and after hanging up, without saying anything, I went into a serious depression for a couple of weeks. My husband reminded me though that this dude was a contractor with a high school education - what the heck does he know about my mom's illness and/or prognosis. So I have kept my distance ... and I have tried very hard to keep him away from my mom.

    He has called me on several occasions, subsequent to that call ... I have yet to answer and/or return any of his calls.

    What irritated me most was that he was doing this under the guise of doing the "christian thing" by getting me to face the truth ... I can't ever accept that Christ or God or any higher power would condone this type of shitty behavior.

    Take care of yourself ... and keep away from your brother. Some people, regardless of their relation, are just poison.
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,715 Member
    Insensitivity
    People can be so insensitive to other people's circumstances. Agree with the others on the 18 year old as they are always sticking their feet in their mouth because they still are so immature. Your brother on the other hand, should not get away with such cruel sayings. Remember another post that you had in the past that mentioned something really rotten that he said - think it was about you dying and him getting your bike. Wow I'd sure make sure that you and your bike are NEVER seperated. Don't avoid holidays because he's there but you should have something very clever to spew at him if he says something so insensitive again. I'm not witty that way, but only think about it after the situation has passed. Just remember, we love you :)

    Kim
  • rogina2336
    rogina2336 Member Posts: 188
    So sorry to hear this people
    So sorry to hear this people can be so cruel. Kim
  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425

    So sorry to hear this people
    So sorry to hear this people can be so cruel. Kim

    Good grief....your brother
    Good grief....your brother should know better, how insensitive. The kid, I don't know, maybe after spending a dinner with you was being completely sincere, and doesn't want you going anywhere and enjoyed your company, it just came out the wrong way.
  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
    Don't we have enough to deal with
    I was always told if you cannot say something nice.....do not say anything at all. I noticed that as soon as someone knows you have cancer.....wow suddenly they have an opinion about everything. Get all negativity OUT of your life, no matter who it is. We need all our strength to continue the battle and not to waste time with people that do not matter. You have fought very hard to get to where you are today. Do not let anyone rob you of that (brother included). You did not choose who your brother is, but you can choose if he will be in your life. Be good to yourself. Plan to live to be 100 years old!! Your posts are great!
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    Don't we have enough to deal with
    I was always told if you cannot say something nice.....do not say anything at all. I noticed that as soon as someone knows you have cancer.....wow suddenly they have an opinion about everything. Get all negativity OUT of your life, no matter who it is. We need all our strength to continue the battle and not to waste time with people that do not matter. You have fought very hard to get to where you are today. Do not let anyone rob you of that (brother included). You did not choose who your brother is, but you can choose if he will be in your life. Be good to yourself. Plan to live to be 100 years old!! Your posts are great!

    Only 100??
    I tell people I plan on living to be 120 and get shot to death by a jealous husband while shouting "but, she told me she was single and over 18!"

    That does sort of negate when I give my age as 188, though.