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Why am i not happier?

omrhill
Posts: 125
Joined: May 2012

On Friday I got the news that radiation had completely removed my rectal tumor. We will still do surgery in August to remove the affected area and lymph nodes, but the oncologist even went so far as to say I might be able to avoid Folfox mopup after surgery. So... all this good news - why am i not happier? Everyone around me is ready to throw a party yet I am still subdued. Has anyone else felt this way?

Thanks!
Robin

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3322
Joined: Jan 2010

I think we often are afraid to believe in the good news because we were all so blindsided by the original diagnosis.

I think we also have that fear in the back of our minds that it could come back.

It is difficult, if not impossible, for someone who has not had cancer to understand these feelings.

Just try to take the good news and let it enfold you. Enjoy every moment of it.

By the way, Congratulations on the great news.

Marie who loves kitties

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6125
Joined: Feb 2009

There is always doubt. Such a terrible way to live with that word. We hang onto every wonderful positive thought and comment and then still think, but but and but. It's hard to wrap yourself around news like that because you are afraid to think it possible. Just take time to deal what you have to now. Get done what you need to and then go with what happens after surgery. Think the best, but also, consider the alternatives. We have to be optimistic, but realistic. Good luck on surgery and great news.

Kim

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

My guess is you are wondering about the WHAT IF and WHAT WILL COME?

I will put it out there as others may not...

What will be found when that do that surgery and run the pathology of that lymph node and area..

I don't think this is unrational.. I think it is very human..

While the news is good.. it will take time for you to come to terms with it..

August is just about a week away.. so the WHAT iF will soon resolve itself..

Take the time you need and the results will proof themselfs soon...

Bets Wishes for the best possible results..

Take care of you.. and live in the moment with those who want to party..
Donna

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

My guess is you are wondering about the WHAT IF and WHAT WILL COME?

I will put it out there as others may not...

What will be found when that do that surgery and run the pathology of that lymph node and area..

I don't think this is unrational.. I think it is very human..

While the news is good.. it will take time for you to come to terms with it..

August is just about a week away.. so the WHAT iF will soon resolve itself..

Take the time you need and the results will proof themselfs soon...

Bets Wishes for the best possible results..

Take care of you.. and live in the moment with those who want to party..
Donna

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4884
Joined: May 2005

First, I am happy to hear that your prognosis is very good, that's always great to hear! Second, while most all people really want to hear good news, when YOU hear it and when one's family hear it I think it means two different things many times. Our friends and family seem to take good news as fact while we seem to take good news with a grain of salt. At least that has been my experience.

I'm always (or I try to be) cautiously optimistic with any news get but I also understand the gravity of my situation and how thin the line is between health and the absence of health (Dis-ease). We all want to be rid of cancer but often it doesn't retreat after the first line of attack has finished.

Things DO look promising and I really hope all goes well.
But I've found it doesn't hurt to keep one's guard up...
-phil

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

Lots of folks have already said wonderful things. Given the nature of navigating this cancer world, I strive to cross bridges when I come to them. Easier said then done, but worth practicing.

Congrats on your great response to the neoadjuvant therapy, and that you might NOT need FOLFOX. Enjoy and savor this moment as best you can.

all the best, Leslie

danker's picture
danker
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2012

Only you can make yourself happy! But then no one can make you unhappy unless you let them. In the movie "STIR CRAZY " Gene Wilder was chained to the ceiling and floor by his wrists and ankles,
s. When they came to release him, he said," can I stay a few more days? My back has never felt so good." LOL So enjoy the good news and good days.

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Because you realize that the colon cancer isn't cured at the moment, that you have to live with the "what if's", but your family is just so darn grateful that the cancer didn't take you away from them, and they hear that it will be gone, they think exactly that, that the cancer will be gone and never seen again. You and I and so many others however, understand the feeling of waiting for "the other shoe to drop", the knowing it might come back some day, for some sooner then for others, that we don't exactly feel cured. That we understand this d@mn cancer was hidden in our bodies before and "what if" it's hiding again, only to surprise us when we least expect it, and we have to start the cycle of trying to kill it off once again. I think it tends to leave an "aura" of slight gloom to our psyches that we cannot control, maybe this is what you're feeling, then again maybe not. Just giving out my theory on my own darn self I think!!!!
Thinking about you,
Winter Marie

steved
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

I do think that the person with cancer has a different perspective on a lot of things than those around us and often we don't appreciate the perspective of the carer that well. It certainly took some quite hard and difficult conversations with my wife over the years for me to truly understand what she goes through and how different it is from what I go through.

