Widowhood is a very dark lonely place

slg said:

A common bond we have
Thank you to both of you. I have visited many grief support groups in these past 7 months and also see a grief counselor and everything I have heard is not to make too many drastic changes in the first year. I assumed that's because we are not in our right minds!!! I did have to sell his car right away as he hadn't driven it in 6 months and I was paying insurance on it. I didn't care for it so it was not an issue... Then the refrigerator broke and soon after the dishwasher flooded my kitchen.. So I ended up replacing all the appliances at the same time.
I am sleeping alone in a king size bed and have considered switching it out to a queen! Not there yet as I still sleep on his side of the bed.
I remember so well when I had to fill out a form at my counselor's office and had to check the box "widow". I started crying. I have only had to experience that one other time. I still feel married and continue to wear my wedding ring. I do acknowledge that I know he's not here nor coming back.. It still hurts though....

Carl_Renee said:

7 mos ago today
We read on the cancer forums pertaining mostly to colorectal cancer even after it came back and hit up his liver at which point after surgery and several weeks in ICU he never came home.

Some days it seems so long ago and others seems just yesterday he was by my side and we were encouraging each other as he went down this journey. He started his battle in 2010 and ended it March 23rd of this year. Next year would have marked 20yrs together. We are now entering probably the hardest part of the 1st year grief journey as we will be hitting mile marker after mile marker. I got thru the rest of the year but worry about the rest coming up. From Thanksgiving to our oldest will be 18 to Christmas, New Years, the day in Jan we found out the cancer spread to his liver to surgery day to never coming home again.

I don't feel time is a healer but rather you learn to live the new normal that is still very full of ups and downs.

Renee

slg said:

I have not been on this site for a while but as I just read both of your comments i still feel the same. I agree, it seems like just yesterday and yet so much has gone on that it also feels so long ago. Many "first" have come and gone and I have gotten through them. While in a Grief and Bereavement Group not to very long ago, another woman made the comment, "good days, and bad days". I realized I used to say that too and don't anymore. I just say I'm "ok".
Most recently, I have managed to walk my youngest daughter down the aisle, took a trip to New Orleans to meet two CSN members in person, celebrate my husband's 65th Birthday with an Honor Guard Ceremony and Remembrance Celebration afterwards. I am so glad that I did not end up with the Honor Guard Ceremony back in January for his services. Through no fault of my own, it did not work out back then. This was much better to have had some space in between and it meant a lot to honor him for his Birthday.. My mind was clearer too. The final was facing surgery without him! That was a hard one to do but I got through it and am now hojme recovering..
I too, don't like to use the "W" word and have also put single instead. Although the first year is supposed to be the hardest getting through all those "firsts", I do think the second will also...
I wish you both well and do understand how you feel as I am feeling the same.
Sue

slg said:

Thanks, Carole
I do hope I will be better in two years but I know the holidays will always be a problem.. Just got my first invite for Christmas. I can't even think that far ahead and don't really want to go. Will have to see as we get closer.
They need to come up with a new description for those you have lost their spouses..
I still wear my wedding ring but have locked his up. I did wear it briefly right after he passed away but I am afraid of the diamond coming out so decided to lock it up..
I am old fashioned in a way and feel I must respect his memory and will continue to wear my ring on the ring finger but at some point think it must change hands.
He will always be with me in one way or another but have to make some changes for myself..
Keep in touch. We all must stick together.
Sue

grandmafay said:

Widow
Before anything else, I want to say that I feel your pain. It takes me back to my first year as a widow. I didn't even realize that I was one until I had to check one of those widow boxes where it said marital status. I knew my husband had died. Knew? It was my first thought each morning and my last thought at night. I just hadn't applied the widow word to describe myself. I am not going to tell you that time will heal your hurt. For me, three years into this new life, I can tell you that I am adjusting. My pain is still here, but it has mellowed. I have charged some things. I no longer even try to eat at the table. For some reason that was just torture for me. I changed out our queen bed to a daybed. Our bedroom is small, so it didn't make sense to have a queen when I didn't need one. I am planning my first solo trip in 45 years. I need to do this for me. I love to travel and have taken several trips since Doug died, but I have done so with family. I'm somewhat terrified, but I'm also determined. I can only imagine your pain at your daughter's wedding. All of those family things remain hard for me. Doug lived longer than anyone expected, surviving a little over 6 years. During that time, we were blessed with our fourth granddaughter. Our sons both received promotions, and we took some trips with family as well as on our own. We also made it to our 42nd anniversary. I am still grieving. I will always grieve for him. Some days are still just plain difficult to live through. That's ok. I now accept those days. I guess that's what they mean by acceptance, not accepting the death but accepting the pain. Knowing that it is a part of our lives now. I am who I am today because of our shared life and his death. He faced his death with faith, love, and courage. My job now is to live as well as he died. Prayers and hugs, Fay

My husband died 3 years ago after a rapid form of cancer.  He only had his diagnosis 4 weeks before he died.  I didn't cry for 2 years.  He was gone, but somehow it wasn't real to me.  I'm partially blind and had to put my glasses where I could find them.  The firsts were hard but even now I find Sundays terrible.  I stay in the house alone, looking at his empty chair.  I tried the going for walks, but then you just see other couples holding hands and it reminds you of the happy times that cannot be replaced.  The love is still there and always will be.  The loneliness is terrible though.  Coming home from work on a dark night and finding that the lights are off and the surprise hot meal isn't ready.  You can do it for yourself some days, but other days, like today, easter sunday, It's hard.  Hearing that I'm not the only person feeling that I have to eat my dinner away from the table makes me realise that I'm not going crazy.  Thanks.   

Hi,

  My husband had liver cancer and in other places we didn't know he had cancer until 2 weeks before he died.

It has been two months and i am having a hard time I am so sory for your loss and I can't even Imagine what you were feeling when you walked your daughter down the aisle.

My husband & I married when I ws 15 and he was 18 was married 33 years  Thanks for posting it helps to see how other people are coping.