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Back to Reality... And It Sucks!

Vickilg's picture
Vickilg
Posts: 281
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi everyone! Just got back from a 4 day cruise my husband booked for our family before the S*** hits the fan again. I have to say, if you can do it, take a cruise. No connections to phone, email, etc. I truly disconnected from the whole cancer thing and it did a world of good for my well being. I started feeling really good mid-way through the cruise. Surely they had to be mistaken about the seriousness of my cancer because I feel way too good to be this sick. Well, anyway... we created a lot of great memories.

Now back to reality (which unfortunately hit as soon as we got back to Miami).

I have an appointment for a second opinion on Friday. On Monday I do another scan with the original doctor to see if God forbid more cancer has shown up. I then meet with my original doctor next Wednesday. So by next Thursday or Friday I will need to make a decision on which doctor I go to and if I can beat this cancer into remission. Fearing I will be told it is worse, fearing they are going to tell me the time I have left comment again, fearing the second opinion doctor isn't going to be able to save me.

I am even questioning my whole Vegan thing. I was doing Vegan and the cancer came back worse so do I just say the hell with it and eat what I want.

Any way, sorry... I just need to vent and you guys are the only ones that can understand.

tommycat's picture
tommycat
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

Thinking of you Vikki....
Really hope you hear some encouraging words from the doctor.
Hang in there, okay?
Hugs,
Tommycat

danker
Posts: 1237
Joined: Apr 2012

If you can, Just assume everything is going to go exceptionally well this week. It could you know. As much as cancer sucks, we tend to make it worse with unhappy expectations. Each day this week, just think of all the fun you had on the cruise, and nothing else. You will get through this. Don;t make it worse than it is. LOL Lots of hugs to you!

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6481
Joined: Feb 2009

So glad that you had such a great time on vacation. It's always nice to get away from everything going trough what you are. It is hard to come back to reality and go to doctors, tests, scans, etc. I'll usually try to schedule everything for one month so as not to drag it out, but it's still high anxiety. I'm praying that all goes well with your tests and that you get some encouraging news from your second doctor.

Kim

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Glad you had a great time on the cruise, Vicki! I'm hoping for an Alaska cruise sometime next year. Like Dan said, focus on the trip and good thoughts. That negative energy doesn't do any good at all. As for your diet, do what makes you happy. Cancer has robbed so many of our pleasures so we should indulge ourselves in those things that do make us happy. One of the things that makes me very happy is a light lunch of salami, cheese and crackers with a nice glass of ruby port followed my a short nap in my rocker next to the fireplace. Find something like that which gives you a lot of pleasure and it will make the waiting game easier.

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012

Vicki it is hard not to dwell on the negative possibilities but there are also good things like the cruise to focus on. Very hopeful that you will have great test results and the new doctor will have new possibilities. Hugs of hope and caring Scanxiety flat Sucks Art

Vickilg's picture
Vickilg
Posts: 281
Joined: Jan 2011

Thank you all for responding. I know I have been whiney lately. I am sorry. You all make me feel better about things. I try to be strong and brave for family and friends but on this site I let go. Love you all!

Big hug!

Vicki

k44454445's picture
k44454445
Posts: 494
Joined: Jul 2012

try to think about the wonderful cruise & look at the pictures you took to put a smile on your face. the waiting game is very hard but know that you are in the thoughts & prayers of many people!
hang in there
judy

smokeyjoe
Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Vicki I'm joining you in the whiney department right now too!!! Need company??? I keep rehashing in my head what oncologist said and am questioning my decision to try Xeloda....he questioned why I want to try Xeldoa when Folfiri beat it down so I was able to get those 10 months off chemo. I guess maybe his thinking was we'd get that out of Folfiri again, but he'd go with my decision....I said I wanted to try the Xeloda...I see him every two weeks so I suppose I can switch...faaaaaac....back to crying at the drop of a hat!!!!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

(((Vicki)))

(((Smoke)))

-c

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Wow, got close to a couple of song titles there! I'm gonna toss my hat into the ring and admit that I've been having a pity party the past couple of weeks. It does kinda suck having to be strong for the family all the time, especially when there's no one to hold me and let me be afraid.

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

it is so tough to live with the unknown..
But those that have told you to stay positive are right..
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst too.. but don't dwell there... allow yourself 1 hour and then more on..
I know easier said than done.. but I try this and sometimes i do succeed..

I will be praying for you .. and that you find some peace during the waiting....

PS.. I too am waiting on scan to be done.. so I am in the same boat sort of..

steved
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

This is the place to whine, scream, shout and off load. You will never be judged and we all understand as we all need to do it at times. And then we all need to get back on the horse and keep going.

It is a rollercoaster and the lows seem to last unfairly longer than any highs but in truth without the low we wouldn't really be as appreciative of the highs as we are. Without the problems you have faced the cruise may have just been another holiday- now it will hold special memories because you made the most of it and truly appreciated how fabulous each moment in life like that really is- and at risk of being a bit ridiculous, cancer gave you that gift of being more appreciative of those moments.

In truth life is full of ups and downs for everyone and it is a matter of trudging through the lows, finding pleasure when and where we can, not dwelling in them longer than we need to and fighting through as on the other side lies another special and fabulous moment in our lives.

Yes, scream and shout and we are here to listen. We are also here to give you that gentle slap on the face and say get back on with it- you can do this:)

Same goes for you Smokejoe! I have an endless supply of slaps if people need them.

steve

janie1
Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

I'm RSVPing for this pity party......Steve's slap offerings made my decision - lol.

Seriously, we are all in this together, though it feels so dang lonely.
I feel like i know many of you, more than i know friends & relatives.
I hate to give cancer credit for anything, but there sure are GREAT people here.

Will be thinking about you as you get another opinion, and going forward with the most suitable doctor.

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Hey Steve, Ian Drury and the Blockheads might be a bit before your time and a bit UK for others on this side of the Pond, but ...

Hit me with your rhythm stick
Hit me slowly
Hit me quick!
It's fun to be a lunatic
Just hit me with your rhythm stick

steved
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

At risk of railroading a perfectly sensible conversation, Iam Drury is a great choice of guys to quote. He was disabled by childhood polioand yetwnet on to great success and always carried strong disdain for self pity. Famously he wrote Spasticus Autisticus as a rant against the International YEar of teh Disabled which he found patronising. Great lyrics to remember when self pity strikes:

So place your hard-earned peanuts in my tin
And thank the Creator you're not in the state I'm in
So long have I been languished on the shelf
I must give all proceedings to myself

He wouldn't have tolerated us sitting around feeling worry for ourselves just cause we got the short straw with cancer.

So slow and quick hits with my rhythm stick dispensed to any who need one:
Hit me with your rhythm stick.
Hit me! Hit me!
Das ist gut! C'est fantastique!
Hit me! hit me! hit me!
Hit me with your rhythm stick.
It's nice to be a lunatic.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me

steve

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