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Don't know if I can do this again

Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2012

In the last four years, my father has had cancer of the throat, twice, the last one resulting In the loss of his voice box. During this time, his wife and my stepmom developed lung cancer. As was their wishes, we didn't talk much about it, but there were many nights in the ER, appointments, and my father who has always been narcissistic, didn't seem to notice how ill his wife was. Stepmom lived an extremely unpleasant year after diagnosis, and since there was no discussion, the financial and legal issues after her passing were huge, requiring hours and hours of work, as Dad paid no attention. Dad also couldn't live on his own anymore, so we found him a beautiful place in a retirement/assisted living facility. During this time, and to a lesser degree before, Dad is incredibly abusive verbally. We are in the process of trying to sell his house.

A few months ago, Dad had a tumor in his lung, had cyber knife surgery, which was effective on that tumor, but now there is another in the same lung, and a suspicious area in his other lung. He is starting chemo on Monday. So, with this as a background, I don't really know how much more I can take. I have given it to God, but in the midst of the unhappiness, we have had great joy, and that is what I focus on.

My issue is that I own a one person business that has suffered greatly, and I am very scared that I will lose my business if I don't give it attention, but know that my Dad is going to be miserable (he has never has chemo before, just radiation and surgery). I don't know how to balance it all. I feel selfish, and alone in this, and angry, and resentful. My husband also owns a business, and everything is run out of our house. I am not sleeping.

I just don't know what to do any more.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

The first thing a caregiver needs to do is care for self. Check with the American Cancer Society in your area. Some have volunteer drivers. I know you want to help as much as you can, but I'm guessing that your dad doesn't want you to lose your business. Keep your faith even though that is not easy. Talk with you dad and see where he feels he needs you most. Ask friends and family to help out. While my husband was fighting cancer, we found that many wanted to help but didn't know how. When I finally asked for help, they were glad that they could help. None is this is easy or fair, but then nobody said it would be. Hugs and prayers, Fay

Posts: 1846
Joined: Aug 2010

You've got to take care of yourself.

Finding volunteers through local churches or buddy groups, calling all relatives or anyone who can help whether with your dad or your business.

Take a few minutes every day to just breathe. I know this is so hard. You've had a rough go of it.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.


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