Aug 21, 2012 - 2:54 am
We are home from the hospital. We have hospice now. I'm probably the only person who has ever said this but I HATE HATE HATE hospice. Oh, they are nice enough and helpful but I hate strangers in my house, trying to hug me though I've only known them an hour, talking to me about things I don't want to talk about, telling me that they won't pay for pradaxa or metformin (blood thinner med and diabetes med,) asking if Inhave chosen a funeral home, how I doing....endless questions....
I wake up in the morning and cry. I dry my face, get up, and go through the ritual of feeding and medicating David through his peg. Clean him, get him comfortable. Turn onTV like always, say my usual cheery "let's see what's going on in the world today." First thing on tv: a commercial showing a guy David's age running on the beach holding hands with a beautiful girl. Change the channel, it's a commercial for Applebee's with delicious looking food that David will never eat again. Change channel, it's a Reebok commercial showing young people doing cross fit training like David loved to do. Next channel, Cancer Centers of America commercial. Next channel, basketball---David's game. I finally put on an animal show and go cry my head off in the shower. Get out, call hospice, cry some more---but get decision reversed and they will cover metformin and pradaxa. Head out to pharmacy and see David's sporty little car in my driveway with a layer of dust on it. David never let it get dirty. Cried while I drove---I could barely see. Came home and curled up on my recliner in David's room--five minutes later, hospice shows up.
So that's what my days are like. In bed now, crying again. Will the pain ever get any easier to bear? Or will it hurt this bad until David draws his last breath? It's killing me too.