Its Friday!!!

garym
garym Member Posts: 1,647
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied..
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
«134

Comments

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Words of wisdom?
    Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

    -------------------------------------------------

    My sex life is like a Ferrari...
    I don't have a Ferrari.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding was. He is going to be real pissed when he finds out what the divorce is going to cost.

    -------------------------------------------------

    My mother-in0law is coming for a visit...
    I had to clear out half my closet so she would have a place to sleep hanging upside down.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I once won an argument with a woman...
    In this dream I had.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I'm writing a book about reverse psychology...
    Please don't buy it.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I tried exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, and my heart raced. I got sweaty all over and short of breath, very dangerous.

    -------------------------------------------------

    My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing this?"

    -------------------------------------------------

    If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick?"

    Never give two names.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Its funny, when my wife gives me the "silent treatment", she thinks its a punishment.

    -------------------------------------------------

    If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would want to.
    I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I'm annoying.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Men have feelings too...
    Foe example, sometimes we feel hungry.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong...

    I can't wait to find out what it was.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    The Zen of Sarcasm ...
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.





    2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.




    3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.




    4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





    5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.





    6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.




    7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




    8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.




    9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.





    10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




    11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.




    12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.




    13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.




    14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.




    15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.




    16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




    17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.




    18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • Max Power
    Max Power Member Posts: 60
    garym said:

    The Zen of Sarcasm ...
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.





    2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.




    3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.




    4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





    5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.





    6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.




    7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




    8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.




    9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.





    10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




    11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.




    12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.




    13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.




    14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.




    15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.




    16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




    17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.




    18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    ...
    A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally, his wife simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
    To which he quickly replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
    On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    The Zen of Sarcasm ...
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.





    2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.




    3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.




    4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





    5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.





    6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.




    7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




    8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.




    9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.





    10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




    11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.




    12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.




    13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.




    14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.




    15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.




    16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




    17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.




    18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    Heaven...
    Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

    St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

    St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

    “The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

    "No. The Pearly Gates."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    The Zen of Sarcasm ...
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.





    2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.




    3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.




    4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





    5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.





    6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.




    7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




    8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.




    9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.





    10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




    11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.




    12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.




    13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.




    14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.




    15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.




    16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




    17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.




    18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    From my serious side...
    Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!



    STORY NUMBER ONE



    Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.



    Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.



    To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.



    Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.



    Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.



    And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.



    Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.



    One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.



    He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.



    Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.



    The poem read:



    "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just

    when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own.

    Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."



    STORY NUMBER TWO



    World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.



    He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrierLexington in the South Pacific.



    One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.



    He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.



    His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.



    As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.



    The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.



    Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.



    Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.



    Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.



    Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.



    Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WWII, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.



    A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WWII hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.



    So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.



    SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?



    Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.



    (Pretty cool, eh!)
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    The Zen of Sarcasm ...
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.





    2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.




    3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.




    4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





    5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.





    6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.




    7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




    8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.




    9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.





    10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




    11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.




    12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.




    13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.




    14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.




    15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.




    16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




    17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.




    18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    And...More blonde jokes...
    A blonde's friend told her, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."

    The blonde then said, "Well I hope it's not the 13th."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.



    One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"



    The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"



    She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.



    "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.



    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."



    The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.



    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"



    She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.



    Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"



    She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



    "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.



    "Here boy!" she replies.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her feet.



    "What the heck you doing?" he asks.



    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.



    "It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.



    "I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    (Now this one actually makes sense... lol )



    An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off

    their boats into the water?"



    To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
  • alice124
    alice124 Member Posts: 896 Member
    garym said:

    From my serious side...
    Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!



    STORY NUMBER ONE



    Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.



    Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.



    To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.



    Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.



    Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.



    And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.



    Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.



    One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.



    He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.



    Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.



    The poem read:



    "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just

    when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own.

    Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."



    STORY NUMBER TWO



    World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.



    He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrierLexington in the South Pacific.



    One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.



    He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.



    His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.



    As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.



    The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.



    Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.



    Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.



    Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.



    Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.



    Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WWII, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.



    A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WWII hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.



    So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.



    SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?



    Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.



    (Pretty cool, eh!)

    true stories
    Wow Gary.

    You have this uncanny ability to make us laugh, to make us cry, and to make us worry about how much time you have 'til your wife takes you out.

    P.S. This one was a chill and tear maker.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    alice124 said:

    true stories
    Wow Gary.

    You have this uncanny ability to make us laugh, to make us cry, and to make us worry about how much time you have 'til your wife takes you out.

    P.S. This one was a chill and tear maker.

    Balance...
    Thank you Alice, you are too kind...I do find life to be a balance of laughter and tears and while I seem blessed with a wicked sense of humor my soft and serious side is easily more powerful.

    I do hope you meant take me out to dinner and not the woodshed!! LOL

    Gary
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    And...More blonde jokes...
    A blonde's friend told her, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."

    The blonde then said, "Well I hope it's not the 13th."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.



    One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"



    The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"



    She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.



    "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.



    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."



    The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.



