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pattyanny's picture
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2009

Yes, I am still here. I was diagnosed and went through chemo & rads in 2009. I left my husband in 2010. I lost my Dad, my Mom, his Dad, and his Mom went to a Nursing Home. I separated from my husband in 2010 after all this. Five weeks from my first clean PT/CT scan, my ex wanted to know when I was getting a job. (Laughable) I had a court date with him this week, and he brought an attorney, I did not because I have no money. He tells my daughter "Why doesn't your mother get a job, instead of asking me for more money?" I dragged myself to court, and was berated by the judge at full volume for wasting her time. (My husband can hire a lawyer, but not pay my minor daughters school expenses.) He later texted me and could not believe how weak, and frail I was physically. (Thanks a lot!)
I lost 10 more pounds in the last month, and now weigh 110 lbs at 5'9". It is a beautiful day, 89 degrees, and I thought I would go to the beach to pray, and clear my head. As I put some clothes on (long shorts and a T) I realized how pathetic I look! I cannot even go out. I used to love summer, and the beach. This is just too embarrassing. I had my last biopsy in April 2012, and again TYJ, it was negative. I am blessed. Yes, I have been strong all along, but treading water at this point in many aspects of my life. The only thing carrying me through this is my faith.
My children are at his house for the weekend, and I have yet to hear from my daughter who lives with me, or my son, who came home last weekend - I hear, from college.
I have decided to take care of number 1 - me! I cannot take more stress, and my children's choices are theirs to make at 17 and 21.
Thanks for listening. May God bless all my CSN friends with emotional & spiritual healing. It is a rough road, but we can get through this together.
Still Believing, Patty

Helen321's picture
Posts: 1346
Joined: May 2012

Hi Patty, first put on those shorts, grab that T and head to the beach! No one is going to care what you look like at the beach, they don't know you, you don't know them. We have all seen people who are frail and we know they are ill and the majority just respect that and don't judge it. I'm 5-6 and I was once 95 pounds soaking wet. It happens. I'm now a healthy weight but that was such a hard time in my life and I still went out and enjoyed the sun. As for your exhusband, excuse my language, he can go to hell. People like that get off on making others feel bad about themselves because they don't feel good about themselves to begin with. That being said, are you against medications? You've been through so much and you don't have to take it for life but temporarily, it does help. Most people seem to tolerate Zoloft very well and it helps lift you up just until you get back on your feet. You can ask for a mood enhancer like welbutrin as well, they seem to work well together. I was originally against taking medications until someone said to me "if your lungs didn't work at the moment, would you take medication, then why not if you're brain is on the fritz". Best thing I ever did because I got back to being me for a good period of time. Before you know it you'll be able to get back to some level of normalcy and eating and be okay again naturally through exercise and healthy diet.

catwink22's picture
Posts: 276
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi Patty,

I have been through 2 divorces (before I was sick thankfully) and they are not pleasant, but this too shall pass. You are not alone, there are many who have been in these shoes. It’s tough when you have to go through it without an attorney, but there is a website for divorce advice, I have put the link below, click on your state. There is a forum to ask questions, articles, forms and explanations of laws that are easier to understand.


Go to the beach!! Really who cares what you look like? Not too many women and men like what they look like at the beach haha especially after you come crawling out of the water with everything sticking to you and your hair plastered down on your head (if you’re lucky enough to have any!) your peace of mind and soul are so much more important! Go to the beach and RELAX! Don’t have a care in the world for an hour or more if you can get your brain to shut off. Read a book and let your mind escape too for awhile. Your body has been through a war and you DESERVE to do things that make you happy (as long as they aren’t harmful).

Yes the kids are old enough to choose their way and it’s painful when you feel forsaken, but they always come back around and when they start having families of their own, your phone WILL be ringing.

Hope you are having a better day!


Helen321's picture
Posts: 1346
Joined: May 2012

On the hair topic. My daughter's friend who is 24 had a rare cancer, I'm not sure what kind, she was so secretive that she had it. Her sister told a few of us but we had to pretend we didn't know about the wigs, etc. Suddenly she went to the bahamas and I guess she felt like who the hell cares because she posted pics on facebook without hair. At some point I guess we all come to peace with whatever situation we're in. We're all people, we all have problems, some are visually obvious. I said good for her! She was smiling ear to ear with no hair=)

Posts: 24
Joined: Apr 2012

Hi I agree with other people. Put the shorts on and go enjoy the beach. The sun gives vitamin D and I think listening to the waves is relaxing. I also will tell you that the best thing I did was go on Zoloft. I am a caregiver and have had a lot of stress on top of the depression I fight everyday. The medicine gives me energy to get up in the morning and keep going. I also have a great therapist and things are managable for me. Taking care of yourself is number 1 at this point. Judges don't always see the whole picture which is unfortunate. Maybe there is a way you can get a lawyer who will work pro bono. I am so happy you are cancer free at this point. Keep fighting and try to smile. I can tell you are a great person and your faith will get you through the dark clouds. Have a great day and know that you are not alone even though it feels that way at times. God is always with you. Take care. I am proud of you.

Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

You've been thru the fire haven't you. You know the ex will find anything he can to bash you, so don't give him anymore emotional power to hurt you, I know easier said than done, but try.

I'm sure you don't look as bad as you think. Go to the beach, clear your mind, enjoy the sunshine, and allow God to refresh your spirit. You may be slim physically, but you are not weak. You have a POWERHOUSE spirit in you. Don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on God. He will not give up on you.

Take care, and stay strong

pattyanny's picture
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you all for your posts. I just received a call back from Legal Aid, and they cannot help me. I probably will be homeless, and have to send my daughter to live with the ex. I have just about exhausted all avenues since my last post, and if I did not have faith that God will bring me thru...well I don't want to go there. I have no problem with medication, but I cannot afford to pick up my prescriptions I have waiting at the druggist now.
Please keep me in your prayers, as you are in mine. I cannot do this anymore.

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Patty, You know the shpeil about keeping positive and believing in yourself so I won't bore you with that, you know it well. Sometimes we hear things over and over again but then someone says the same old same old just a little bit differently and all of a sudden it makes sense - we are READY to hear it. I think you are at that point and your friends above here are hammering out their messages of support and I think you are more than ready to take them in. Many of us have been where you are and we come out of it, you have to believe that, especially when you have your faith.

You said that you have nothing but your faith but faith is enough to get us through the rough times, more than enough. It was for me and still is. When it seems bleak and you are worn out by worries and think it's impossible He comes through, you just have to listen closely for the signs and clues on which way to proceed.

There are many things that can be very healing and don't cost money or expend much energy to get you ahead. I don't know if you are in a small town or big city and I'm not sure of your health level or energy level but if you have to find a job there are jobs out there for those with disabilities that are not too energy intensive and could get you back into the land of the living and would make you feel more independent at the same time. Like I said I don't know what your physical condition is but I do know that when all seems impossible if you put your faith first something always comes along.

What about doing a little volunteering first? Helping others takes our minds off our own issues and even if we are consumed by our own issues it really does help plus then we connect with others too and that might lead to help. Or if you have something you like to do, like a hobby, why not turn it into a small business? You would be surprised what talents you have that could help you through this difficult time.

Try to look at the legal aid rejection as a bump in the road, a scarey one for sure, but I have been there - still am actually with my ex threatening to pull my support money when I reach 65 which is only a few short years away. I put my faith in God and keep my eyes opened for clues from Him as to which way to go and He never fails me. But you have to listen and that means silencing your mind - which isn't easy for survivors. Have you looked into meditating? It's simple to do, I can teach you online here in one email or message, and that helps to restore energy and clear your head so you can thing more clearly.

You said that you can get to a beach easily PERFECT. Water is calming by it's very nature and is a great place to be alone with yourself to contemplate your future and you do have a future believe me.

If you want to talk about meditation or anything else please feel free to message me. I am around a bit more now.

You can do it Pattyanny, you really can. I know how all of this just gets so tiring and so frustrating and sometimes seems pointless but it's not, there is a greater plan and you are an important part of that plan. One foot in front of the other.

All the best.



pattyanny's picture
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2009

I appreciate your informative post, and have already decided this week to serve in a soup kitchen tomorrow afternoon. Physically I am weak, and will nap b4 going,but I know it will get the focus off myself, and actually do someone else some good. I have been praying, and I know He is working things out for me. I must learn patience. He has never let me down. I used to do yoga, which was excellent for me. Meditation may be a good idea. I have learned through treatment to "remove myself from the present." Does that make sense? Sometimes I can even "see" color, or images. I hope this doesn't sound unbalance! Lol! I don't tell many people that. During yoga, it was very cleansing, and released many emotions. I felt great afterwards.
I guess I am overwhelmed. I am not "this person" and hate being this way. I have no time to myself, but daughter will be going to the ex for fathers day, and I plan on keeping the visits between them going all summer. I need a break, and am sure she does too.
The weather here in New York will be just beautiful this week, so I will take at least one beach day. Last year I used to walk 3 miles a week on the beach. I know, as everyone has posted, it will clear the negativity (and cobwebs) from my mind.
I am in no condition to work, unfortunately. My weight, physical strength, and many other side-effects prevent this, as I try to cope with everyday life.
Meditation sounds promising, and I would be interested, I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow also. Things are looking up, because I BELIEVE.
I appreciate you kind encouraging, and support. I know you are not around as much as you used to be. I pray all is well with you, and God bless you Bluerose!
Love & Prayers, Patty

Posts: 1914
Joined: May 2012

Believe it or not the fire wall exists for alot of us. I am so sorry things look so darn miserable right now. You are amazing for reaching out to others that need a hand up too ! Noticed in your post to Blue Rose, about this not being who you are...oh girl, I can't count the number of times I have recently said the very same thing. Please enjoy life..kids will grow up, and eventually realize Mom is just a human being...not super woman. And as for ex's...lol...won't even go there. Know it's ok to be you ! And please remember you are never ever alone. You can also message me anytime, even if just to vent. Warmest regards and yes go to the beach ! Katie

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