At good news a carer will often see their job as being positive, reinforcing the good news and being seen to celebrate it. In truth, those close to you probably share the same doubts and hesitations you have but it is not accepted for carers to show pessimism- that is one of teh burdens they carry that I took a long time to understand. We as they patient are allowed to say all the things that worry us but carers often aren't allowed to for fear of seeming unsupportive.

Your feelings ar natural.It is early days and cautious optimism is all we ever seem to allow ourselves. In truth many of us go through this preparing for the worst because anything less than that is success and it is the wosrt ie this thing kills us, that ahunts us all. You know well enough that cure comes in time and premature celebration feels like tempting fate, so you are able to express your real feelings. Who ever is closer to you probably has those same feeelings but sees their role as being the one that shoots down your doubts and focus on the positives.

In truth you are making great progress but you know it is a long journey. However, you could not have wanted for a better start- congratulations. Allow yourself one quiet pleased moment with your progress- you deserve it.

steve

tommycat's picture
tommycat
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

Maybe you're not happier because you're still in a slight state of shock? I think I was mentally/emotionally numb during most of my treatment time, and you still have a way to go.
However, it does sound like things are improving for you...put that golden nugget of good news in your brain and maybe it'll slowly make its way into your reality.
Wishing you only the best!
Tommycat

omrhill
Posts: 125
Joined: May 2012

Really helpful and on point feedback. Steve - your perspective on perspectives is something i hadn't considered - that caregivers may not feel free to express anything other than positive support. I need to remember that. Especially for my sister who is my primary carer - i don't think she has ever told me she is scared, yet I know she must be. I would like for her to share that with me. It is part of this and she is living with it almost as much as i am. Much food for thought.

One of my first pieces of advice for new cancer patients ( when asked for it, of course) is to find a support group of other cancer patients. No one understands like other patients. Thank you all.

Robin

steved
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

My wife has ended up seeking support for herself due to impact of this on her. She has found huge value in meeting with a counsellor at the cancer centre we use and she has helped us communicate better. She also used a specific carers website where she was put in contact with a group of 10-12 other carers of people with cancer in a similar position (she joined a young carers group mainly with other women with children which really helped). The website she used was:
http://www.cancercare.org/

Perhaps consider passing the info on to your sister. I sometimes think being a carer for some one with cancer is harder than having it. If our ultimate fear comes true and we die of this, our problems are over but theirs only continue. I guess in truth it is wrong to think who has the harder burden- both suck but they certainly have different challenges.

steve

Momof2plusteentwins's picture
Momof2plusteentwins
Posts: 507
Joined: May 2012

I know what you mean - when I get good news I'm happy for a short moment then back to thinking bad thoughts. My husband will say what's wrong that is good news and I'll say yeah but this or that. I feel like cancer has taken away my total happiness and now chemo Folfox is sucking the rest out of me.
Sandy

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1388
Joined: May 2012

I think we all are doing the same thing. The what ifs. My cousin is 17 years out and she says the what ifs become less and less over the years but they always get you once in awhile when you have an appt. coming up. Meanwhile, congratulations on the disappearance of your tumor, it's still wonderful news in the end and with the surgery we'll rename you NED!

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi Robyn,

Its a great result, I too had a complete response to my 25 doses of radio and chemo. I too had the rectal out.

I had clear margins, in the surgery, I still did 6 months folfox.

6 months later I started to have rising cea problems. I feel great have this worrisome marker. So I hope whatever you decide gives you the healthiest outcome.

In my heart I have no regrets about my 6 months folfox. Even if it left me with platinum heavy metal poisoning.

Hugs,
Pete

mskautz
Posts: 30
Joined: May 2012

I have been dealing with this since Jan 31, first I was in big denial, then came the surgery...hell, started to feel better and then chemo...hell I have had people tell me how good I look,even the DR, and the other onc dr. calls me a cancer survivor, that the chemo is prevention, but I agree so much with what everyone else said and even though I have good news the fear,anxiety, and constant thinking is still there and I notice my depression getting worse and constantly look for symptoms. So I guess it's normal. Wish I could meet with someone nearby, are we allowed to say where we're from? I'm in Fullerton California.

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