Oct 14, 2012 - 10:19 pm
Hello everyone. My name is Angie. My husband and I have been married for 15.5 years. We have faced many hardships throughout our marriage but October 5th brought the toughest battle yet. My wonderful husband was diagnosed with cancer. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. When his newest doctor found his white blood count to be super high and saw "concerning" things in his CT scan I had a feeling we would be getting hard news. I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was. On Tuesday the 9th we went to our first meeting with the second Oncologist (long story. If anyone wants to know the whole back story I'll post it later. Needless to say 1st Oncologist told my husband that he was fine and just looking for pain meds). It was at this meeting on the 16th that we found out John (my husband) has Stage 4 Adenocarcinoma of unknown origin which has spread to his Lymph Nodes and his adrenal glands. The Oncologist has scheduled a multitude of tests to try and find the origin, and tomorrow is round 1--Colonoscopy and Endoscopy. Well maybe not the Colonoscopy considering John hasn't been able to hold down the Colyte. I am terrified that I am not going to be the caregiver he needs. Will he see my worry as being babyish, will he understand why I'm pushing him to eat, take his meds, exercise, get all these tests done the longer he is fighting this fight. Will I be a real help to him or will I make things worse? Should I cry in front of him, or hold it in until I'm alone? Do I bring up conversations about cancer or wait for him to do it? Will I know what to say and when to say it? And not only am I his caregiver, but also the caregiver to our two girls (Krystina--12 years and Emilee--5 years). How in the world am I supposed to help them understand and deal with this? So many questions and worry and not a darn answer in sight. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else other than right here by his side helping him fight this fight. But dang if I'm not terrified I'm gonna cause more harm than good.