New mom without a mom

My mom passed away this past Saturday morning, 7/21. She was diagnosed back in March, had surgery in April to remove the mass in her throat, and was given 6 weeks to recover so we could start radiation, but she never recovered. Everything that could have went wrong did. Pneumonia, strokes, cardiac arrest... All of this stopped her recovery, and 1 month ago we were told it was back. Docs said there's nothing we can do. I think today it finally hit me, she's gone. I've been so busy making arrangements I hadn't really stopped. This pain is so overwhelming, I feel physically sick quite often. The part I am most heartbroken over is that I gave birth to my first child, and my
Moms first granddaughter, on 5/17. I had to go through it alone. I had to go though being a new, scared mom alone. I started off being mad at my mom. How dare she leave me like this??! How dare she get sick and abandon me when I needed her most?! Then the sadness came on strong when I found out we would lose our battle. I thought I had kind of started grieving then, but maybe I was still in denial even 3 weeks ago. Now that she really is gone, I am heartbroken beyond compare. She only got to see her granddaughter twice. As I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face on to my 10 week old who is sleeping curled up next to me. My poor dad is exhausted from driving up to the hospital 4 times a day to be with her. We all say " it's better this way, she's not suffering", but that's just filler and BS. Truth is I'm pissed she's gone and devastated. I wonder how people move on from this? I would love to hear from new moms who have lost their moms. I'd love to hear from anybody about how they have coped. I still don't think it's hit me. The service is in 2 days so maybe it will then. I even thought to myself today, " oh I'll just call mom for that recipe"... Wow. I am thankful for my baby because if she wasn't here I would be drinking myself into oblivion and probably do something real stupid.