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Missing you / update

forme's picture
Posts: 1162
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi All,

First let me say that I have really missed you and your wonderful supportive ways. I have tried to read the posts from time to time, but mostly I am just too tired.

I'll try to bring you up to speed on all the different things going on right now.

First, I went to the cardiologist about the chest pain. I had another echocardiogram which was fine. The DR wanted me to have a special cardiac Petscan. After talking with hubby and my PCP, we felt that I should not have it. I have had so much radiation with scans, one on top of another and more to come, that the radiation risk was becoming to high.

I also went to the pulmonary onc. I had an ultrasound of my lungs. This is a not very helpful way to see inside the lungs, but once in awhile it will work. Didn't work, so I will be having another ct scan after Thanksgiving. The Dr thinks that I will most likely need to have ct scans every three months to follow the nodules growth rate. Right now it is still to small for any real positive type of treatment.

My overall recovery from the surgery has been very slow and very painful. I still get tired very quickly. Hubby wants me to have more transfusions, but I don't know if I can deal with that right now. My counts are still way below normal, but not critically low.
My memory is a mess. Nothing sticks. Tell me something and I will forget it five minute later. This is so hard for me.

I always felt that I was handling all the cancers issues so well. But I am starting to think that the cumlative effects are doing me in. I have this under current of fear, which I can't shake and normally don't have. Living with cancer inside me is just plain hard to do. And the only people who understand what it is like, are people who have cancer inside them too.

I am sad most of the time and tearful at a moments notice. I know that it's normal to be sad, my mom has only been gone since Feb. and then the nightmare summer, but I just feel so overwhelmed.

My daughter got engaged in early Oct. and has set her wedding date for March 2, 2013! It feels like most of the details for the wedding are on me. With very little time to arrange things and everyone except me working full time, I am expected to do most everything. No one except hubby understands how difficult this is for me. I can't remember things, I am exhausted all the time and I am in pain, and my other daughters are not very happy or excited about their sisters wedding. So I end up hearing everyones complaints. It's just too much for me. I want to feel happy and excited for my daughter, and I am, but the sadness just is so imposing. My girls all think that I should be well and able to do everything. They just don't understand how I truly feel. I am not recovered yet, and most likely will still not be by the time March arrives. I can except that, but the girls just expect their mom to be their mom and do it all. I sure wish my daughter would have waited longer to have the wedding. Most times they don't even consider my feelings and my health. Oh well, I am trying.

Everytime I think about posting to you all, something else comes up and the thought is just gone again. I have missed you all so much. I have been catching up on the posts today. Hopefully I will get through a bunch of them before something else interrups me.
Please know that you are all so special. I'll try to post more often.


PS Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to bring you up to date on the major issues going on.

Aaron's picture
Posts: 239
Joined: Jun 2012

It's good to hear from you, I can sure relate to the family stuff . I think it's impossible to understand the toll cancer and treatment can take. My extended and close family still expects me to cook and entertain for both upcoming holidays like I have for years and then act all kinds of dissapointed when I say we're taking the year off. I'm sure not equating that to planning a whole wedding but their certainly analigous in the sense that sometimes family can be the least understanding. I wish you all the best and it sure is nice to hear from you. Aaron

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Lisha !!!

Hugs Hugs Hugs!
I'm so glad to hear from you. I'm sorry you're not feeling a lot better
yet and you have all the stress of planning a wedding also.
I know nothing about planning weddings but I did find this website
that is free - don't know if it will help you:

Wedding Checklist

My memory is kind of shot too. I can watch a movie and in two weeks I will
forget most of it. I find myself reaching for words in conversations and they
just won't come. I suppose it's classic chemo brain.

Great to hear from you and hang in there!


Anonymous user (not verified)


I always enjoy reading your updates.. they are always a lovely read. It is very hard when no one else understands what you're experiencing-- everyone is so busy thinking positive that they forget it takes time to heal and regain energy.

I really hope there may be someone who can help you with the wedding plans. That's an awful lot of work and stress to deal with. :(

Please take care!

scuttlebug11's picture
Posts: 175
Joined: Jun 2011

im so glad to hear from you i hope tou feel better soon and i'll be praying for you. blessings denise

anliperez915's picture
Posts: 772
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi Sweet Lisha,
You are going through and dealing with a lot of things, I don't know how you do it! I noticed on your post that you forget things, I do too so I have to put little alarms for things that I have to do, maybe you can try doing that. The list that Jim gave you will hopefully help you with your daughter's wedding. I understand that you want to be there for her and help her but I don't think you are ready for that kind of stress you still need to recover. If you could just explain this to your daughters, maybe someone else could help her. Please take care of yourself, sending you many hugs and always keeping you in my prayers.


vinny59's picture
Posts: 1032
Joined: Nov 2006

Hi Lisha, so glad to hear from you! Things tend to get over whelming but you have to fight through it. We all at times feel defeated, but not out! Enjoy the things you can enjoy. People to no fault of there own, can not comprehend the day to day emotions that flood our minds. People tend to put bad things out of their mind, it's just human nature. Have a great turkey day! Talk to you soon Vinny

allmost60's picture
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Lisha,
Glad to see you felt good enough to post. Try to take things a day at a time and not let the wedding stress you out...easier said than done, I know. Call if you need to talk...I've still got Steve home everyday, plus babysitting Lizzy, so my computer time is limited. I'm ready for my dear hubby to go back to work...ha! Take care sweetie...Sue

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Lisha,

I am so happy you are posting again. I am sorry to read how rough things have been for you.

Please don't every be sorry for posting how you feel, and the mental pain you are going
through. You have been through so much. How can you not feel as you do. I am sure not bouncing back from surgery months ago, is getting you down. Just maybe, your body is tired,
and this is the only way your body can get the rest that is needed.

You still have time until the wedding in March. Slow down your thoughts, and not worry about what has to be done. I am not surprised how family members expect you still to do everything. Patience, they have to understand and have patience. They are so used to you being the strong person and always being in charge. That's me also. I think we are to blame for being who we were. Note we WERE.

I know how hard it was for you to post. Thank you. Be patient with yourself. Please don't give up. I pray for you by March you will feel so much better.

Always in my thoughts and prayers. Love you Maggie

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