    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"



    She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.



    Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"



    She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



    "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.



    "Here boy!" she replies.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her feet.



    "What the heck you doing?" he asks.



    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.



    "It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.



    "I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    (Now this one actually makes sense... lol )



    An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off

    their boats into the water?"



    To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

    VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
    With apologies to the prudish:


    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
    to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
    of me wife !"
    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
    toast of the night !
    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
    prize for the Best toast of The night."
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
    life, sitting in church beside me wife."
    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
    buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
    leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
    night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
    surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
    there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
    the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
    asleep".
  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,024 Member

    VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
    With apologies to the prudish:


    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
    to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
    of me wife !"
    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
    toast of the night !
    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
    prize for the Best toast of The night."
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
    life, sitting in church beside me wife."
    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
    buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
    leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
    night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
    surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
    there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
    the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
    asleep".

    If you follow football...
    Just received a cartoon from my Bro.
    Two trick or teaters, a ghost and a monster with his face mask up looking into the sack as they walk away from the guy's porch. The monster looks into the bag and says, "Sh--! More Auburn Tickets."
    Auburn's not doing too well.
    So Go Oregon State U!!!
    Donna
  • Max Power
    Max Power Member Posts: 60
    garym said:

    And...More blonde jokes...
    A blonde's friend told her, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."

    The blonde then said, "Well I hope it's not the 13th."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.



    One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"



    The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"



    She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.



    "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.



    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."



    The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.



    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"



    She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.



    Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"



    She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



    "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.



    "Here boy!" she replies.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A blonde is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her feet.



    "What the heck you doing?" he asks.



    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.



    "It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.



    "I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    (Now this one actually makes sense... lol )



    An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off

    their boats into the water?"



    To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

    History they don't tell you.
    One of the most sought-after of the Spice Islands (now Indonesia) was the little island of Run where nutmeg, thought to have medicinal value, was found. Early on the English claimed it, but in 1615 the Dutch took over the area and cleared out the English.

    In 1667, after a long Dutch-English war, England finally won. Among other treaty disputes was regaining ownership of Run. The Dutch didn't want to give it up so they offered in exchange another remote and fairly unused island, called Manhattan.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Max Power said:

    History they don't tell you.
    One of the most sought-after of the Spice Islands (now Indonesia) was the little island of Run where nutmeg, thought to have medicinal value, was found. Early on the English claimed it, but in 1615 the Dutch took over the area and cleared out the English.

    In 1667, after a long Dutch-English war, England finally won. Among other treaty disputes was regaining ownership of Run. The Dutch didn't want to give it up so they offered in exchange another remote and fairly unused island, called Manhattan.

    For TW, iceman, and any other lawyers out there...
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts:
    ______________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
    has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh**ting me?
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes..
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ _______
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
    time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No .
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    For TW, iceman, and any other lawyers out there...
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts:
    ______________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
    has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh**ting me?
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes..
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ _______
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
    time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No .
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    There is an important lesson here ladies...
    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

    "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all
    my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you go to the country club and waste it on golf?"

    "No, I had to quit playing golf when I gave up drinking."

    "Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, golf and hunting ."
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    There is an important lesson here ladies...
    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

    "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all
    my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you go to the country club and waste it on golf?"

    "No, I had to quit playing golf when I gave up drinking."

    "Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, golf and hunting ."

    I'm not saying he's fat
    but you should see him when he has a wave of mass hysteria!
  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,024 Member

    I'm not saying he's fat
    but you should see him when he has a wave of mass hysteria!

    Don't hit me-you are the ones who write it.
    As I said, for you gentlemen on various and assorted drugs have repeatedly stated you are happy when things shrink.
    Hah!! That'll be the day.
    Donna
  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181
    donna_lee said:

    Don't hit me-you are the ones who write it.
    As I said, for you gentlemen on various and assorted drugs have repeatedly stated you are happy when things shrink.
    Hah!! That'll be the day.
    Donna

    Make my day
    Talk dirty to me Donna, talk dirty to me.
  • pjune127
    pjune127 Member Posts: 127
    foxhd said:

    Make my day
    Talk dirty to me Donna, talk dirty to me.

    small is good too


    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

    The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

    The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, butthought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

    The woman with the Chihuahua said..............................
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.....g Chihuahua?!"
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    pjune127 said:

    small is good too


    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

    The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

    The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, butthought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

    The woman with the Chihuahua said..............................
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.....g Chihuahua?!"

    Political humor...
    This one seems to recirculate every 4 years, of course the name changes.

    One sunny day in January 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
    The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again just walked away.

    The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Political humor...
    This one seems to recirculate every 4 years, of course the name changes.

    One sunny day in January 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
    The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again just walked away.

    The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

    The old irish nun...
    In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:


    " DON'T SELL THAT COW."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    The old irish nun...
    In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:


    " DON'T SELL THAT COW."

    Goats...
    You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Boys:

    At a high school in Florida , a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

    But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
    1, 2 and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No.3.

    And you thought there was nothing to do in Florida !