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Have you ever blown your cool with the loved one with cancer?

Posts: 51
Joined: Jul 2009

My wife is on hospice care, but still has a clear mind. Today, her parent's came over to help her bathe (the mom did that) and my wife went down for a nap. I took off for a bit, needing to get out of the house.

When I returned, my wife waved me off, upset that I wasn't at home when she awoke from her nap. She has the hardest part in all this, and I know that.

Still, I have to take a deep breath sometimes and not lose it. It's so hard...constantly lifting her up, getting her everything thing she needs (food, drink, meds, taking her to the bathroom, lifting her from the toilet, etc).

Again, I know I have it easy compared to her, but it doesn't mean I have it 'easy.' Care taking is the hardest, saddest, most frustrating work I've ever done.

What's your coping mechanism? How do you stay sane?

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

To answer your question, yes, I blew my cool every now and then with my husband. I always felt guilty about it afterward, but hey, we are just human. We do the best we can at the time, but that doesn't mean we're not going to blow it occassionly. One of the best things about these boards is that we can come here and vent to people who understand. And yes, you do need to get out once in awhile. Maybe, you can take a walk the next time your in-laws are there. You wife may be frightened about being alone, about needing help when she's alone. On the other hand, I can remember when going grocery shopping was an escape when my husband was ill and dying. We actually hired someone to just be there for awhile one day a week while I ran errands. Most of the time, through sheer determination, he was mobile, but even then it was a comfort for both of us to know he had someone there. Remember, you need to take care of yourself, too. Otherwise you will be unable to care for others. Fay

dianelynn41's picture
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2011

I try to keep it together and remember he's got it the worst. But life is stressful, my job is stressful and I'm only human. When I have a bad and I'm not so patient or I'm bad about something else he takes it personally. I tried telling him that I'm allowed bad days too but that didn't fly to well with him. So if I've had a bad or feeling stressed I try to take a deep breath before I go into the room with him. Because I also have to get him his food, drink, meds and help with ostomy and urine bags and get him dressed and undressed.
Some days I think it's more than I can handle but then I think someday he might not be here and I would do all this all over again.
And everyone tells me to take care of myself but how do I do that. He won't let anyone else help. Not enough hours in the day.

Posts: 1846
Joined: Aug 2010

I definitely "blow my cool" every now and then with my husband.

If I didn't, I do believe Jim would think it was all put on and I wasn't showing any of my true emotions going through this process. Jim is in remission now but he knows how hard caregiving was and is.

You are human: that she wasn't happy you weren't right there might mean you need to get away just a bit more often. Might be good for both of you, Tubbs.

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